From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
CHEERS to fighting the good fight. C&J gives huge props to Armando, Georgia10 and countless other bloggers...along with the leaders in our party who actually listened to the grassroots...for putting up such a spirited defense against the confirmation of Samuel Alito. Our party still has much to learn about discipline, framing and preparedness. But let's keep our chins up and our minds on the bright side: Americans now prefer Democratic leadership over Republicans 51 percent to 37 percent. It's party time, ladies and gentlemen. Let's GIVE IT UP FOR...
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE JOHN... PAUL... STEVENS!!!!
[Wild...I mean frickin' WILD applause. A million Bic lighters suddenly come to life as the most massive fireworks display you've ever seen explodes overhead! Molly Ivins, E.J. Dionne and Paul Krugman throw candy to the crowd.]
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE DAVID... SOUTER!!!!
[Women wriggle their panties off and throw them on-stage. WILD applause as the Blue Angels roar overhead and a thousand children holding flashlights form a human `scales of justice.']
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE RUTH... BADER... GINSBURG!!!!
[Okay, this is getting insane. A team of Chippendales dancers hoists Ginsburg on a solid gold throne as a million voices sing in unison: We will, we will ROCK YOU!! Kenny G descends from the rafters to play a solo, but is carried off by security, thank god.]
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE STEPHEN... BREYER!!!!
[Shit! No...way! The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, Coldplay, Green Day, Busta Rhymes, the Dixie Chicks and Kanye West team up for an insane performance of Street Fighting Man while a MASSIVE American flag unfurls. The roar of the crowd is heard in 6 states.]
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE ANTHONY... KENNEDY!!!!
Clap...C'clap. Clap. C'clap. Clap.
[Good lord. Sparklers. Speedo. Oh no...we told him three times: no clogging!]
Well, it was fun while it lasted. Here's your Chaser Plus. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Note: All we ever hear about in this country is the "War on terror" and the "War on Drugs" and the "War in Iraq" and the "War on Poverty." You never hear anything about the "War on Calligraphy." I think it's because we're losing that one.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til February: 1
Days `til the Winter Olympic Games begin in Turin, Italy: 10
Cross country skier Kris Freeman's score on the C&J judges' Hottie-Meter: 9½
Number of trips taken by Senators and Congressmen and paid for by special interest groups in the last 5 years: 6,000
(Source: The New York Times via The Week magazine)
Hottest day in Portland, Maine in 2005: 94 degrees (June 25)
Temperature in Portland at the moment: 28
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "Which way did he go? Which way did he go??"
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CHEERS to pulling through. As you know by now, ABC News co-anchor Bob Woodruff and his Emmy-winning cameraman, Doug Vogt, sustained serious injuries in Iraq. Surgeons say their body armor probably saved their lives. Cool---maybe we should send some to the troops, huh.
JEERS and lots of rotten tomatoes to the dumbest guys in the (court)room. The Enron trial started yesterday with jury selection. If you haven't rented "Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room," do so forthwith. The Houston Chronicle has great coverage here. C&J hopes George W. Bush's pals Lay (7 counts of conspiracy and fraud) and Skilling (35---thirty five!---counts of conspiracy, fraud, lying to auditors and insider trading) twist...twist...slowly twist. Our choice to dole out the punishment: Grandma Millie.
JEERS to cutting and running. Last week Bush held a news conference and snubbed 80-something year-old journalist Helen Thomas again. Just `cause she's prettier than his mom, I bet.
WHATEVER to Bamboozlepalooza `06. The Disarray of the Union speech is tonight. A time for the President of the United States to list all of his accomplishments from the past year. Blink and you'll miss it.
P.S. Don't forget tonight's C&J drinking game. We've changed the terms this year:
"Vital" = Shot
"Progress" = Beer
"September thuh uhleventh" = Shot and a beer
"We must..." = Swallow tequila worm
CHEERS to a day at the beach. Literally. Saturday afternoon we went to the beach in a sweater because it was 60 degrees outside---30 above normal. Today we walked to work in freezing rain and I can't feel my toes. I liked Saturday better.
CHEERS to pissing off the fundies. A gay rights law finally passed in Washington State. Special kudos to Senator Bill Finkbeiner, the only Republican to vote for the measure. Permission granted to remove the first half of your last name.
P.S. Washington sounds like it might be a good place for Clay "Yep, He's Gay!" Aiken to settle down with Mr. Right. Welcome to the team, ya scruffy mutt..
JEERS to the company we keep. We loves our Saudi oil. It's so black and shiny...ya just wanna rub it all over yer skin. From Parade magazine's annual list of the World's 10 Worst Dictators:
King Abdullah, Saudi Arabia. Age 82. In power since 1995.
