TEA. A program you haven't heard of - until now. A program so secret even
leakers at the New York Times could not divine its existence. A program so secret that even George W. Bush is monitored and yet he couldn't tell you what it is.
What is it? Total Excretion Awareness. While TIA, John Poindexter's first attempt at a comprehensive plan to spy on Americans, was being pummeled in the press, Poindexter secretly went underground, to the 4th subbasement at NSA headquarters.
That's where, a mere 20 feet above our nation's TSST* Site, Mr. Poindexter's Metamucil kicked in, and he created TEA - the next step in catching terrorists and evil librul Americans. Those of you with top-secret security clearances and a nose for detail proceed below, where TEA is explained.
Please be aware: No diktat's from Kos can halt the flow of this vitally secreted information.
Total
Excretion
Awareness is the combination of electronic and biological monitoring of the highest form to identify terrorists, their sympathizers, and employees of the New York Times.
This monitoring is done by the Porcelein Intelligence Surveillance Systems currently being installed on all toilets and washbasins throughout our nation. Yes - those little electronic devices that are sold as hygenic and convenience devices are monitoring our nations' bathrooms for terrorists, spies, traitors, sympathizers, appeasers, and every day old constipators.
These devices are so advanced they can tell - through refinements made in the smell-o-vision technology of the 60's - your eating habits (cocktail weenies, hummus), your preferences for drink (sweet tea, Coors Light, 500 year-old Scotch), your levels of cleanliness (very important in outing terrorists, just ask Ann Coulter), and even your dress habits through infrared analysis, spectrum phonography, and whether your curse when the damn thing doesn't flush the first time.
Now you know the truth. Fighting terrists is a dirty job, some would say it's a shitty job. Not me. Our nation is doing that dirty work, number one (or two) at a time.
We'll flush those terrorists out - come hell or high water - with TEA: Total Excrement Awareness.
* Pronounced "Test": Top Secret Septic Tank
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