From dictionary.com, "helpmeet," a bastardization of "helpmate:"
help·mate –noun
- a companion and helper.
- a wife or husband.
- anything that aids or assists, esp. regularly: This calculator is my constant helpmate.
Sounds like a pretty nice concept, doesn't it? A companion, a helper, anything that aids or assists. We should all be so lucky in our lives. But lately, I've encountered a situation in my own life that's reinforcing every ugly, nasty connotation of the word, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it...
I volunteer on my college's alumni chapter board, helping with the interview program for seniors in high school applying to college. Recently, my former co-chair left the committee, and her replacement is a genial guy who's about 45, a good 20 years older than me. We're planning a party for the kids in our area who were accepted in order to encourage them to attend, and we've spent some time on logistics. I mentioned casually, in the context of food and drink setup, that my husband (also an alumnus of the college in question) would most likely be available to bartend the party, as he did last year.
My co-chair thought this was hilarious. He laughed for easily a minute. I was a little confused; I'm not sure why that would be funny. My co-chair then went on to inquire why on earth he would do such a thing. My response was, "[Husband] helps me out a lot with this stuff; he really makes my life easy." Boy, did my co-chair get hysterical then. Last night, I saw him again at our board meeting. We had dinner brought in, and as I sat down to eat, my co-chair said, "What, [Husband]'s not cooking you dinner tonight?"
Just then, it hit me. I realized why he thought the idea of my husband helping me was so funny: in his mind, my husband is playing the role of "the woman." I was blown away by this concept. Isn't the whole idea of being married that you help each other out, in big ways and small? It's thoroughly offensive that someone would question his masculinity because he's willing to volunteer with my projects.
Marriage is an agreement on a number of levels. On a societal level, it's a legal contract between two people, conferring certain rights and privileges. Religions teach various things about marriage as well, although the civil side and the religious side have nothing at all to do with each other. But on a personal level, the level no priest or Congressman can touch, marriage is about two people committing themselves to each other in good times and in bad, building a life together, and supporting each other come what may. It can be as big as terminal illness, or as small as serving Cokes to high-school kids at a party.
The right-wing idea of marriage, however, is starkly different from this: authoritarian, rigid, governed by obscure Bible verses and testosterone. It's not a partnership between equals, but a hierarchy of man over woman and children. The vows are not "love, honor and cherish," but "love, honor, and obey." Women are moved in this conceit from father's dominion to husband's dominion. The wife's thoughts, wishes, ideas and activities, therefore, are instantly sublimated to those of her husband. You saw this dynamic all the time in the TV shows of the 1950s and early 1960s. This is the mindset from which my co-chair views marriage, and any other definition of the concept is risible.
How sad. Really, can you imagine a life like that? I am privileged and honored to be married to a man who's strong enough to be my equal, and who never thinks twice about offering me a hand when I need him. This is the way "marriage," in the personal sense of the word, is supposed to be.
Fundamentalist Christians use the term "helpmeet" to put women in their supposed place in the marriage hierarchy, more maid and nanny than partner and lover. But if you look at the definition of the word, it's so much more than that. When we as liberals think of marriage, the idea of companionship, support, friendship and love is foremost in our minds. That's why we fight so hard to get legal recognition for all marriages; we recognize the beauty and power of two people, equals, working together to build a loving life. I just wish everyone could recognize that...