Let’s face the facts, okay? When you were in school, there was many a Monday morning where your alarm clock started blaring at 6:00... and as your hand came slamming down on the snooze button, you thought "GEE GOLLY, I sure do wish that instead of having to go to school today, that some sweaty middle-aged guy would pull a gun on me, hold me captive for years, and possibly even physically and sexually abuse me!"
But it was just a dream that was just way too good to be true, wasn’t it? Well, it doesn’t have to be. I’m here to announce The Bill O’Reilly Culture Warrior™ School Avoidance Program.
When I was a youth growing up on the hardscrabble streets of Westbury, New York, attending a $7,000/year private high school for boys, living the gritty, dangerous life that you have to live when your father is an accountant in a upper middle class community – I often dreamed of the sweet escape of being abducted by a sick child predator. No homework, no classes, just play all day long... you know, just sweet, easy captivity.
But was I ever, you know, kidnapped by a pedophile at gunpoint? NO! "And why not?", you may be asking yourself. I’ll tell you why: because no one was Looking Out For me, the way that I’m Looking Out For kids today.
So what I’m proposing is very simple, okay? A matchmaking service sort of like e-Harmony where child sexual predators can be matched with kids who don’t like school. In this way, I think you’ll agree -- everybody wins. I don’t know why nobody else has ever thought of this, actually. I assume it has something to do with my level of intelligence as compared to that of everybody else.
Now I can hear the secular progressives and liberal hate sites saying now, "No child ever wants to be kidnapped at gunpoint by a child predator." That’s typical elite San Francisco values speaking there, all right? Typical secular-progressive Pelosi-crats pretending that they know what’s best for our children. But did you write a book called "Who’s Looking Out For You? For Kids"? No! Okay? I knew you didn’t, because I wrote a book with that title and if you’d tried to use that title for your book, I would have sued you. Okay? So I think I know what’s best for kids, and not you.
Also, I think if you ask kids if they’d rather play Xbox while getting sodomized with a falafel all day, or go to third period geometry – they’d all prefer not going to school, all right?
Predictably, I know that some of those same hate sites that are targeting me will say, "But some children LIKE school!" Well, to those people I say, "I don’t believe you." Okay? And also, "Shut up. Just shut up! Will somebody please cut the mikes of these liberal secular-progressive San Francisco Pelosicrats? I will have the crack Fox News Security Team come to your house and break your kneecaps!"
And that’s tonight’s Memo.