While of course I am privy to no special information (Heck, I don't even want to spare money to receive quality television news in my home), I have nevertheless had a terrible fear. The fear is the shadow of a great shining light I have for the first time recognized:
The wealthy are the wealth of this great nation.
We rely on them to guide us, make (good) taste, and to knit the bootstraps with which we may lift ourselves up.
It seems like only a matter of time before terrorists realize that just a couple of chaps in a golf cart, or dainty DAR matrons eating club sandwiches in the club, are worth more than a thousand people on mass transit.
Therefore, it is up to liberal democrats to do what conservatives are too selfless and brave to contemplate. We have to protect them!
The steps that need to be introduced into congress are:
Phase Perrywinkle
Cavity searches at the entrances of country clubs, and the gates of gated communities. This is because, while of course a terrorist could never pass for a member of the American elite, nevertheless an upstanding member of our society might be forced to carry a large, rod-shaped IED into the domain of polite society in the lower intestine. (Hasn't this been on 24?)
Phase Ivory
R.E.A.L ID, part two, must be used and required for the operation of golf carts. This ID will require a full audit of the subjects finances to ensure that no member of the jet set has been manipulated at all into cutting golf cart brake lines, or other inconceivable sabotage, by means of improper tax shelters, insider trading, or gifts given to mistresses. However in the interest of openness, all findings will be made public once interviewee gag orders expire (a maximum of 60 days).
Phase Teal
The wives (and where appropriate, hanger-on husbands) of the societal pillars, must be issued gag orders and be extensively interviewed, and questioned about the sexual proclivities of the elite. We have to ensure that they don't have any susceptibilities, like gaiety among service people, that the enemy could manipulate in order to seduce these otherwise stellar paragons of decency. The danger of course is in purposeful infection of any of the weaker of these titans with STDs. Contrary to popular jest, some STDs actually can be spread via toilet seats, and the lost hours to itching, scratching, and top-of-the-line health care treatment could cost millions, even billions.
Phase Fuschia
Among the wealthy, there are certain figures who have gone above and beyond the realm of merely being crucial to our society. They have chosen to be champions of our way of life, with massive donations to conservative causes, and dedication of media holdings to strongly partisan Republican messaging. Of course this does more to fight terror than any mere grunt on the ground could ever do. Therefore, these heroes among the demigods need special protection. We cannot leave them out in the open. The countless miles of insufficiently guarded golf club borders are not up to the task. Therefore, they must be spirited away, incommunicado, with no public acknowledgement, to (shhhh....) secret locations in the Caribbean and Eastern Europe. There, we understand, they will receive the finest country club experience a certain amount of no-bid money can buy, including expert massages, an exotic health treatment (or extreme water-sport?) known as "water boarding," and trans-formative sessions of religious instruction with the holy book of their choice.
Note: All phases to be enacted simultaneously, but employed one at a time over a randomized period (no connection to current events) in order to generate the maximum feeling of security.
Stand up for your betters! Don't leave them out in the cold.