Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com
By now, you've surely heard about the leak of a 140-page secret dossier laying out Rudy Giuliani's masterplan for a 2008 presidential bid, including aides' concerns about his chief vulnerabilities. But press reports have left out the most explosive revelations contained in this highly confidential document:
- "Mr. 9/11" sleeps with a Teddy Bear given to him by Bernard Kerik.
- Rudy's biggest liability with evangelicals: perception of name as "Jew-liani."
- Rudy's biggest liability in South: not abortion stand, but NY Yankee logo tattooed on ass.
- Rudy's biggest asset in South: that his first wife was his cousin.
- More problems with cultural conservatives: When living with gay couple after being thrown out by Donna Hanover, it was Rudy who did the cooking.
- Rudy’s talking points to damage Mitt Romney: "I may have had three wives, but not at once."
- Rudy’s game plan to mess with McCain’s head: pay off hotels where McCain stays to rename themselves Hanoi Hilton.
- Rudy’s back-up plan to wreck McCain’s campaign: Have NYC cops re-route McCain’s Straight Talk Express right into the heart of the West Village.
- NY City so unprepared for disasters that "America’s Mayor" had to communicate with Fire Chief on 9/11 with tin cans and string.
- Rudy forced to resign from Iraq Study Group after recommending that top priority should be ridding Baghdad of squeegee clerics.