Last week my Honda Accord was in the shop for a few days, and it really bugged me. I had places to go; people to see.
Then I happened to look in the driveway next door to my house, and saw that my neighbor Steve -- we've always been friendly -- had just washed his lovely Beemer the day before. There it sat, a sleek red machine, gleaming in the sun. Here I sat, without wheels. Unhappy; immobilized. So I did what any reasonable person would do.
I stole it.
First of all, don't tell me you wouldn't have stolen his car in the same circumstances. Everybody does it. In fact, I think Steve has stolen a lot of cars over the years himself. Probably a few from me, in fact, if I think about it.
And man, was it a great week! I LOVED how that Beemer handled; loved tooling around with that horspower; totally loved the luxury trappings that didn't come with my Accord. It occured to me as I zipped around town in that beautiful car: hey, I deserve this.
So after my Honda came back from the shop, I made the decision to keep Steve's car. The Honda would be OK as a backup, and for using when Steve wasn't at work and might see his stolen car going into my garage (that was going to be tricky...), but like I said, I've worked hard for a lot of years, and I've always wanted a BMW. Steve was a nice enough guy, but he didn't seem to appreciate the car.
All fine, right? Just something that happens in the course of a neighborhood, many times every day. Nothing to see here.
Well, that's what a reasonable person would think. But no!
Yesrteday some little snotnosed teenager in the neighborhood told Steve that I had his car. I guess Steve had called the police about his missing Beemer, and he and the officers had been asking around to see if anyone had seen anything suspicious. This rotten kid, Matthew -- some geek with thick glasses -- told his mother that he HAD seen me coming out of the DQ parking lot with "Steve's" car, and he ratted me out to his mom, who then sent him over to Steve's house with the information.
Steve rang my bell this morining, and he was pretty pissed off. He's a mild-mannered guy, in general, but you could tell he was mad. I denied taking the car at first, but then he said he'd just a minute before looked in my garage window and saw it. So I evaded answering him further... in fact, I got pissed right back, and told him he had NO GODDAMNED RIGHT peeking in my garage windows. I was a lot better at getting teed off than ol' mild-mannered Steve, that's for sure...and he found that out pretty quickly!
He left, still angry himself... but he said that in the spirit of being good neighbors, he'd accept the car back in the next five hours, and wouldn't pursue the issue further if it hadn't been damaged in any way. But if he didn't get it within five hours, he would call the police.
I told him to go piss up a rope. The asshole.
What's wrong with this f***ing guy? Why would he bring up the whole car thing now?! I took it over a week ago now, and I've gotten very used to it. I like it, and I think it fits my lifestyle well.
Why does Steve, this supposedly "nice guy," want to stir up so much trouble in this nice, quiet neighborhood? He's already gotten some shy, dumb kid involved, ratfinking for him...and his mother, who really has better things to do, like two jobs, since her husband divorced her (not that I blame him!). And don't you think the cops could use their time better preventing murders and assaults, instead of playing Steve's private enforcer?
Steve better watch it. People in this neighborhood are NOT going to tolerate that crap from him. This town is a great place to live, but there's plenty to be done here: civic improvements, making it friendlier for business, rooting for our great sports teams. Why is he wasting not only his own energy, but everyone else's, on some bizarre personal vendetta?
I worry about the guy. People are NOT going to stand for Steve's weird, obsessive behavior. He better watch his step or the neighborhood is going to turn against him, big-time.
UPDATE: Just in case one of my few Steve-loving neighbors posts it on this thread, let me get ahead of it: YES, I had taken another car from Steve in the past.
...But Jesus, that was like six months ago. Are we going to dig into ancient history to satisfy Steve's twisted sense of justice? Can we get on with the business of the neighborhood? I'm trying to go forward, not be dragged backwards. You know, like MOST reasonable people.
UPDATE 2: Man, I am WAY too hard on myself! I forgot to mention a crucial element of this story, which shows just how freaking unhinged Steve has become:
When he came over this morning, I didn't think he'd earned the courtesy of an answer when he asked if I'd taken his car, since he was SO uncivil. So I didn't admit anything. Fuck him!
Despite that, I made it pretty clear that if he really wanted, I'd get him the contents of the car's glove compartment, within a reasonable period time. What more could he want?!
But Steve decided he'd rather go for cheap theatrics. That's his choice, idiotic as it is, and it won't make him look very good in this town.
I can't believe I forgot that! Steve's abuse and whining must have really gotten to me.