This was it, the final straw. All my synapses are burning out. I have cracked open a bottle of Jack Daniels and I am currently polishing it off in huge, desperate, gulps. I can feel a nasty aneurysm developing deep in the base of my skull, pressing ruthlessly on my primitive nerve centers. I am absolutely certain that any minute now my head will explode like a scene from the movie
Scanners. I frantically pray that the whiskey will be able to shut down the processing centers before permanent damage is done to the circuits.
And all of this caused by a salt-and-pepper-haired pretty-boy pseudo-newscaster on CNN.
You see I have been watching the the first 60 minutes of Anderson Cooper 360.
So there I was sitting in my chair, fat, dumb and happy, when I thought, "What the heck, I'll flip over to CNN and see what they have to report on all the news of today".
After all, there was a lot of important news today you know.
- An openly terrorist group with a platform that supports the destruction of Israel gained power through democratic elections in Palestine.
- The debate regarding a dangerously conservative Supreme Court nominee was ongoing, with a previous major presidential candidate coming out in favor of filibuster.
- President Bush held only his 10th news conference since his re-election where he thumbed his nose at the U.S. Constitution, the Congress, and the Media, regarding his illegal spying on Americans.
- The Whitehouse is refusing to release photographs showing the President with an admitted felon.
- General Casey, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, acknowledged that the Army is "stretched".
- Senators Schumer (D-NY) and Salazar (D-CO) called for an independent counsel to take over the investigation of the Abramoff corruption scandal.
- G.M. reports that it lost $4.8 billion in the 4th quarter, and is planning large job cuts and plant closings to stave off bankruptcy.
I could go on and on.
And the lead story on CNN's primetime news show? OPRAH!?
That's when it started, just a numb feeling at the base of my skull. I've felt this before so I knew what to do. I filled an old-fashioned glass with ice, poured in a jigger of Jack, and sat back down to wait for the real news.
As the commercial break ended, and as I was just finishing my drink, I thought, "OK, finally here comes the real news. But there was just more Oprah and Frey. I double checked my TIVO, certain that I must have done something to replay the previous ten minutes, but alas, I had not. They really were doing a second segment on the oh-so-important Oprah book scandal. And then, while I was still reeling slightly, I thought I saw Larry King. "It couldn't be," I told myself, "Larry King was the show previous to this one." I closed my eyes and rubbed them, HARD, but he was still there when I opened them. This was going to require some serious ammunition. I grabbed the bottle of Jack again and poured myself a double just as the second commercial break began.
I'm having a difficult time remembering all of the details after that. Commercial break after commercial break, Oprah, Oprah, and more Oprah. I know that there is ice and broken glass on the floor near the entertainment center where the TV sits, I can only assume it is the result of bad aim. I am drinking straight from the bottle now. Because of the pain in my brain, I am certain that there is some giant hulking beast with its jaws clamped on my skull, but I can only see it if I squint my eyes in just the right way.
60 full minutes of nothing but Oprah and Frey coverage, and over half the bottle of Jack gone now. Cooper now looks like a giant rabid ferret, King like a huge lizard with obscenely bulging eyes, and I swear that I could see monstrous crooked yellow fangs momentarily appearing in the sides of thier mouths.
Too disconnected to do anything about it now. I sit here in my easy chair, unable to move except for the frequent involuntary full-body spasms. Perhaps if I make it through this, I'll write a letter to CNN. I can't really keep my thoughts straight enough right now to imagine what I might say in that letter. I'm sure it will have something to do with jackboots, police states, ferrets, mafia-like thugs, lizards, Oprah, and fangs. Or something like that.
Better not to think about that now. Just let the circuits shut down. Protect the brain at all costs. Pray that sweet unconsciousness will allow the nerve endings to heal...