I feel so vulnerable… so naked… knowing that Americans are stupidly leaving our Northern flank wide open for attack from ferry boats full of bloodthirsty Canadians. Where is the post-9/11 vigilance, fellow citizens? Have you ever seen these people at a hockey game?
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Coast Guard said Monday it was withdrawing plans to periodically close 2,500 square miles of the Great Lakes for live machine-gun firing exercises.
This is just the opening the frostbacks have been looking for, my fellow Americans! Now that we’re requiring passports to travel over the border between the U.S. and Canada, how will unsavory Canadians sneak into our fair (and comparatively warm) nation but for these unprotected waters? Sure, we finally have a Berlin Wall planned for our southern flank with Mexico, but what about some kind of protection from the frigid masses of maple syrup-addled Degrassi High buffs from the north? Why, without plenty of live fire machine gun intimidation on the Great Lakes, there’s nothing to stop them from heading our way! Flip...
The plan had been criticized by several U.S. and Canadian mayors, business leaders and environmentalists who said it could be unsafe and disruptive. Environmentalists also said they worried about the consequences of lead ammunition being deposited in the Great Lakes.
Oh sure, leave it to the fish huggers and water worshipers to bar our noble Coast Guard boys from spraying a few thousand rounds of red hot American metal northward (and southward, eastward and westward) as a warning to those armies of round bacon eaters who would burrow deep into our communities, attacking our patriotic values with their frostbitten ideology of gun control, universal healthcare and decriminalized heroin. If we don’t fight back these Canadian tourists over there, we’ll have to fight them over here.
Coast Guard officials said the training exercises were vital to its homeland security and law enforcement missions. The plan called for crews to shoot at floating targets with M240-B automatic rifles aboard cutters, rescue boats and other vessels.
Each of the 34 "safety zones" on lakes Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie and Ontario would have been closed to private vessels for four-hour spans about four to eight times a year. Exercises would have taken place in each zone two or three times a year.
If the Coast Guard is going to abdicate its solemn responsibility to save us from these puck watchers, some of whom speak French, it is imperative that we set up some kind of citizen’s brigade. Luckily, according to the Michigan Coalition for Responsible Gun Owners, it’s perfectly legal for Michigan citizens to own machine guns!
…a Michigan resident can possess a machine gun as long as it is lawfully possessed under federal law. Generally, this means the machine gun was properly registered before May 19, 1986 and was lawfully possessed on that date or lawfully transferred after that date.
So, it’s up to you, fair citizens of the Mitten State! Protect us from these half-men-half-moose hordes before our children are pronouncing “about” like Peter Jennings.
Mayors from 80 U.S. and Canadian cities from around the Great Lakes had urged the Coast Guard to halt plans for the exercises, saying it would run counter to long-standing peaceful relations.
Raising safety concerns, some of the zones overlapped established vessel routes, including those of Michigan-to-Wisconsin car ferries and the Beaver Island ferries originating from Charlevoix on Lake Michigan.
Peaceful, my ass! Remember 1812 anybody? These car ferries are the perfect way for Molson-maddened Canadians to sneak into America…silent and swift and serving hot chocolate in their cafeterias, I bet. Be on guard good people of Michigan and Wisconsin. They must be stopped!
[UPDATE: HERE THEY COME! (Hat tip, Canadian Reader) How could we have been so blind? Get ready my Michigan machine gunning compatriots. Aim for their curling stones!]