From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Late Night Snark...sprinkled with Bac-Os:
"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news is they have to drop it from a camel."
---David Letterman
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"According to Washington insiders, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan could be the next official to leave the Bush administration. McClellan says he'd like to spend more time lying for his family."
---Amy Poehler
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"A UCLA study shows 7% of people still believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe these are the same people who believe President Bush is doing a good job in Iraq."
---Jay Leno
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"The National Enquirer has reported that Tom cruise and Katie Holmes were married eight months ago by a chaplain in the Church of Scientology. The groom wore a casual linen suit while the bride wore an expression of slowly-awakening terror."
---David Spade on The Showbiz Show
Same thing happens to me every morning when I wake up and realize who's running the country. Bong, don't fail me now. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Note: Due to construction, all blog traffic will be down to one lane today. We regret the inconvenience.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til mayoral primary election in New Orleans: 4
Days `til Memorial Day: 41
Total amount of money spent so far by Catholic dioceses in the U.S. to settle sex-abuse lawsuits: $1.5 Billion
Number of priests over which sexual abuse claims have been settled: 5,000
(Source: Washington Post via The Week magazine)
Amount of snow Portland got last winter: 102"
Amount we got this winter: 47"
(Source: Portland Press Herald)
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: There are times in life when you just don't want an audience. This is one of those times.
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CHEERS to influencing elections. Why, just last week we were pleading with the Pulitzer committee to give political cartoonist god Mike Luckovich another nod for his outstanding work in '05. Bingo: Mike won his second "Prize" yesterday. The news arrived in the same envelope as the committee's annual C&J restraining order renewal. I'm touched.
P.S. Our favorite Pulitzer winners this year: The Times-Picayune of New Orleans (Best Public Service and Best Breaking News Reporting) and the Sun Herald of Gulfport, Mississippi (Tied for Best Public Service) for their Katrina coverage. No one in our book more deserving.
JEERS to big (non) surprises. Speaking of Katrina, you'll never guess how the Department of Heckuva Job is doing:
As the Federal Emergency Management Agency wraps up the initial phase of its temporary housing program---ending reliance on cruise ships and hotels for people sent fleeing by the Aug. 29 storm---the toll of false starts and missed opportunities appears likely to top $1 billion and perhaps much more, according to a series of after-action studies and Department of Homeland Security reports
Meanwhile, new White House chief of staff Josh Bolten says if any administration officials are thinking of leaving, "now is the time to come to such a decision." [coughcoughChertoffcough]
CHEERS to the kind of PR money can't buy. Dozens of gay and lesbian parents---including Kossack Terrance DC---brought their kids to the White House yesterday for the annual Easter egg roll. The media...they sorta took an interest. But it was the kids who had the devious agenda:
[Jennifer] Chrisler said [she and her partner] talked to their sons about how other kids with two mothers or two fathers would also attend and how it was a touchy subject for some people. But twins Timmy and Tommy had other priorities.
"They are insisting on seeing the Easter Bunny because they are convinced he can communicate with Santa Claus, and they want to get a good word in now."
Everyone's a lobbyist.
CHEERS or JEERS the moment of truth. I have in my hand an envelope containing my fearless, 6-month-old prediction---based solely on gut instinct---of the winners in yesterday's Boston Marathon. [Rrrrip...] "The winner will be: The Kenyans." Actual winners: The Kenyans!!! And we also predict the winner of this weekend's NASCAR event will be: That White Guy with sideburns! What can I say...it's a gift.
CHEERS to Mercury Man! Maine's Governor, John Baldacci, has signed a first-in-the-nation bill to cut down on mercury emissions in a novel way:
"With the two bills signed [Friday], Maine has effectively eliminated all household products that contain mercury from store shelves and the wastestream," said NRCM executive director Brownie [no relation to Heckuvajob Brownie] Carson. "Maine's `can-do' common sense approach is leading the nation in reducing the toxic mercury in our environment."
Figures...two days after we perfected the recipe for mesquite-flavored Mercureetohs. Maine: Land of crushed dreams.
JEERS to our dying national parks. How much does the Bush administration hate America? They're financially strangling our national park system by forcing 20 percent cuts in already strained park budgets. Bad news: fewer services and more trash. Good news: Smokey the Bear is giving BJs for half price.
