From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
I love water. On a hot day in a tall glass filled with ice cubes, nothing quenches thirst more completely.
I hate water. My dad used to take me out on the waters of the southern Maine coast in his little one-masted Laser sailboat...whether I wanted to go or not. Perpetually "almost tipping over" is how I developed my intense fear of drowning. The only place I find the ocean beautiful is from a perch on dry land.
I love water. Are you drinking coffee or tea this morning? Okay then.
I hate water. If it doesn't show up when and where it's needed, it causes droughts. The earth splits open and everything dies. Scientists call it the "Ann Coulter Effect."
I love water. I have yet to find a way of washing the car without it. I'd say the same thing about dishes, but we have a dog for that.
I hate water. Because it is a cruel, cruel master: "Around 5% to 6% water loss, one may become groggy or sleepy, experience headaches or nausea, and may feel tingling in one's limbs. With 10% to 15% fluid loss, muscles may become spastic, skin may shrivel and wrinkle, vision may dim, urination will be greatly reduced and may become painful, and delirium may begin. Losses of greater than 15% are usually fatal." And how was your day, dear?
I love water. Because it is a generous master: "The unique qualities and properties of water are what make it so important and basic to life. The cells in our bodies are full of water. The excellent ability of water to dissolve so many substances allows our cells to use valuable nutrients, minerals, and chemicals in biological processes."
Today...water is on my shit list. I really, really hate it.
The American Red Cross
1 800 HELP NOW
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Note: Karl Rove, you may think you're off the radar screen. But you're not.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Labor Day: 5
Days `til John Roberts gives his opening remarks: 6
Early estimated cost to insurance companies of cleaning up after Hurricane Katrina: $26 Billion
U.S.'s rank among 29 nations surveyed in both math literacy and problem solving among 15 year-olds: 24th
(Source: Program for International Assessment via New York Times)
Number of federal mileage standards the Hummer and Ford Excursion have to meet: 0
(Source: Washington Post)
Amount U.S. Senate candidate Jeanine Pirro allegedly spends every few months on "silky bra and underwear sets" at Victoria's Secret: $600
(Source: New York Post via The Week magazine)
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day Meet the St. Bernard family. All 11 of them.
CHEERS to the ultimate sacrifice. Against blistering opposition---and insurmountable odds---George W. Bush draws a line in the Crawford dust and vows to cut his 5-week vacation short by two days, but not before strummin' a tune on "the ol' banjo." Emperor Nero would be proud.
P.S. This is how the White House home page looked as late as yesterday at 5pm. You tell me...is there something, shall we say, missing??
JEERS to Hell on Earth. The devastation in Dixie is too widespread to even try to describe in words. But at least there's comfort in knowing that we will all share your pain soon...thanks to the made-for-TV movies that are probably already in production. Ugh.
CHEERS to The Chad & Carol Show. A CNN weatherman flips out on live TV when the anchorwoman won't shut her yap. (You've gotta watch this clip, courtesy of Crooks and Liars.) Five'll get ya ten they're "making up" in the supply closet...
JEERS to taking your eye off the ball. (via The Progressive) An FBI document released Monday shows law enforcement agencies in Michigan targeting and labeling peace groups and other non-threatening organizations as terrorist groups:
Sarah Mcdonald, a longtime member of Direct Action, was taken aback by the designation of her group.
"I was shocked," she says. "I was really disturbed that the FBI is misusing its power this way. They're trying to squash dissent, and they're doing that by monitoring anti-war groups and other groups against the Bush Administration."
The ACLU also condemns the police surveillance and the use of the label "terrorist" to describe the peace group and the affirmative action group.
"This document confirms our fears that federal and state counterterrorism officers have turned their attention to groups and individuals engaged in peaceful protest activities," said Ben Wizner, an ACLU staff attorney. "When the FBI and local law enforcement identify affirmative action advocates as potential terrorists, every American has cause for concern."
Amazingly, they'd never heard of the Sweater-knitting Traverse City Grannies for Islamic Jihad and Death to America. Or their annual yard sale.
CHEERS to signing on the dotted line. How fast is the citizen recall of Spokane, Washington mayor Jim "I Love Gay Chat Rooms But I'm Not Gay" West going? Organizers have collected 40% of the signatures they need in only 3 days. BTW, ROTFLMAO, Jimbo. :)
JEERS to the weapons you have, not the weapons you want. The Iraq army is asking the U.S. for better guns and vehicles so they can, y'know, start securing their country so we don't have to. Rumsfeld's response: "Eh...you're doing fine with pea flickers, wedgies and Ford Pintos." Now go make this place safe for democratheocracy!
CHEERS to angels in my backyard. The Blue Angels are coming to the Great State of Maine Air Show Sept. 10 and 11...and so is Cindy Sheehan, who will speak at a protest rally here. But first we had to guarantee, in writing: no fire ants or rattlesnakes.
CHEERS to seeing things close-up. On this date in 1842, the U.S. Naval Observatory was created by an act of Congress. Their first weekly report was brief: "We see London. We see France. We see President Tyler's underpants! Ha Ha Haaa!!" They've gotten better since then.
JEERS to empty pockets. The poverty rate has risen four years in a row. It now affects 37 million Americans. That humming sound you hear is the Republican elite goosing the voltage on the electric fences around their mansions.
CHEERS to Kaleefornia. Where the assembly just passed a gay civil rights bill covering housing, employment and---my favorite---"the delivery of goods and services." Now you know why UPS drivers in the state look so nervous today.
CHEERSto your morning cuppa joe. Did ya hear about this? Researchers have found that coffee has more antioxidants in it than any other part of your diet. I don't know about you, but most of the coffee-drinkers I know always seem to be on the verge of a meltdown. Make mine tea, please.
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C&J Flashback: August 31, 2004...
CHEERS to good sports. Despite pre-games hand-wringing over terrorist concerns and Athens' readiness, the 2004 Olympics were an unqualified success, marred only by a handful of he won/no, he won scandals and crazed fans. Best news: the Iraqis who didn't win medals won't lose their heads this time (although the arrogant American basketball team should).
JEERS to the MTV Music Awards. J-Zee and Outkast were the big winners. But with tape-delay and everyone on their best behavior, it lacked a certain naughty zing. Savvy viewers up here watched the Millinocket Rotary Club's Nude Blueberry Vat Wrestling tourney on public access instead.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to this bit of helpful advice. Emailed from a friend...
Locked your keys in your car? Did you know this?
If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone on your (or someone else's) cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the other person at your home press the `unlock' button of your key fob ("clicker"), holding it near the phone on their end. Your car will unlock. It saves someone having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object---you could be hundreds of miles away. If you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors.
If you don't have a car with a remote door unlocker, no problem. The "large magical vehicle entry rock" still works like a charm.
See ya next month. Let's hope it's a smidge better than this one. Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today
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Today's Shameless Testimonial
"Even though there is great enthusiasm in some circles for Cheers and Jeers, the evidence does not support Cheers and Jeers as the best way to keep young people from unintended pregnancy."
Jonathan Klein, chairman
America Academy of Pediatrics committee on teen pregnancy
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