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Elf Complaints

By Peter Fredson

December 19, 2006

We speak of the slave-type labor performed for Neocon corporations in Latin America or China, but has anyone thought of the slave-type labor performed by Santa’s Elves?

This is the time of year when we should ask such questions for humanitarian reasons. Evidently they work 18 hours a day, all year. Do they get any vacations? Paid? Sick Leave? Pensions? Health Care? Do they have any ombudsman, lawyers? Where can they go to adjust grievances?

Those poor elves must have many complaints but no one ever talks about them.

What would an elf complain about?

For instance:

Must we listen to Christmas Carols all year long?

We’re tired of making Barbie Dolls, can’t we make some Paris Hilton action dolls?

Besides the Head Elf, we never get any promotions.

Listening to those damned chimes makes our ears hurt.

We hear Santa is going to outsource our jobs to Mexicans.

Santa never lets us have any eggnog.

Those damned reindeer keep pissing on our floor.

Who gets all the cookies and milk? Not us!

Did anyone hear any other complaints?

Originally posted to peter fredson on Tue Dec 19, 2006 at 06:17 AM PST.

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Comment Preferences

  •  How come we never get Christmas off? n/t (6+ / 0-)

    -3.63, -4.46 "Choose something like a star to stay your mind on- and be staid"

    by goldberry on Tue Dec 19, 2006 at 06:20:01 AM PST

  •  Yet another good reason (4+ / 0-)

    for Fair Trade.  If Santa wants to give our kids presents, he's going to have to engage in humanitarian labor practics and protect the delicate eco-system at the North Pole.

    What we need is:  Christmas with a Human Face!

    "We need to ask America to adopt a new kind of patriotism, a patriotism about something more than just war." -- John Edwards

    by philgoblue on Tue Dec 19, 2006 at 06:20:20 AM PST

  •  To be serious here ... (7+ / 0-)

    your Christmas toys are indeed being made by slave labor. In China.

    Happy holidays.

    - What happens on DailyKos, stays on Google. - 11/7 changed everything.

    by Jon Meltzer on Tue Dec 19, 2006 at 06:33:23 AM PST

  •  ELF LABOR UPDATE (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Sui Juris, Eternal Hope, PBen, PhantomFly

    A friend just e-mailed me this list
    FROM THE WORLD WIDE WEB
     
        List of December 12, 1996   __________________________________________________

     "Greetings, Net Wanderer, behold our humble list for December
      12, 1996."
     
    Top 118 Elf Gripes    
     
    1  The fat guy farts when he's angry. - icky poo!

     2  Those @*%# polar spiders. - pinky

       3  If I have to make one more friggin Tickle Me Elmo doll. - Aimer
       
      4  having to listen to Kathy Lee's Christmas album over and over and over - Shortstuff

      5  Pointed Hat Hair - Knarley Charley
     
      6  Lack of career choices - Name
       
      7  All the damned bells... the bells! THE BELLS! - (And the voices in my head are telling me to kill you...)

      8  Losing our jobs to Chinese prison labor - marduk

      9  Always have to work Christmas - Elf Local 456

    10  I always get carded. - sigh

    11  Santa wants us to make Tickle Me Elmo dolls that do the Macarena - Ol' geezer been drinking too much eggnog

    12  Reindeer have better health insurance. - deductable

    14  Have to carry Mrs. Claus to bed after she's gotten into the egg nog. - And she's no feather either!

    15  Kathie Lee stops by but conditions don't change. - Sweatin' to the Oldies Shop

    16  That Perot guy giving us a bad rep - ECLU

    17 Keep on getting told "Live Long and Prosper" because old clichés never die.

    1. Rudolph is getting conceited now that he has his own show.

    20  dangerous work conditions (with the fire and all) - PUT IT OUT GOD DAMMIT

    21  Making less than the children in Kathie Lee's sweat shop.. - Captain Ryan

    22  Reindeer stable duty - DK

    25  Do you know how hard it is to connect to a server up here?

    27  The Tickle Me Elmo Dolls are getting an attitude... -  Odin

    28  Santa keeps sitting on us... - Odin

    29  Santa still doesn't pay benefits - dave

    30  Having to watch Santa's little smirk when you ask him 0to get something off a high shelf for you. - DK

    31  Orcs - GJD

    32  Babes don't go for short guys with pointy ears - Demonspawn    

    33  Being laughed at by Leprechauns! - Legend

    34  Never getting any mail addressed to us. - space

    35  That @#$^@#$% hobbit and those @%^@#$% dwarves in our

    36  Lorena Bobbitt wind-up dolls are too life-like - I got cut

    37  I got your Merry Friggin Christmas right here! - Grumpy Elf

    38  Budget Cuts - Odin

    40  Life size Barbie is not anatomically correct - TISFURI

    41  People who think that the perfect gift for elves is a copy of "Little Women." - Bart

    42  mrs.clause leaving bathrobe open. - tampa don

    43  Who said frilly green is good camouflage? - Commander Despondent

    44  the bells on the shoes make it damn hard to play hide and seek. - olly-olly-ox-and-free

    46  We have to make the list and check it twice because Santa is drunk all year long. - M. Y. Opic

    47  exactly the wrong height when santa lets loose with an eggnog fart - dogvomit  

    48  damn hollow tree is drafty - keebler

    49  Funny nicknames like "Big Guy" and "Lurch" funny for only one day - Kassper

    50  One word: NAFTA - dave

    52  The !@##%* sleigh is in the shop 364 days a year, no joke

    53  Always have to order off the children's menu - Billy Barty

    55  Fantasy writers who portray us as effete tree-hugging environmentalists

    56  These tights are very constricting - how would you like it???

    57  Santa's a freaking psycho. - Disgruntled reindeer

    60  Santa coming by to "tuck us in" every night - class action

    61  Having to read Madonna's wish list! - The Reindeer like her

    62  Santa has us make all these kinky toys for him and Mrs Claus - yecch

    63  christmas all year round can make an elf crazy - fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la fa la la la