Although Abdullah did not become king until 2005, he has ruled Saudi Arabia since his half-brother, Fahd, suffered a stroke 10 years earlier. In Saudi Arabia, phone calls are recorded and mobile phones with cameras are banned. It is illegal for public employees "to engage in dialogue with local and foreign media." By law, all Saudi citizens must be Muslims. According to Amnesty International, police in Saudi Arabia routinely use torture to extract "confessions." Saudi women may not appear in public with a man who isn't a relative, must cover their bodies and faces in public and may not drive. The strict suppression of women is not voluntary, and Saudi women who would like to live a freer life are not allowed to do so.
"Abby, yer doin' a heckuva job."
CHEERS to safety nets. 66 years ago today, the first Social Security check was issued to Ida Fuller for $22.54. And under the Bush's now-dead privatization plan, folks who retired during a bear market might've received that same amount month after month after month. And wouldn't that just be wacky nostalgic??
JEERS to early departures. I didn't know much about Wendy Wasserstein, the playwright who died yesterday at the age of 55. But Gail Collins's tribute in today's New York Times makes me wish I did:
Wasserstein and I had a running e-mail joke in which we took turns taking responsibility for everything bad that happened. "I'll bring the Iraqi constitution and we can work on it in the bar," she wrote last year before a theater date. I congratulated her for getting Michael Brown the FEMA job. We both claimed to be in charge of the Middle East peace process.
We were making fun of Wendy's reputation for good-heartedness. Her outrageously premature death yesterday deprived the nation of a beloved playwright, but it also stripped the city of one of its best people. ...
Wendy was a charter member of the company of nice women, a river of accommodating humanity that flows through Manhattan just as it flows through Des Moines and Oneonta, N.Y., organizing library fund-raisers, running day care centers, ordering prescriptions for elderly parents, buying all the birthday presents and giving career counseling to the nephew of a very remote acquaintance who is trying to decide between making it big on Broadway and dentistry.
"Frankly, I never want to leave a room and be thought of as a horrible person," she admitted. But Wendy never explained what the rest of us were supposed to do when she left the room before us.
Meanwhile, a lot of horrible continue to walk the earth. Tain't right.
JEERS to Dogcatcher Dubya. Not only hasn't the "war president" captured Osama bin Laden, he also hasn't nabbed his lieutenant, al Zawahiri. We know this because the still-very-much-alive second-in-command released a videotape in which he taunts the president:
"You are bad luck to your people; you brought them disasters and catastrophes, and you will bring them even more disasters."
Ah. I see you've read about his Health Savings Account plan, too.
CHEERS to Hollywood's worst. The Golden Raspberry nominations are out, and the Worst Picture nominees are: Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo, Dirty Love, Dukes of Hazzard, House of Wax and Son of the Mask. Watch `em while smokin' a big fat doobie and it's amazing how quickly they become Oscar material.
JEERS to the new corporate media talking point. All throughout the weekend, this was the line spun by the talking blockheads about the Bush illegal wiretapping scandal: "It's a winner for Bush!" Let's roll the highlight reel...
"It's a winner." "It's a winner." "Oh definitely, this is a big winner for Bush." "The winner? Bush." "The White House comes out the winner." "Winner? White House." "I think this is the big winner Rove and Bush have been looking for." "Big Big Big Big Big Big Big Big winner."
Everybody got that? Me neither.
CHEERS to the great uniter. On this date in 1928, ScotchTM tape was marketed for the first time by 3-M. It holds things together like a charm. But to shut up an annoying Republican only duct tape will do.
CHEERS to today's DVD slate. Tim Burton's Corpse Bride looks interesting. But we're seeing blue today because Season One of Hill Street Blues is finally here. The best life lesson we ever learned was from Sgt. Phil Esterhaus: "Let's be careful out there."
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One Year Ago in C&J: January 31, 2005
CHEERS to January 31. It sure took long enough to get here. Between Bush's inauguration, the tsunami cleanup, 97 U.S. casualties in Iraq, a blizzard, Johnny's death, news of a record deficit and absent-mindedly writing 2004 on our checks, it's a wonder we're not all sucking our toes in a rubber room. At least someone had the good sense to follow it with the shortest month. Whoopdee Doodle Doo. (Hey, wait a minute...this isn't my toe...!)
JEERS to Panda-monium. A new report from the World Wildlife Fund says that extreme climate change is due within the next 25 years, meaning extinction for the birds and beasts at the Arctic Circle. But New England streets will look lovely lined with palm trees.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to commercials we'd like to see. Not coming soon to Meet the Press or any of the other Sunday morning shows: Bush/Cheney---"Touching Your Life":
We don't make the hurricanes.
We create the global warming that makes the hurricanes stronger.
We don't wage jihad.
We implement the policies that make jihad more popular.
We didn't invent the federal deficit. We dole out the corporate welfare that makes the deficit soar.
We don't make a lot of the problems you have.
We make a lot of the problems you have...bigger.
Bush/Cheney: Touching Your Life.
(No refunds. All sales final.)
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless testimonial:
"We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Bill in Portland's crème brulee."
---Ann Coulter
1/26/06
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