My heart breaks for Cho's family. I can never know what utter agony they are going through. My pain is a drop in the ocean compared to their suffering. But the majority of you will never know what it is like to have a child labled as "different" or "weird."
My 14 year old son has always been an outcast. I can easily count on one hand the number of birthday parties he has been invited to in his life. He is shy and socially awkward, yet he has tried countless times to reach out and make friends. Our next door neighbors also have a 14 year old son. My son considers this boy to be his best friend and he would throw himself in front of a moving train to save this "best friend." Last year our neighbors had a huge theme party for their son. My boy wasn't invited. I asked why. They said their son's friends did not like my son.
I have changed schools three times. I have home schooled him. I have provided private tutors, and I have celebrated every interest he has. He sees a psychiatrist regularly. He has talked of suicide. He has been in love with one girl his entire eighth grade year. She seems to be a nice girl and I have never seen her ridiciule him like some of the other students. She just looks away when he says hello.
But once, she smiled at him and mumbled something he took as, "How's it going?" It made his month. He stayed up late that night making her a gemstone necklace. I asked a few days later how it went. Did she like the necklace? He just shook his head. I found it in his pocket when I was doing laundry. It was all in pieces. Often, when he's sad or depressed, he takes things apart. His room is a graveyard of broken projects.
Next year my sweet boy goes to High School. I lay awake at night in fear...
There are tens of thousands of children like my son. When I heard about this heart-stopping tragedy in Virginia, I grieved and prayed for the victims. I cried for Cho's family and their utter anguish. And I feared for all the outcast boys in this cold, me-first country.
The answer is not for every college student to carry a gun. The answer is for every student - college, high school, jr. high, elementary - to carry a little compassion for the "different kids." I don't know if this would have saved Cho, but I do know it might save my son.
Update: Thank you to everyone in the Kos community for your kindness. I have been a daily visitor for three years. This is my first diary. And because of your warm reception - it will not be my last. I look forward to communicating with you.
PS. In May I am going with my son to Washington DC. We live on the West Coast - this will be his first trip. He has never heard me use the word "hate." Often, when I am really pissed at the latest Bush scandal, he will ask, "So mom, do you hate Bush now." I tell him no. But this should be a very interesting trip. It was planned months ago - before we took back Congress.