SCENE: Senator Chuck Schumer's Bedroom
(phone rings)
CHUCK SCHUMER: Hello?
COMMON SENSE: Yes, Senator Schumer, please.
SCHUMER: Speaking.
COMMON SENSE: Ah, hello Senator. Common Sense, here. How are you this morning?
SCHUMER: I'm fine, thank you. Wait a sec...'Common Sense' on the phone? Who is this really? Eliot? Is that you Mike? What th---
COMMON SENSE: Just sit down and listen. Your argument about John Bolton being 'good' for Israel is totally wrong. It makes no sense. I should know. I'm Common Sense.
(other line rings)
SCHUMER: But he's defending Israel in the UN--hold on a sec I have another call (clicks call waiting to answer)--Hello...Chuck Schumer....
REPUBLICAN PROPAGANDA: Hi, Chuck. Republican Propaganda, here. Just calling to say thanks for your support.
SCHUMER: Republican Prop--did I eat a bad bialy this morning or what? Hold on a sec...I'm patching you through to a three way with me, you and Common Sense. (clicks through). This should be good....
COMMON SENSE: Bolton is not good for Israel, Chuck. He's not defending Israel in the UN. He's
provoking Israel through the UN and the media. And he's inflaming the Jewish Question in the United States to further divide the American electorate. Bolton wants a war between Israel and Lebanon. In fact, he wants a war between Israel and Syria, too. And between Israel and Iran. He wants America to fight Iraq, Lebanon, Syria, and Iran, but he knows the American public will never stand for it. So he is provoking Israel to fight the war for him and he's accusing anyone who is against the war of anti-Semitism.
REPUBLICAN PROPAGANDA: You believe this crap?
SCHUMER: Well, wait a second--don't we need to 'take out' Hezbollah? We can't just stand by while an ally gets shelled by a rogue group of terrorists?
COMMON SENSE: They may be a problem. But Americans want a bigger vision for peace in the Middle East than the shock-and-awe approach that has already failed twice. We should have supported a quick retaliation against the fighters who bombed Israel and then pushed for immediate diplomacy between Israel and Lebanon. Instead, Bolton and the White House have manipulated the Israelis into a military battle that has resulted in a massive escalation of death and violence on both sides. The war is making things much, much worse. It has only harmed Israel--harmed them physically, politically and morally.
REPUBLICAN PROPAGANDA: What a bunch of anti-Semitic lies from this so-called 'Common Sense' guy. Don't listen, Senator. Israel is our only ally in the Middle East. If we let Hezbollah fire missiles at Israel, then any day now Iran and Syria might launch more missiles and destroy Israel altogether!
SCHUMER: Yeah, that's righ--
COMMON SENSE: Senator, that makes absolutely no sense. Think about it, just think. Israel's closest ally in the world is the United States. If Syria or Iran were to launch a full out attack against Israel, effectively destroying the country, what do you think would happen to Syria and Iran within minutes?
SCHUMER: (silence)
COMMON SENSE: Senator?
SCHUMER: I'm thinking...I give up, what?
COMMON SENSE: They would be destroyed! So, whosoever launches the attack that destroys Israel will achieve one thing and one thing only: the total destruction of their own country by the United States. The Middle East is stuck in the same dynamic of deterrence that we had with Russia in the 1980s. Nobody is going to destroy Israel. Do you see what I am saying?
SCHUMER: Actually, that makes a lot of sense, Sense. (laughs) I guess you really are Common Sense.
REPUBLICAN PROPAGANDA: But these guys are all terrorists! The terrorists started this war!
COMMON SENSE: Just ignore him, Senator. The reality is this: there is no 'beginning' to what has happened in the Middle East. Hezbollah fired the first missiles, but Israel still occupies Shebaa Farms--territory in the North of Lebanon. So who started it? Who cares! As diplomats and honest brokers for peace our job is to NOT get drawn into the fight, but to foster the conditions to bring the fight to an end.
