NASA forgot to tell Shuttle astronautLisa Marie Nowak what most male pilots spew verbatim.
If a relationship is more than two VORs away, it ain't cheating.
Nowak, age 43, a former test pilot, was arrested at Orlando International Airport after driving nearly 1,000 miles from her home in Houston, where she lives with her husband and three children, to confront her rival, Colleen Shipman, an Air Force captain stationed at Patrick Air Force Base south of Kennedy Space Center, Orlando police said.
Nowak believed Shipman, 30, was romantically involved with Oefelein, and when she found out Shipman was flying to Orlando from Houston, she decided to confront her early Monday, according to the arrest affidavit.
Nowak raced pedal to the metal to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said.
Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry. At time of last report, Nowak was behind the controls of a car, not the Space Shuttle.
Dressed in a wig and a trench coat, she waited for Shipman's plane to land and then boarded the same airport shuttle bus Shipman took to get to her car. Shipman noticed someone following her, hurried inside the car and locked the doors.
Nowak rapped on the window, tried to open the car door and asked for a ride. Shipman refused but rolled down the car window a few inches (!!!!) when the astronaut started crying.
Nowak then sprayed a chemical into Shipman's car, who drove to the parking lot booth and police were called.
An officer followed Nowak and watched her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. Police also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested.
Nowak told police she meant Shipman no harm, but only wanted to frighten her into talking-a bit of twisted girl talk, if you will- about their mutual relationship with Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, a 41-year-old astronaut who piloted Discovery on its December mission to the space station (which is probably looking like a mighty attractive destination to Oefelein, at this point).
Nowak denied a romantic involvement with the unmarried Oefelein, but characterized their relations as warmer than a working relationship. (Warm like the thrust of the Shuttle beneath her astro seat at "all engines go for lift-off").
Accused of stalking and attacking her rival in an alleged love triangle, Nowak posted bail today only to be re-arrested on a charge of first degree attempted murder. Having a No Good Really Bad Day, Nowak posted additional bail and was ordered released and given her very own special souvenir... an ankle tracking device.
Compliments of the state of Florida.
GPS for the girl who once had everything.
Ya'll have a nice day, ya hear?
The writers at Saturday Night Live are a T minus 4 days and counting until air time.
Nowak-Oefelein-Shipman.
A newly discovered Jerry Springer constellation.