Press secretaries are like goldfish. You get it, you look at it, you start to love it... and then one day it's circling the toilet bowl. Luckily, like goldfish, it's easy to replace one so that the children don't really notice the difference.
While we here at The Scotty Show! (really, it's just me here) wish Tony a swift and complete recovery, we cannot help but notice that if you close your eyes and just listen, Ari is Scotty is Tony is Dana is whoever else they put behind the podium. That makes my job a hell of a lot easier, let me tell you.
If you’re new to this here’s how we run things. Tony Snow Dana Perino gives a press briefing to a group of trusting, doe-eyed "reporters". I then post the press briefing – edited, abridged, and full of mocking, profanity and crude pictures of kitties drawn in MS Paint. To make it more reader friendly, we (still just me here) follow this format:
Press questions and comments are italicized for her (and/or his) pleasure.
Tony Snow’s bullshit is thick and bold, like in real life.
My comments are in plain text, which I’m sure signifies something profound.
[T]he comments you made yesterday made it sound like the White House's view towards the Attorney General is, this is a mess and he needs to clean it up; we support him while he does that, but he needs to clean up this mess, which is slightly different than "we have full confidence in him, we want him to stay no matter what."
The reason I felt that I had been maybe misinterpreted is because I did say the President has full confidence in him, and some of the -- I heard someone said that I had tepid support of the Attorney General. That's not true. In fact, I talked to the President again this morning, after the gaggle. We had a chance to talk with him, and he does have 100 percent confidence in the Attorney General.
George Bush is like King Midas, except that instead of everything he touches turning into gold, everything he expresses confidence or support for turns into shit.
Bush gestures support for DeLay
Bush Gives Rumsfeld Vote of Confidence, Says He'll Stay on Job to End of Term
Bush Predicts Miers Will Be Confirmed
Mr. "Heck of a Job" About To Be Shown The Door
Bush, White House support CIA Director Porter Goss
If I was Alberto Gonzales, I would wear a crucifix around my neck or garlic or whatever the fuck it is that keeps George Bush way the fuck away from me.
And, yes, indeed, the Justice Department has work to do, and the President has said that one of the biggest things -- one of the most important things they need to do is start with the document production, which they turned over thousands of documents, and as they find more they turn them over -- I believe that they have largely completed that now -- and that the Attorney General does need to continue to talk to members of Congress. And he can do that in a variety of ways. He can do it by telephone or by letter, and by certainly testifying. As you all know, Congress is going to be out for -- the Senate is going to be out for a week, and the House for two weeks, and his first hearing is scheduled for April 17th.
ODE TO GONZO
He can send a lying telegram
To your office or your home
He can text message his lies
To your text-enabled phone
He can tell you lies by candlelight
Over the finest French cuisine
He can call you up when you're not there
And lie to your machine
He can tell you lies that make you
Shake your head in disbelief
He can tell them on Chris Matthews
On Glenn Beck or Hannity
He can lie to you from in his car
From the subway or a plane
He can lie to you by pigeon
If the pigeon's duly trained
He can lie to you with just the smoke
From a single signal fire
He can write his lies on the inside cover
Of Lies and Lying Liars
And call his lies horseshit deceit
Falsehood bullshit baloney
Dishonest claptrap nonsense
But don't call it testimony!
Do you think the President is risking looking out of touch on the Gonzales situation?
To the contrary, I think the Senate Democrats are the ones who could look out of touch. They have made such a spectacle of this. They have wanted to have the show trials, they have drug this out, they continue to make demands, whether moving the goal posts in terms of what they've asked for for the administration. I don't know how we could have been any more forthcoming, and still been within the bounds of the presidential prerogatives.
The Justice Department has said that they will testify, they've turned over documents, and then for our part, we said that we would turn over documents from -- between the White House and outsiders, and have four close advisors of the President testify. So I think if anyone looks out of touch, it's the Senate Democrats because they spend so much time on this, and not -- nothing else is being worked on. They're not funding the troops, they're not working on immigration, they're not working on education or energy or any of the other things that the American people care about.
The president who had a book read to him about a little girl and her goat when terrorists were staging massive attacks on the financial and military headquarters of our country?
The president who cancelled his vacation to rush to sign legislation forcing a vegetative woman to stay on life support machines despite her stated wishes?
The president who stayed on his ranch playing cowboy or clearing brush or whatever-the-fuck while a hurricane took out a major US port city, killing and displacing US citizens?