SCHUMER: Actually, that makes sense. I seem to remember reading something to that effect in a New Yorker article once. I think I have it somewhere around here...
REPUBLICAN PROPAGANDA: Wake up, Senator! This is World War III. The Jews were destroyed by the Nazis once already, are you going to let the Liberals talk you into abandoning the Jews for a second time.
COMMON SENSE: Listen carefully to what Republican Propaganda is saying, Senator. He is trying to appeal to Jewish fear. But each day that he provokes Israel into killing more and more innocent Lebanese people--the world becomes less safe for Jews. The other day in Seattle, the an Arab-American became so frustrated, angry and confused by what was happening in the Middle East that he walked into a Jewish Center and shot a Jewish person to death--just because he was Jewish. If the war is supposed to help Jews, why did an American Jew get killed after the war began?? It makes no sense. The only road to safety for Israel and for Jews is to stop the war right now.
SCHUMER: Yeah, that does make good sense. But what do we do once we stop? We still have all those Hezbollah guys saying crazy things that are scaring everyone. And now Al Qaeda wants a piece of the action.
REPUBLICAN PROPAGANDA: Smoke 'em out!! We have to get to the root cause of the problem. Lebanon is a lil' baby democracy. We need to keep spreadin' freedom...
COMMON SENSE: Here's what we need to do, Senator. And I'm glad you asked. First, stand up against John Bolton--fillibuster him in the Senate if you have to. He is a symbol of American aggression in the world. Making Bolton permanent ambassador to the UN would be like throwing gasoline on the fire. Stop it. Renominate a non-political candidate--an elder statesman who symbolizes trust in the world vis-a-vis American diplomacy in the Middle East (e.g., Jimmy Carter or even James Baker). Second, call for an immediate cease fire and talks between the Israelis and the Lebanese. And call for our DOS to use every carrot they have to get those two sides to the table--whatever it takes, at any cost. This is where the money should be spent, not on more guided missiles, but on getting these folks to talk. Third, initiate talks between Syria and the United States right now. Show the world that the United States is not interested in military action anymore in the Middle East, but our goal is diplomacy.
REPUBLICAN PROPAGANDA: Great idea. Reward the terrorists with diplomatic relations.
COMMON SENSE: Reward the terrorists? We would not be rewarding the terrorists. We would be rewarding our children--and the children of Israel, Syria, Lebanon--and every other country in the Middle East. We would be rewarding them with an end to the violence.
SCHUMER: But what would we talk about?
COMMON SENSE: Good question, Senator. We would talk about resolving the violence immediately. Disarming Hezbollah. Aid and assistance to the Lebanese and the Palestinians. Economic development projects between Israel, Syria and Lebanon. And--most importantly--pulling the United States out of Iraq.
REPUBLICAN PROPAGANDA: But what about the War on Terror?
COMMON SENSE: Everything Bush and Bolton have done in the past 5 years has fueled the rise of terrorism in the world. Everything. The 'War on Terror' is a lie. We protect America by forging alliances, not by invading and occupying countries on our own.
SCHUMER: This is all starting to make sense to me. What you are saying, basically, is that the best way to protect Israel is to return to a foreign policy based on talk and diplomacy, not military domination.
COMMON SENSE: Bingo. You're on the same page as the rest of America. Welcome back, Senator.
REPUBLICAN PROPAGANDA: But you're abandoning Israe--
SCHUMER: Oh, stick a cork in it, Republican Propaganda. All that talk is leading to more and more deaths. My interest is saving the lives of children, not holding to your narrow political line.
REPUBLICAN PROPAGANDA: (click)
COMMON SENSE: Now that's what I call 'common sense.' See you at the Bolton fillibuster, Senator. I'll be in the back row and, uh...if I were you--I'd keep this call between you and me.
SCHUMER: Will do.
COMMON SENSE: (click)
(Schumer hangs up, then dials his office secretary)
SCHUMER: Dorothy! Get me Hillary on the phone. There's been a change of plans...