Nothing will ever be right. Nothing is exactly as it is supposed to be. No matter how much you push and fight and try, it never works. If nothing ever works, nothing will ever be right, then why try? You become ineffectual, helpless. You become enraged.
You attack. Angry at everyone and everything that contributes to the imperfection that surrounds you.
The attacks don’t help. In fact it only serves to remind you of being less effectual than your ideal. You feel more helpless. You become angrier than before. Then you attack again. And on, and on..
This is the endless cycle of perfection that drives addictive personalities. It is the eternal road of disappointment that is laden heavy on both sides by broken wills, bottles, and needles. Each step on this road is torture, you attack those around you, and when alone you attack yourself.
It’s the time alone that is the worst.
Attacking others is a reprieve. It gives you a break from the constant beating that you deal to your soul. That imperfect, ineffective, helpless soul. It should be a better soul; you know it should, if you hit it harder maybe it will be right. If you berate it more maybe it will stand taller. If you hate it maybe it will love.
It is this endless siege that drives addiction. To cut into your body, the physical pain of it is better than the pain you feel all the time. To attack another is respite from it. To dull your mind with drink is respite from it. To feel the opiate rush is respite from it. The pain of not meeting perfection is dark and terrible and relentless.
This is the curse of high expectations.
To lift it you need to know that you walk the perfect road, and someone with a map to get you home.
You are worth the map. You are worth the guide. You are worth a helping hand.
It will hurt. Because you expect the perfect outcome of finding the way off of this road yourself. To take that hand will sting you in the same way that all help has always done. But know this; taking that hand is the height of courage. It is bravery against the darkest adversary anyone has ever known. It is the decision to face yourself, and you will win.
Take the hand.
Good Luck