From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Eric Idle on turning 62 today (From Men's Health)
"They say aging is a funny thing. But there's nothing funny about it at all. You still feel 14, but when you turn on the bathroom light, this ugly old guy in the mirror leaps out at you. Forget all the advertising crap about the golden years; that's just bullshit to try to get you to put your money into real estate. Retirement-living homes are thinly disguised golfing camps. That's another warning sign of old age: golf. It's nature's way of telling you you should be dead.
One or two final tips. Don't read newspapers. They're not just bad for trees. Don't watch TV news. Look at those anchors in their wigs and ridiculous hairdos. Can you trust people who are lying about their appearance? Same goes for TV evangelists. If God wants money, he'll take it. That's why he's God.
Just keep pissing in your pajamas and complaining about everything. That's the great benefit of old age."
Cheers and Jeers takes its Geritol in the Extended Entry section... [Swoosh!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, March 29, 2005...
NOTE: Cheers and Jeers has not been evaluated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.
By the Numbers:
Days `til summer: 84
Percent of March that's over: 93%
Gallons of fat that are sucked out of Amercans' bodies and discarded by plastic surgeons each year: 150,000
Percent of kids who wish their dads would spend more time with them: 40%
Percent of men who played Little League baseball: 83%
(Source for the above three items: Men's Health)
Percent of Americans who support changing Senate rules to prevent Democrats from filibustering: 32%
(Source: Newsweek)
Minimum number of coconuts required to have a "lovely bunch": 3
Your Puppy Pic of the Day What dogs look like through hotel room peepholes: http://gladstone.uoregon.edu/~jaisa/puppy.jpg. Now that's the kind of room service we'd pay extra for.
CHEERS to fags like me. The Maine Senate passed gay rights legislation yesterday that would protect us in employment, housing, credit, public accommodation and education: http://www.wcsh6.com/home/article.asp?id=21251. Now it moves to the House for debate. Remember: Thumbs up = free makeovers.
JEERS to Christian cowards. Last month we wrote a letter to the Portland Press Herald in response to a column by Michael Heath of the Christian Civic League. (He believes that a statewide gay rights law will lead to certain Armageddon, and we respectfully disagreed.) In our mailbox yesterday: an anonymous packet stuffed with 60+ anti-gay ads, editorials, pamphlets and assorted Christian-themed rants. No note...no return address...no balls.
JEERS to holding our breath. We were turning blue yesterday waiting for the death toll from the 8.7-magnitude earthquake off the coast if Indonesia. Here's the latest: http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2005-03-28-indonesia-quake_x.htm. The downside: Thousands may be dead. The upside: It coulda been tens of thousands (I know...small consolation).
CHEERS to tumultuous starts. Tivo/VCR Alert! Tonight at 8 on HBO: "Left of the Dial," a documentary about the rise and fall--and rise--of Air America. They originally wanted to do a documentary about right-wing broadcasters, but they couldn't fit them and their egos in the same frame.
JEERS to God's Army. Back from vacation (don't you ever do that again!), New York Times columnist Paul Krugman---in today's must-read---warns of "the climate of fear for those who try to enforce laws that religious extremists oppose": http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/29/opinion/29krugman.html. Memo to all the religious non-extremists: Um...you mind steppin' in here and saying something?
CHEERS to breaking the cycle of crap. Wow---there's actually a couple decent DVD releases out today. The 10th Anniversary Edition of `Apollo 13' includes a new commentary track by astronaut Jim Lovell and his wife, Marilyn. And `Teletubbies: Naughty Noo Noo' is guaranteed to put Education Secretary Margaret Spellings' prim and proper granny stockings in a twist. At least we hope so.
CHEERS to lessons in black and white. Via Atrios, here's a handy comparison of Jesus vs. Tom Delay: http://www.perrspectives.com/blog/archives/000138.htm. We'd add one more to the list: One rode an ass...and one is an ass.
JEERS to the National Press Club. They've invited...well, you just have to click here and read it for yourself (we promise to have a full alcoholic beverage cart on the other side): http://americablog.blogspot.com/2005/03/national-press-club-is-msms-latest.html. Screw the rum and Coke...make mine a double scotch.
JEERS to losing it. The State Department's Office of Counterterrorism is hemorrhaging, according to U.S. News and World Report: "Among those deserting ship: longtime spokesman Joe Reap, followed by the top dog himself, Cofer Black. Now Black's deputy, William Pope, has left, leaving in charge their No. 3, Karen Aguilar. ... `It's like the Department of Motor Vehicles when I call over there ,' complains one counter-terrorism pro." Yeah, well, take a number and have a seat, pal.
CHEERS to Fine Democratic Booty. Campaignsource.com sells a bumper sticker that will have philosophy majors chattering away for decades: http://www.campaignsource.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=D542&Category_
Code=EXP. I'll put it on my car if you put it on yours. You go first.
JEERS to class acts...NOT! 59 ex-diplomats sent a letter to Senator Richard Lugar yesterday urging the rejection of John "Michael" Bolton's nomination as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations (http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory?id=620746). So how did perky `Fox and Friends' co-hostess E.D. "Benny" Hill respond? By making fun of the diplomats' names. She actually said, "What kind of a name is that??!" Perhaps someone should remind her that her own name is a medical abbreviation for an out-of-order penis. (Not that we'd eeeeever make fun of that...)
CHEERS to one helluva discount at Denny's. Happy 215th birthday to #10 John "Liv" Tyler! You could list his accomplishments on a Post-It Note and have enough room left to write your grocery list. Pay your respects here, anyway: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=1331&pt=John%20Tyler. At least he was better than Bush.
JEERS to our Swiss cheese border. Despite extra spending on homeland security, illegal immigration rose 23 percent over the past 4 years. The Pew Hispanic Center says there are 10.3 illegals here now, versus 8.4 million in 2000. If our maid, poolboy or chauffer spoke English, we'd ask `em for ID.
JEERS to meaningless records. A Scottish man broke the world's record for fastest cell phone text-messaging. In 48 seconds he tapped out: "The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pyrocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human." Interesting...that's the exact amount of time I spent giving a crap.
CHEERS to the roundtable rock stars. ISSUE NUMBER FOUR! The McLaughlin Report's John McLaughlin turns 78 today. Will a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model jump out of his birthday cake, I ask you Tony Tubarooney Staring At the Ceiling Blankley! "Well I..." WRONG!! Eleanor Clift will jump out of my cake momentarily and scold us for interrupting her. Bye Bye...!!
C&J Flashback: March 29, 2004...
CHEERS to Chapter One. If the rest of former terror tsar Richard Clarke's "Against All Enemies" is as good as pages 1-34, this is one helluva ride. Memo to Hollywood casting directors: Charles Durning is your lead.
JEERS to Ariel Sharon. Bribery scandal means Israeli prime minister may come a-tumblin' down. But if he starts stress-eating now, they may need a crane to get him out of the Knesset.
And just one more...
JEERS to the poo police. Um, guys...I think we know this already: http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/strange/diaper.htm. And if ya don't, I pity your kids.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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