George W. Bush and Vladimir Putin first met at an "ice-breaking" summit in Ljubljana, Slovenia on 16 June 2001. We don't know what exactly the two men talked about, but based on Bush's actions in the course of the next four years, it probably went something like this:
BUSH: Hey, lookit me everyone, I'm a cowboy! Howdy! Howdy! Howdy!
RICE: Mr. President, this is President Vladimir Putin of the Russian Federation.
BUSH: Putin, eh? Say, can I call you Pooty-Poot?
PUTIN: If you must.
(continued below)
BUSH: Attaboy! Say there, Pooty-Poot, you been in this world leader business longer than I have, got a few tips for me?
PUTIN: As you may know, Mr. President -
BUSH: Say there, Pooty-Poot, now that we're friends you can call me Kegger, that's what they called me back at Yale. Hoo-WEEE!
PUTIN: Um, as I was saying, although I have only been in power for a year and a half, I am able to draw upon the vast experience of the greatest leader Russia has ever known, the Great Josef Stalin.
BUSH: Say there, Condi, I never was much of one for book-learnin', who's this Stalin fella he's talkin' about?
RICE: Well, he was absolute ruler of the USSR from -
BUSH: C'mon, Rice-cakes, I ain't got all day here. Just tell me if he got along OK with the good ol' US of A.
RICE: Well, he was an ally of ours during World War Two, b -
BUSH: That's all I need to know. If he was helping us fight those whatchamacallums, that's good enough for me. What kinda leader was this guy, Pooty-Poot?
PUTIN: He was a man of great courage. He was never afraid to do what needed to be done.
BUSH: Attaboy! Sounds like my kinda fella. Tell me more.
PUTIN: His greatest triumph was his fight against the fascists in the Great Patriotic War.
BUSH: Great Patriotic War! That sounds like a jim-dandy name for a war. Say there, Condo, how come we never got any cool-sounding names for any of our wars? I think it'd be a fine thing to show how patriotic we are by fighting a patriotic war. Go on, Pooty-Poot, go on!
PUTIN: Of course, some of the Great Stalin's most notable triumphs were won against enemies he invented out of whole cloth.
BUSH: That sounds just exactly like something Karl's always tellin' me. Say there, Condiment, you remember back when Karl planted that bug in his own office, then "found" it and accused whatsisname [1] of putting it there? Worked like a charm.
PUTIN: Indeed, my friend, a stratagem worthy of the Great Stalin himself. Of course, Stalin would not have bothered to actually plant any incriminating evidence. He would simply announce the existence of such evidence, and then act to destroy his enemies.
BUSH: Well, there you go, sounds like this Stalin fella could have taught Karl a thing or two. What else did this guy like to do, Pooty-Poot?
PUTIN: The Great Stalin was never reluctant to accuse his enemies of being traitors to the state. The less evidence he had, the better.
BUSH: Damn straight! That's the stuff! Conestoga, make a note, see if you can get that Annie Cutler girl to write a book about that. [2] Anything else?
PUTIN: The Great Stalin would brook no dissent. He liked to say that "those who are not with us are against us."
BUSH: Say, that's a damn good line. You mind if I use that one?
PUTIN: Be my guest.
BUSH: Thanks a bunch-a-roo, Pooty-Poot. This is just the kind of unvarnished advice a world leader like me needs to hear. Say there, Rice-a-Roni, you got that prepared statement ready for those press people?
RICE: Right here, Mr. President.
BUSH: Okey-dokey, then, let's get out there and say hi to the folks. Hey, lookit me everyone, I'm a cowboy! Howdy! Howdy! Howdy!
Notes:
[1] Mark White, Democratic Governor of Texas.
[2] Ann Coulter's Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terror was published two years later, in September 2003.