The same president who dressed up in a flight suit, said the war was over, and dared the terrorists to "bring it on"?
If that president was worried about appearing "out of touch", I have bad news: That ship has sailed.
But it's no secret there are Republicans all over town who are shaking their head saying, why has the President so pugnaciously dug in on this?
There hasn't been evidence of any -- of anything improper or wrongdoing in the decision for the Justice Department to recommend the replacement of eight U.S. attorneys who serve at the pleasure of the President. And that's why the President continues to have confidence in the Attorney General that they -- that he runs a great department, they have wonderful employees who work there, they are moving forward on numerous corruption cases and helping prevent child exploitation.
Frankly, I don't see how you fucking people can live with yourself. All Attorney General Gonzales is trying to do is prevent child exploitation. Why do you oppose his efforts to prevent child exploitation? I mean, you call him in to testify interview on April 17, and all that does is announce, "Hey child exploiters! Nobody's going to be stopping your sex slavery ring on April 17! The Enforcer's got other shit going on that day!"
And I just can't see how having show trials up on Capitol Hill would be any more out of touch with what the President is doing, which is getting on with the business of the day for the American people.
Among the vital business of the day for the American people performed by the president yesterday:
- Presenting a trophy to a football team!
- Issuing a message about Passover!
- Renaming a forest in Puerto Rico!
Holy shit, that is WAY more important than some bullshit about determining whether the Bush administration attempted to subvert justice by interfering in federal investigations and prosecutions of their political allies!
Reid, Pelosi -- cut that shit out and start doing important things, like renaming stuff!
Dana, there are several -- you addressed some of this this morning, but there are several veterans groups calling this -- this event at Walter Reed a photo op. What's the response to that?
I think that's an unfortunate characterization. I think that any of you who have had an opportunity -- and I've been very fortunate to have been able to do a couple of times -- actually, a little bit -- maybe four -- to go with the President to go and see wounded soldiers. And there is no more personal moment that he has, and it's one of the -- one of the memories that I cherish the most of working for the President, because you see his gratitude, and they share hugs, and they share laughter, they share tears. And these are very personal moments.
We worked hard to find time on the President's schedule where he could spend three hours up there, which he's going to do today, visiting not just the patients, but the workers who -- the medical workers and the staff up there that provide the support to the soldiers.
And in addition to that, the President is going to make a speech. I would remind you that when this first came to light, the President said, I want to shine a bright light on this, I want to make sure we leave no stone unturned, I want to make sure that we are doing what we need to immediately at the Defense Department to have accountability, and the Veterans Affairs Department to make sure we're doing what we can immediately.
He only wants to shine a bright light on Walter Reed so that the cockroaches scatter and aren't in the picture for his photo op.
Going back to the Attorney General for a minute. You said that Republicans have legitimate questions, certainly, but at the same time, it sounds like you're saying Democrats -- But on the Hill, Democrats who want to ask questions in the form of hearings, then you're saying that's a spectacle?
Wait a minute, I didn't say -- no, I -- I think that all members of Congress have legitimate questions. I wasn't -- that wasn't in -- I think that some of their language and some of their rhetoric has been over the top. I think they have legitimate questions, and I think those questions can be legitimately answered. And I would just respectfully submit that we have worked very hard, from the Department of Justice standpoint and the White House, in order to be accommodating.
Now you're starting to catch on:
SCOTTY SHOW APPLIED SCIENCE
If you've been following the lessons of previous Scotty Show Applied Science sections, you should now be adept at dodging questions and a master of getting what you want. These tricks can help you get what you want and avoid getting caught, but eventually your dirty deeds are likely to catch up with you. That's where this principle comes in handy, and it's one that has been widely reported on DailyKos in the past!
It's okay if you're a Republican! (IOKIYAR!)
If you get caught doing something you're not supposed to, calmly indicate your status as a Republican and wait for the problem to resolve itself! Let's consider the following two examples. The cases are real, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent (or guilty, in the case of Democrats):
PS: Um, hey... again, I just wanted to apologize about that dress, Veronica Schwinski. I'll pay for the dry cleaning if you want.
VS: Thanks, but I think I'll just keep it in my freezer in case --
(Door swings open)
PS: Oh noes! It's Special Prosecutor Ben Schtarr!
BS: President Phil Schminton! What are you doing with this intern!
PS: I'm, uh... well... er... what I mean to say is... (sigh) My party affiliation is Democratic.
REPUBLICAN CONGRESS: Impeach the motherfucker!
