People, can we stop with the FDA bashing already? There’s a perfectly good reason why the agency investigators haven’t had time to inspect the squillions of food and ingredient containers being imported from countries where health standards are only suggestions. They’ve been busy protecting us from something truly frightening – cherries. Or to be more accurate, cherry growers. We consumers may have been blissfully unaware of the dangers lurking in the produce aisle, not to mention tarts and pie fillings! But not the crackerjack team at the FDA. Not long ago, they sent stern warning letters to nearly thirty cherry growers, ordering them to stop making health claims on their websites or the agency would be forced to get a court order and/or seize their products.
Most of these growers are small, family-run operations in rural America, not exactly the type of outfit you might think of as a danger to your health. But this just shows how crafty those cherry growers are! And where did they come up with the wacky idea that cherries might have health benefits? Get this -- a number of respectable research teams have published results of clinical trials in esteemed peer-reviewed journals showing that tart cherries, known in the trade as Montmorencies, contain high levels of antioxidants, including anthocyanins, melatonin and more. According to these jokers, antioxidants counteract the damage done to our cells by rogue molecules known as free radicals. Of course, who hasn’t heard some food Nazi proclaiming that fruits, vegetables, nuts, tea, herbs and beans are excellent sources of disease-fighting antioxidants? Yeah, right! Like white bread, processed cheese food and curly fries have ever killed anyone.
But this time the cherry fanatics have gone too far. I mean, come on -- "anthocyanins"? Please. Clearly, that’s just a word that was made up to make cherries sound exotic. Second, the cherry pushers claim the "anthocyanins" in cherries and other brightly colored fruits and vegetables have been shown to reduce inflammation, and that plenty of chronic ailments – including heart disease, cancer and arthritis – have been linked to inflammation. Of course, all those diseases are linked to that enormously successful symbol of American enterprise known as Big Pharma. Imagine the horrendous consequences that would ensue if people started eating fresh, whole foods instead of the well-processed, salt- and fat-enriched fare that makes up the Standard American Diet (SAD)! They might not need the more than $250 billion in prescription medications consumed in this country every year, the ones that are enhancing water resources all over the country. Cherry growers, what were you thinking?? How can we have fish with three eyes and frogs sans genitalia if the waterways aren’t laced with tons of prescription drugs?
And here’s another nail for the cherry growers’ coffin. Every year, more than 100,000 people die after taking prescription drugs. Plus, thousands of other cases of serious side effects are linked to FDA-approved medications, like Vioxx, Meridia, Baycol and Celebrex. On the other hand, there are no statistics on cherries as a cause of death. And unlike pharmaceuticals, cherries don’t have one single interesting side effect. There’s no risk of accidental injury, sedation, dizziness, unusual dreams, leg pain, reduced blood flow to hands and feet, confusion, hallucinations, decreased libido, unpleasant taste and/or flatulence. Heck, cherries don’t even come with a flyer in type too small for the naked human eye to read! Clearly, the dangers of taking prescription medications are just part of the thrill of modern life, a way to get that little frisson of fear we all crave. Cherry growers, why would you deprive us of our simple pleasures?
There’s another disturbing aspect to this tawdry incident. Much of the solid scientific information these out-of-control growers "cherry-picked" for use in their propaganda was funded by the federal government using taxpayer dollars. Subversive as they are, the cherry nuts decided it was important to let the American people know about these studies– since they paid for them. What madness!! As you can see, these depraved farmers will stop at nothing! No wonder the FDA is all over the cherry growers. Clearly these people have no shame!
Now if these scofflaw cherry growers want to tell people fruit is healthy, they should follow the FDA’s instructions and file a "New Drug Application." For each health claim the growers want to make, they need to finance an investigation that would approve cherries’ status as a drug ($50,000), followed by a toxicity study (about $200,000), and research showing that cherries actually do what growers claim they do ($3 million plus). When the research is complete – in, say, six to ten years, maybe longer -- the archival copy (FDA form 2626) goes in a blue folder. Then the review copy is divided in to six sections. The data on "Chemistry, manufacturing and controls" (FDA form 2626a) requires a red folder. The yellow folder is for "Non-clinical pharmacology and toxicology" information (FDA 2626b). To submit "Human Pharmacokinetics and Bioavailability" data they would use an orange folder and FDA form 2626c. Microbiology (2626d) gets a white folder, clinical data goes in form 2626e and gets a light-brown folder and statistics belong in 2626f and the green folder. Now what could be simpler than that?
The bottom line here is that if cherry growers want to sell more fruit, they have to realize that Americans don’t buy food because it’s healthy. If that was the case, why would the USDA cut back on mad-cow testing by more than 90 percent or allow chickens destined for our dinner tables to be fed arsenic? Now clearly Americans are not raising a fuss about lethal beef or poisonous poultry. So, growers, if you want us to buy your fruit, get your act together and offer us something more tantalizing than "good health."
Meanwhile, here’s my prediction: Since the experts have declared pork, chicken and fish tainted with melamine to be safe, it won’t be long before someone makes the remarkable discovery that scrap plastic and leftover swimming pool chemicals are actually nutritional pluses for consumers. I mean, who couldn’t use a little more cheap protein in their diet? So look for "Now with Melamine!" labels, coming soon to a store near all of us.