Every year my creative husband makes his own holiday card. He used to hand print them from linoleum blocks but now that his mailing list is so large he draws the design with colored pencil, scans it into the computer then prints it out on card stock. This year his design is a beautiful snowflake. He's written the following message and sent it afterwards to various friends and family who understand the concept of irony:
Dear loved/liked one,
I am saddened to hear about the "war on Christmas" that is said to be happening all across our great nation, as noted by trustworthy commentators like Bill O'Reilly on Fox TV. I'm having difficulty sorting out how or whether I need to modify the "holiday" cards I send out each year. To this end, I've decided to conduct a marketing-type survey of my card recipients. Please circle all that apply.
- Do you celebrate Christmas?
- If not, do you celebrate Yule/solstice, Hogmanay, Kwanzaa, Diwali, Eid, Hannukah, Boxing Day, Festivus ("for the rest of us"), or the Year End Clearance Sales?
- If you do celebrate Christmas, do you celebrate it with gladness and goodwill to all, with relatives, with a credit card in each fist, with Jack Daniels and/or with others as desperately lonely as yourself, or with your sponsor and others who shall remain anonymous? Or, do you fly to Australia and go snorkeling?
- When you receive my holiday card, do you thank God/whomever above/wherever for good friends and not-too-far-beyond-the-pale relatives, bless the universal spirit of loving-kindness that pervades all, toss the card in the trash/recycling, hang the card from the venetian blinds, or wonder why I have not sent you any money?
- If the words "Merry Christmas" do not appear in my holiday card, do you curse the secular/liberal establishment and the forces of Satan, bless my wayward Unitarian soul and pray for my salvation, nod in appreciation of my gesture of multicultural inclusiveness, sneer at my political correctness, or wonder why I have not sent you any money?
- If the words "Merry Christmas" do appear in my holiday card, do you curse the American cultural imperialism that presumes to impose religious viewpoints and commercialism on the entire world, wonder if I have become a born-again Christian, recall fondly the year you helped Aunt Flo decorate the silver-tip fir tree with popcorn and cranberries and that funny little papier-mache angel with the broken left wing, nod in appreciation of a once-simple traditional salutation, sigh with exhaustion over the whole dang season and all our silly manufactured cultural squabbles, or wonder why I have not sent you any money?
- If coupons for discounts at Nordstrom, Macy's, Target, K-mart, Starbucks, or Frank's Auto Repair were printed on the front/back of my holiday card, would you use them?
All responses will be strictly confidential unless they contain something hilariously funny or potentially embarassing. Survey results will be tabulated and all future greeting cards will be modified accordingly to conform to audience expectations. Or not.
--With seasonal fondness from your [brother / cousin / co-worker / friend / neighbor / customer / mechanic / paperboy / chiropractor / ex]