As you can see, the hypothetical President Phil Schminton made several mistakes, but his most egregious was becoming a Democrat. Let's look at a similar situation.
POLICE: Excuse me, Representative Moe Schmarborough?
MS: Yes?
POLICE: Amidst rumors that you were having an affair with your 28-year-old intern, said intern turned up dead in your office and you abruptly resigned from both Congress and your position as publisher of the Independent Florida Sun. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
MS: Well... I'm a Republican.
POLICE: Holy shit, why didn't you just say so in the first place!
FOX NEWS: Nothing to see here! By the way, have we told you about that dirty Democrat Representative Larry Schmondit and HIS intern?
GE: Representative Moe Schmarborough, we hope you'll consider our offer to give you your own show on our cable news channel!
As you can see, there's a big difference between an "R" and a "D". Let's take a look at one more example to drive the point home:
DON SCHMEDWARDS: I have just learned that my wife's cancer has returned and is incurable... The key is to keep your head up, keep moving, and be strong. We intend to do just that. We have no intention of cowering in the corner. None, whatsoever.
MEDIA: Wait a second... are you a Democrat or Republican?
DON SCHMEDWARDS: Um, I'm a Democrat.
MEDIA: Some people say you are a jerk! Some people say that you should withdraw your candidacy! Some people say that you should quit the race! Some people say that your priorities are in the wrong place! Some people say that you should go home and be with your family!
But if you're a Republican, you can get away with MORE.
NURSE: I'm sorry, sir, but the cancer ward's visiting hours are over.
BOOT SCHMINGRICH: I'm here to see my wife. I have something for her.
NURSE: Well... okay. (smiles) I guess I can make an exception this one time. Go ahead.
(Schmingrich enters room and tosses some papers on the nightstand)
BOOT SCHMINGRICH: There's your fucking divorce papers, wench. Enjoy your tumor.
MEDIA: Oh my... God -- that's absolutely horri -- Wait a second. Are you a Republican or a Democrat?
BOOT SCHMINGRICH: I'm Head Republican in Charge.
MEDIA: Say no more! (turns to camera) Many conservative icons are hoping for Boot Schmingrich to enter the Republican primary...
So remember, boys and girls. If you're ever caught doing something bad, just repeat these words: I'm a Republican.
And if it's really bad, repeat these words: I will not testify, but I will agree to an informal interview.
And if it's really, REALLY bad, repeat these words: I plead my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.
Which brings us to...
But I think their argument would be, when you have a Monica Goodling saying she's going to take the 5th, that there's not an openness there that allows that conversation --
I'm pretty certain that the lawyers who are also members of Congress, and senators, up on Capitol Hill, who understand the Constitution far better than I do, would understand that everyone has a right under the Constitution to invoke the 5th Amendment. And I'm not here to judge her decision, and I would refer questions about that to her attorney or to herself.
I hope those lawyers understand that your right to invoke the Fifth Amendment does not include this argument:
- If you force me to testify, I will lie my fucking ass off
- Lying my ass off to Congress is a crime
- A person usually appears guilty of a crime during the commission of said crime
- "Self-incriminate" means to "cause oneself to appear to be guilty of a crime"
- Thus testifying will force me to incriminate myself
- Therefore, I plead my Fifth Amendment right against incriminating myself
Dana, the Speaker of the House is traveling to Syria next week. Wondering what the White House's view on that is.
Well, as you know, we do not encourage -- in fact, we discourage members of Congress to make such visits to Syria. This is a country that is a state sponsor of terror, one that is trying to disrupt the Siniora government in Lebanon, and one that is allowing foreign fighters to flow into Iraq from its borders. And so we don't think it's productive to go to Syria and try to -- well, I don't know what she's trying to accomplish. I don't believe that anyone in the administration has spoken to her about it. But in general we do discourage such trips.
Did you hear that, Rep. Robert Aderholt (R-AL)? Rep. Frank Wolf (R-VA)? Rep. David Hobson (R-OH)? How about you, Republican Assistant Secretary of State Ellen Sauerbrey? All of you have gone to Syria in the past month, you enemies of freedom! Oh wait, sorry, I didn't see the little "R" after your names at first. Never mind.
Where was I now? Oh, yeah... Motherfucking Democrats!
So specifically on this one -- this will be the highest-ranking U.S. official to go to Syria since the Hariri assassination, even before that, and apparently she's going to meet with President Assad. Would you have a specific message to the Speaker of the House about meeting with President Assad at a time when the administration has even withdrawn our ambassador from Damascus?
