Scene 1: An Iowa town hall meeting
Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton!
Sung to "Whatever Lola Wants" from "Damn Yankees"
Hillary:
Whatever Rodham wants
Rodham gets
And Iowa, little Rodham wants you
Make up your mind to have, no regrets
Incline yourself, resign yourself, to me
I always get what I aim for
Your caucus votes are what I came for!
Don't you know I always win
I'm irresistible you fools
Give in...
give in...
give in!
Blackout
Scene 2: A poorly attended press conference
Announcer: Please welcome Mr. Tom... uhm, Mr. Tom... fuck it. Please welcome the governor of Iowa.
Sung to "Mr. Cellophane" from "Chicago the Musical"
Vilsack:
If anyone ran for president
Even in our crowded tent
If he threw his hat into the ring -
You'd notice him
But even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets booked on CNN
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never, even know
I'm there.
Spoken: I hope I haven't taken up too much of your time.
Blackout
Scene 3: Somewhere in the Bible Belt
Barbara Streisand sings offstage:
Aren't they rich
Aren't they... queer.
Thinking they'll win their base
Sorry, my dears
Send in the clowns
Please send in the clowns
Don't bother, they're here...
Blackout
Scene 4: A typical day on Daily Kos
BREAKING! Wes Clark to announce today
Sung to the intro of "All I Care About is Love" from "Chicago the Musical"
Clarkies:
We want Wes Clark
Give us Wes Clark
We're all his
He's our kind of a guy
And ooh what luck
Cause here he is...
UPDATE: Sorry, my super secret double platinum source was wrong, Clark is NOT announcing today. Please unreccomend this diary.
Blackout
Scene 5: Washington, D.C.
Tony Snow: President Bush sings the press conference rag.
Notice how his mouth never moves......almost
Sung to "They Both Reached for the Gun" from "Chicago the Musical"
MSM: Why'd you do it?
McCain: 'Cause he promised
MSM: You the White House?
McCain: In 2008
MSM: Why'd you buy it?
McCain: I was desperate
"Play along" the president urged
And so we both
Went for the surge
McCain: Oh yes
oh yes
oh yes we both
oh yes we both
oh yes we both
went for
the surge
the surge
the surge
the surge
oh yes
we both
went for the surge
for the surge
Lieberman: Understandable, understandable
yes it's perfectly understandable
comprehensible, comprehensible
not a bit reprehensible, its sooo
defensible...
MSM: How's your numbers?
McCain: Falling quickly
MSM: Are you sorry?
McCain: Are you kidding???
MSM: What’s your statement?
McCain: All I’d say is
though I've surely missed the boat
I’d sell my wife to win the vote
MSM: And?
McCain: Stay away from
MSM: What?
McCain: Gays and marriage
MSM: And?
McCain: And illegal immigrants
that’s the thought that
MSM: Yeah?
McCain: Came upon me
MSM: When?
McCain: When we both went for the surge!!!!!!!!!!
MSM:
Oh yes
oh yes
oh yes they both
oh yes they both
oh yes they both
went for
the surge
the surge
the surge
the surge
oh yes
they both
went for the surge
for the surge
All: Oh yes
oh yes
oh yes they both
oh yes they both
oh yes they both
went for
the surge
the surge
the surge
the surge
oh yes
they both
went for the surge
for the surge
Both went for the surge!
Blackout
Scene 6: Hillary's hotel room, the night of the Iowa primary
Hillary: Mirror, mirror, on the wall.
Who's the leader of them all?
Hillary: EDWARDS?!! Why would anyone vote for Edwards?
Magic Mirror, what is it about Edwards? What is his appeal?
Show me!
Hillary: This can't be happening to me. Not after all my years of careful planning. There must be something I've missed. But what? What is it? Magic Mirror, help me!
A blinding ray of light strikes the stage from above and a figure appears.
Hillary: You! What are you doing here?
Obama: I've come to help you, Hillary.
Hillary: Help me? Why would YOU help me?
Obama: Well... IF you win the nomination, you're going to need a running mate. (grins)
(pause)
Hillary: Deal. But this better be good. Just how are you going to help me?
Obama: I'm going to give you what your missing.
Sung to "Popular" from "Wicked the Musical"
Obama: I know I know exactly what you need
And even in your case
Tho' it's the toughest case I've yet to face
Don't worry - I'm determined to succeed
Follow my lead
And yes, indeed
You will be:
Popular!
You're gonna be popular!
I'll teach you the proper ploys
To win over Illinois
You've got to be able to play in Peoria!
I'll help you be popular!
You'll win over liberal blogs
They will simply be agog
Moving left will win the base
So let's start
'Cause you've got an awful record to erase
Don't be offended by my frank analysis
Think of it as political dialysis
As your future running mate and pal, a
Brother and adviser
There's nobody wiser
Not when it comes to popular -
I know about popular
And with an assist from me
There's nothing that can stop you
From becoming popular
La la la la
I'm gonna make
You popular
Now think of
Celebrated heads of state or
Especially great communicators
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don't make me laugh!
They were popular! Please -
It's all about popular!
It's not about aptitude
It's the way you're viewed
So it's very shrewd to be
Very very popular
Like me!
Hillary: This isn't going to work. I can't do it!
Obama: Oh yes you can!
You're gonna grin and bear it
Your new found popularity
La la la la
You'll be popular -
Just not as quite as popular
As me!
Blackout
Scene 7: The Democratic National Convention
Nancy Pelosi: It is my great pride and honor to introduce the 2008 Democratic candidate, the once and future president of the United States... Mr. Al Gore!
The End