We all know Senator Kerry is a champion debater. There was no serious argument over who won all three presidential debates in '04. Kerry had been president of the Yale Political Union, that university's debate club, bested Bill Weld in eight debates in 1996 (which have become "the stuff of Massachusetts legend"), and of course, there was last week's debate with Newt Gingrich about global climate change. All of this is well and good, but really -- every opponent I have named thus far is child's play compared to the extraordinary truthiness only Stephen Colbert is capable of dishing out. Yes, you heard that right -- the debate to end all debates was there for us all to behold last night, when John Kerry made his first appearance on The Colbert Report. I can assure you that this struggle did not disappoint.
Let's start with links to the video.
If you're betting on John Kerry, watch the video on johnkerry.com.
For Stephen Colbert, go to Comedy Central.
After Colbert introduced his guest to enthusiastic cheers, he minced no words, and went immediately on the offensive:
SC: I've been gunning for you since 20 - 04
Stephen continued his attack by citing this video of the Senator giving a "never say never" answer for a presidential run, which was not quite in the vein of his immortal words, "How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake", shall we say. For the kill, Colbert put up a graphic of the words as a bumper sticker:
Could that change? It might. It may change over years. It may change over months. I can't tell you, but I've said very clearly I don't consider myself out of it forever. Kerry '08
Stop the presses, ladies and gentlemen. Stephen Colbert has accomplished what no other leader has ever done in a debate against John Kerry -- he has completely nailed him. The rest of the show will merely be a mop up . . . . oh wait -- suddenly, out of nowhere, Colbert found himself completely blindsided by a comeback of particular ferocity:
JK: That sounds like a recycled bumpersticker from '04.
Ahhh . . . the self deprecating tactic -- deadly to a comedian. Colbert, clearly stunned by Kerry's quick wit, found himself naked with the realization that he had come out of character and was laughing in spite of himself, at the Senator's joke. Recovering, he answered with the only weapon left in his arsenal -- a compliment, of course:
SC: Nice transition, sir.
Next, the discussion moves onto the book John Kerry wrote with his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry, This Moment on Earth.
SC: Where do you come down on the environment? Pro or con?
JK: Well, I was against it before I was for it.
Damn that liberal senator from Massachusetts, Colbert thought to himself. He just stole my next joke!! Okay, just stick with the issue at hand:
SC: I understand that. 'Cause there's a lot more environment than there is us. I mean, sometimes I feel surrounded.
Then, the Senator gave a brief explanation of why global climate change is an urgent matter, that everyone in Congress should understand that it is urgent, and that it needs to be dealt with in the next ten years or it will be too late. He also discussed toxins and protecting fisheries (ahem, something the senator has done a great deal for throughout his Senate career). Meanwhile, here were some of the questions and statements by Stephen Colbert, talking about the Newt Gingrich debate and global warming:
SC: I'm with Newt on this one. I'll acknowledge that global warming is real. I mean, the market decided that when Al Gore's movie made money.
...
SC: Why can't we just ride this one out until the next ice age?
Of course, it wouldn't be a real debate, if there wasn't a full out shoutfest about global warming, or something like that, without the shouting:
SC: But this will harm our economy. If we go off the carbon based fuels -- that's working for us. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
JK: You're wrong.
SC: I'm not wrong. And I'll say I'm right, and we can spend all night here . . .
JK: Well, I'd love to spend all night here . . .
SC: So would I. I've got nothing to do.
JK: You're wrong.
SC: I'm not running for president.
Ouch. Another jab at the senator. What will he do? Oh my God -- did John Kerry just say that?
JK: Well maybe you ought to be. I don't know . . .
LOUD CHEERS HEARD IN THE STUDIO
SC: Let's let the market decide.
JK: Well, you own your nation . . . I mean, you already have your own nation. Most people don't start out with their own nation.
Did I just hear the senator endorse STEPHEN COLBERT for president in 2008??!!!??? No way, can Colbert top that, since his arch enemy has just suggested he run for president. Besides, after that last exchange, Kerry ended strongly about how stopping global climate change can be a win/win for the economy, that companies can make more money, that there will be more American made technology, and it will all bring more jobs for our country. Colbert could only admit that he liked that idea.
So it was a great exchange. Oh, hold on -- I almost missed the fact that that sly devil, Colbert, just tossed in a parting shot just after he thanked Senator Kerry for coming on the show:
Good luck with the campaign.
Just as a footnote for any nervous nellies in Massachusetts, go to johnkerry.com right now: it says "John Kerry for U.S. Senate". And check out the video here., for all the laughter I edited out from the good Senator. Not to mention the most FABULOUS debate with Newt Gingrich two videos below Colbert.