CHEERS to pressing the flesh with one of the good guys. Maine Rep. Tom Allen will be in Portland's City Hall tonight at 7 for a town hall forum hosted by the Maine Civil Liberties Union. On the agenda: "We'll debunk the myths the administration uses to defend its illegal spying." A word about the snack table: don't eat the jelly doughnut with sprinkles on it---I hear that'll be the one with the NSA microphone in it.
JEERS to supporting the arts. (via Metacomments and Atrios) Michelle Malkin is praising her reader for coming up with artistic offensive redesigns of the Comedy Central logo. The fourth image down---of a plane flying into an office building---is particularly classy. Can't imagine how the Pulitzer committee keeps overlooking these masters of pen and ink.
CHEERS to Saddle Sores for Freedom. On this date in 1775, Paul Revere, William Dawes and Samuel Prescott hopped on their Segways and scootered from Boston to Concord, Mass., warning the citizens of the approaching British army (Prescott was the only one with enough juice to make it all the way). Their focus group-tested talking point: "The British Are Coming!" Tomorrow: The thrilling conclusion...
JEERS to bamboo. Ugh...the cockroach of the botany world has begun its annual infestation in our back yard. We're armed with our traditional defoliant: Molly's pee. Cue the 1812 Overture and let the battle begin.
JEERS to the other asshole of evil. Hey kids, let's see what North Korea is up to! Probably not much...just the usual morning calisthenics:
North Korea's No. 2 leader vowed Friday to strengthen the country's "military deterrent force" in response to an American policy it considers hostile, the nation's official news agency said. North Korea usually refers to its purported nuclear weapons as "deterrent force."
Careful, Kim jong Il...you start challenging the Bush administration on the battlefield of doublespeak, you'll get your asses handed to you on a sushi platter.
CHEERS to La Bella Luna! Today's standout DVD release is the deluxe edition of Norman Jewison's Moonstruck. Writer John Patrick Shanley has yet to top his dialogue in this '87 gem:
Cosmo Castorini: "There are three kinds of pipe. There's aluminum, which is garbage. There's bronze, which is pretty good, unless something goes wrong. And something always goes wrong. Then...there's copper. Which is the only pipe I use. It costs money. It costs money because it saves money."
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Cosmo: "Birds fly to the stars---I guess..."
Mona: "You have such a head for knowing!"
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Rose: "I just want you to know no matter what you do, you're gonna die, just like everybody else."
Cosmo: "Thank you, Rose."
That's amore.
CHEERS to Democratic Party wet dreams. CAUTION: Clicking on the following link may cause heart palpitations and a sudden rush of happy hormones. You've been warned. Oops... "Cleanup in Cubicle Seven!"
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One Year Ago in C&J: April 18, 2005:
CHEERS to activating the cone of silence. Today 114 cardinals with brass knuckles gather in an undisclosed Motel 6 to convince each other he's got the righteous stuff to be pope (we love waffles so we're voting for the Belgian). Oh, guys...before you bolt the doors, just a little nugget about your lead contender, the German: um, he was a little Nazi. Okay, now go enjoy your slumber party. Lights out by 10. [4/18/06 Update: Sigh...they never listen to me.]
JEERS to going off the deep end. [Warning: Nausea-inducing link ahead] Last week she was named one of "the world's 100 most influential people." Now bigoted, factually-challenged, constitution-shredding Ann Coulter gets the star treatment on the cover of TIME magazine. They would've featured a liberal pundit, but I guess they concluded that people who tell the truth are just too boring.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the fearsome Wanker Hunter. Happy fourth (!) anniversary to Atrios's Koufax Award-winning Eschaton blog. Nobody reduces the essence of an issue to one line of wit or outrage like he can, and we salute his longevity (as Kos said last year, that's "like 2000 years old in blog years"). Don't forget to stop by and say "Heh."
P.S. Those of you just starting out with blogs of your own, take heart: they all begin with nary a peep.
Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless testimonial:
"Right now, the way to get to these trapped survivors is to pull the rubble out one rock at a time. So our dream is to have Bill in Portland Maine thread through this collapsed rubble and get to victims more quickly."
---Prof. Howie Choset
Carnegie Mellon University
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