Well, again, I don't know if anyone has spoken to the Speaker. I do think that, as a general rule -- and this would go for Speaker of the House Pelosi and this apparent trip that she is going to be taking -- that we don't think it's a good idea. We think that someone should take a step back and think about the message that it sends, and the message that it sends to our allies. I'm not sure what the hopes are to -- what she's hoping to accomplish there. I know that Assad probably really wants people to come and have a photo opportunity and have tea with him, and have discussions about where they're coming from, but we do think that's a really bad idea.
I'm sure Assad's sitting in his little palace or whatever in Damascus going, "It sure is lonely here. I wish some American would come over here to have some tea with me and get their picture taken."
Is Congress irresponsible for going on vacation right now? Should they come back early? Should the President be asking them to?
Well, I think that that's a judgment that they're going to have to make. We believe that the troops need their funding. They've had 53 days to contemplate it. Department of Defense Secretary Gates and General Pete Pace have told them that there are very real consequences happening today because they don't have this money. And so if the Speaker is traveling on these international -- if the Speaker is going on an international trip, I don't know how many other members of Congress are doing the same. But I would hope that their hearts are in the right place, and that they would want to make sure that at least they're appointing conferees to have discussions during this recess. And apparently the House didn't appoint conferees before they left.
I think that a president who takes vacations while ignoring warning signs of an impending al Qaeda strike on America, or stays on vacation while hurricanes ravage the Gulf region, or can't be bothered to cut his vacation short when a tsunami claims six-digit casualties... that president should probably should not throw stones when he has a glass vacation house.
[Y]ou repeatedly called the Democrats' approach to this, show trials. What then -- how would you describe the way the Iranians are treating the British soldiers, sailors, who have been taken?
Look, Tony Blair has made his comments and we strongly stand behind him. We believe that Iran should make the decision to immediately and unconditionally release the 15 British soldiers that are being held there in Iran. We believe, as Tony Blair has said, that the British soldiers were in Iraqi waters and that they need to be returned immediately -- not only the soldiers be returned, but their -- the British equipment, as well.
Just because WE go around kidnapping Iranians is no excuse for them to do it to us or our friends!
Do you have a response then to the specific -- to the stage management of this, where you're now seeing confessions from -- or alleged confessions from British sailors on television; they've been shown blindfolded, captive --
Well, it's certainly a concern, and we share the very serious concerns of the -- that the British have commented on, and the United Nations now has made a statement, as well. And I think that anybody looking at those British soldiers who are asked to make those statements, I can't imagine what their families are going through. It must be very hard for them.
It is an outrage! It is totally against the very quaint Geneva Conventions that they do that!
And the confessions -- they were coerced by torture!
Which usually doesn't happen! Because torture is very effective, except that we don't torture!
But if we did, it would help bring out the truth!
Except when the Iranians do it!
Are we closer right now to an armed confrontation, armed conflict at all because of what's happened?
There's no indication of that, no. I believe that we -- everyone believes that it can be solved diplomatically.
We were getting ready to blast the living shit out of them anyway, so no, not any closer. About the same, really.
Are these sailors and Marines hostages?
I believe that's how Tony Blair has referred to them, yes.
I have a secret plan to rescue the hostages, and I think it will work. Here's what we do. Go to Ronald Reagan's grave. Dig that son of a bitch up and re-inaugurate his corpse. Then, the Iranians will release the hostages! Bonus side-effect: Ronald Reagan's corpse would be a better president than what we have now!
I just want to clarify what you said at the beginning about the President being surprised that Congress went on vacation. And I think you may have answered this before, but I just want to make sure I got it for the record. Why not call them back?
I think -- I think that would be quite a dramatic step. I think that this is -- if the Congress -- Well, I'm not -- I'm not going to rule it in or out as we go along the way, but there's been no -- I haven't heard any discussion of that outside of this room. But what we do believe is that if the members are serious, as they say they are, that they want to support the troops, and they want to fully fund the troops, then they have an opportunity to do so.
Hey, if you're serious that you want to support the troops, and that you want to fully fund the troops, then you have an opportunity to do so as well. Just pass the following message along to your boss.
DON'T. VETO. THE. MOTHERFUCKING. BILL. THAT. SUPPORTS. THE. TROOPS. AND. FULLY. FUNDS. THEM. YOU. GODDAMNED. PRICK.