I know that you will all think that this is straight out of the Onion. Or just the tale of an eccentric Welshman living alongside notoriously eccentric Englishmen.
I mean, if I reported a story with this information you would think I was just another 9/11 nut:
The Fixated Threat Assessment Centre (FTAC) was quietly set up last year to identify individuals who pose a direct threat to VIPs...
...It was given sweeping powers to check more than 10,000 suspects' files ...
The team's psychiatrists and psychologists then have the power to order treatment - including forcibly detaining suspects in secure psychiatric units.
Honestly, it is true. Please don't ban me Kos, but this secret unit is now watching over us in the UK and Bush is bound to think it is a great idea for you lot as well.
What is it there for?
Well, I haven't been able to talk to anyone with inside Whitehall knowledge. I did, however, stop a chap in Pall Mall on the way to his office who seemed the sort of Ministry-type bloke who might know what was going on.
"'Ere, mate," I said, a bit Cockney like so he didn't immediately take me for one of those rebellious Welshmen "Is it true what I read in the Mail on Sunday that you lot have set up places where you could detain suspected terrorists without trial on suspicion of them being nuts, out of their minds, bonkers?"
"FTACS?" he responded.
"Watch it" I said, not liking Maryscott O'Connor replies when I have asked a simple question.
"No, No", he impatiently replied. "You mean Fixated Threat Assessment Centres."
"Yeah, them things. Secret places where Habeas Corpus can be suspended and people locked up indefinitely".
"Well sort of" he muttered shiftily. "Look, it's alright you chaps getting excited but we have all sorts of fixated people who pose a threat to others. We are in the middle of the War on Fixation, don't y'know. It doesn't have that much to do with terrorism. There are all sort of fixations, here and overseas. Like stalking Al Gore as if he was a rock star, for example."
"What about a fixation about the New York Yankees or Manchester United? I wouldn't mind all them locked up for a bit", I said.
"Exactly", he beamed. "Now you are understanding it. It is not just Lefties that we are after. There are all those who have a fixation on Anne Coulter and a whole bunch in the States that are besotted with pooties. They are all targets for our Fixation Surveillance Teams".
"Yeah, but is it fair? I mean what them in the States would call Constitutional? After all...." but he cut me off sharply.
"Look", he said "You seem a bit fixated about all of this. Would you like to pop along to my office with me and discuss it in more depth?"
I declined. Hastily but politely.
Hey, I know it is a bit Pythonesque but if a Conservative tabloid like the Mail on Sunday can get excited about it, so should you. It really could come your way - soon:
Mind you, I think the sign outside the White House doesn't mean that it is where assessments take place. It is the centre where inmates are kept after they fail the tests.
Clearly Bush and Cheney have fixations - there are just too many to list.