    64  Trying to get size 30x18 slacks at Macy's.... - Ho HoHo

    65  Can't see above the sleigh windshield....... - Swiss Miss 2000

    66  WE'RE FAKE - Odin

    67  Santa's workshop is really Santa's SWEATSHOP, and the fat robber baron has a monopoly, for Christs Sake!!! - Politically Correct
    Racist

    68  Forgetting airholes in certain packages. "I SAID I was suffocating!ö

    69  These stupid elf jokes.  But we'll see who has the last laugh when you open up nothing but socks and underwear Christmas Day! - DK

    71  Van Halen tour didn't come to North Pole - CTI (Family

    72  J.R.R. Tolkien stereotype. - If I had a bow, I'd shoot ya.

    74  The only view they get of Santa includes his nose hairs - PEC

    75  Could be worse-- could bew working for clinton - Problem Child

    76  santa never lets us go to the annual dance with fairies - just gotta dance

    77  Santa, Smanta, we do all the work, he gets all the credit

    78  Getting high, from all the noxious paint and plastic fumes

    79  Stinky dental and medical plan. - bloody cheapskate santa

    80  The shortness really puts a stop to our love life!! -Granade

    81  Always having run-ins with those crack head dwarfs - Snow White

    83  cleaning up after the reindeer - yuck

    84  Have to share the "doggie door" with a St. Bernard - www.topfive.com

    85  Polar icecaps melting due to global warming. - Stop the greenhouse effect. Use nuclear power.

    86  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    87  Only 1 female (Mrs. Claus) and Santa is only gone 1 day a year. - Last of the line

    88  Santa keeps drinking all the tequila - Walter Helozis

    89  They want to be known as verticly chalanged, not Elfs- kruste

    90  All the friggin figgy pudding - Hey!   Who took all the eggnog?

    91  Enough of this snow and cold, sandy beaches and rum punch

    92  no  vcr to watch elf porn! - Knarley Charley

    93  These pointy little shoes hurt my tiny little feet! -Next time I'm gettin' a Stetson Hat & Nocona Boots

    94  Japan gets all the credit for the cool toys and electronics we make - made in North Pole?

    95  I do everything around here, why does he get to deliver?

    96  Being the punt receiver. - Oooooff!

    97  Our names never really go on the toys we manufacture. Ever noticed that? - DK  

    98  Green is starting to get PRETTY BORING!!! Maybe we could try something new, like tie-dye??? - "MAD" Matt...6' tall, psychedelic elf.

    99  Those silly pointy shoes with the bells - Crash

    100  I just don't feel jolly anymore. - pessimist

    101  Having to wear these stupid jumpsuits while Colonel Pa
     
    102  Why do I have to go to Luke Fila's house - Someone in the Czech Republic

    104  Santa is always calling for prostitutes HO_HO_HO!! - kermitose

    106  always being mistaken for short vucans - we are not spies.

    107  Riding in crowded elevators! - Yeah, lady, that was my nose you backed into . . .

    108  being mistaken for an action figure – I’m not a present!

    109  Watching Santa Clause Change his clothes makes me lose my Appetite - Kurt

    110  Terrible TV and radio reception at North Pole - CTI

    111  "Little people" is not politically correct in our case

    112  We always get shock freezed until next Christmas - saves Santa lots of money

    114  Elves, Elves, Elves........ - Great big fellow wasn’t

    115  Being only 3' tall obviously!!!! - Legend
     
    118  Don't get Howard Stern @ North Pole - vag

  •  Wait a minute! (0+ / 0-)

    I thought the elves had unionized, which is why I now have to pay Santa for my kids' toys. You mean the old guy has been lying to me all these years?

    "Truth never damages a cause that is just."~~~Mohandas K. Gandhi

    by LynneK on Tue Dec 19, 2006 at 06:45:36 AM PST

  •  Mabey Dennis Kucinich (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Pandoras Box

    Just when they think they know the answer, I change the question. -Roddy Piper

    by McGirk on Tue Dec 19, 2006 at 06:59:52 AM PST

  •  Santa Claus is a pedophile, (0+ / 0-)

    is the problem. Generally, he is a thoroughly corrupt individual, who has tentacles deep in the political and business establishment.

    Go ahead, troll-rate me.

    •  YOU my friend, should write childrens' books. (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      peter fredson

      I bet you're one hell of a lot of fun to be around on Christmas.

      • "What's in the box, Daddy?"
      • "Go on, boy, open it.  You're going to love it."
      • "But--but Daddy, there's nothing in this box."
      • "Sure there is, boy.  It's called a lesson in disappointment.  And some day you'll thank me for it.  Now quit your God damn crying and go get me another beer.  Go on, now -- GET!"
      •  Actually, (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        peter fredson

        besides the abusive and discriminatory labor practices at his compound, and his predation on innocent children, Santa is personally well-known for his foul mouth, his evil temper, and his drug abuse--particularly methamphetamines.

        Why, oh, why, is this man consistently portrayed in popular culture as a "kindly soul" and "the spirit of Christmas" and shit like this? It's all corporate propaganda.

  •  Because a Paris Hilton action figure (0+ / 0-)

    would be pornographic.

    Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? - Ian Frazier, Lamentations of the Father

    by Frankenoid on Tue Dec 19, 2006 at 07:36:56 AM PST

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