but words will break my heart.
I'm prompted to write this diary for a couple of reasons. The first is that in my first DV diary, this subject came up and a few people expressed a desire for further discussion about this particular form of abuse. The second is (kinda sorta indirectly) Cindy Sheehan and her "resignation" from the peace movement, reportedly as the result of verbal abuse she received at Democratic Underground. There was some discussion of it in this diary, and that's what brought me back around to this subject.
For the sake of simplicity, I'm going to use the term "emotional abuse" to refer to both emotional and psychological abuse -- it's a pretty fine line between the two anyway, in my opinion.
All verbal abuse is emotional abuse, but not all emotional abuse is verbal. All forms of abuse, including physical and sexual abuse, are also emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse can happen to anyone. Women can emotionally abuse men and other women, parents of both sexes can emotionally abuse children. For the purposes of this diary, however, I'm going to refer to abusers and their partners, and (simply because the majority of abusers are men) I'm going to refer to abusers as "him" and victims as "her".
Characteristics of Emotional Abuse
There are a lot of sources out there on the Intertubes about emotional abuse, and a lot of different lists of what constitutes emotionally abusive behavior. The following is my own list, cribbed from a variety of sources, of the most common charactistics of emotional abuse.
- Controlling behavior -- abuse is fundamentally about power and control, after all. This can take a number of forms, including but not limited to:
- Isolation. The abuser cuts his partner off from her family, friends, church, or other support system(s) and makes her solely reliant on him for everything -- shelter, food, emotional "support", etc.
- Jealousy. The abuser accuses his partner of having other sexual partners, keeps a close watch on all of her activities, forces her to account for every moment of her time when it's not spent in his presence.
- Controlling the family finances, insisting on paying the bills, keeping the checkbook and credit cards. If the woman is permitted to have a job, she is often forced to turn her paycheck over to the abuser. She may be given an allowance for household needs, or she may be forced to ask for money whenever she needs it.
- Making all other household decisions, up to and including where the family will live; this can include accepting jobs/transfers and deciding to move the family to a new city without consulting his partner. Decisions are made and presented to the woman as fait accompli.
- Criticism and put-downs. He criticizes her looks, the way she dresses, tells her that she's stupid, that she's ugly, that she talks funny, that she's a bimbo. He tells her that she's lucky to have him because no one else could possibly love her. In some cases, the victim is degraded and put down in public. He denies her any sense of value as a human being.
- Rigid expectations and inflexibility; absolute refusal to compromise. It's the abuser's way or the highway. His needs are not only paramount; they are the only needs that he will even acknowledge.
- Withdrawal. A common cycle of emotional abuse consists of the abuser attacking his partner, and then withdrawing and refusing all communication for some period of time, detaching and denying any form of care or support for his partner.
- Intimidation and terrorizing; threatening physical violence; threatening to 'take the children and disappear'; threatening to put the woman out on the street, etc.
- Refusing to accept responsibility for his abuse and blaming the victim. The abuser insults, criticizes, or intimidates his partner, and when she gets upset he tells her that he's not responsible for her feelings, that she's overly sensitive, that she needs to 'grow up and get over it'. If she tries to talk about the couple's problems, she's told that she's a nag. The problem isn't his behavior, it's her perception.
Effects of Emotional Abuse on Adults
- Depression
- Chronic anxiety
- Forgetfulness, inability to concentrate
- Feelings of helplessness and entrapment
- Loss of self-confidence and belief that he/she can make it on their own
- Increased potential for drug and alcohol abuse
Characteristics of Emotional Abuse of Children
Source: www.americanhumane.org
In many ways kids are emotionally abused in the same way adults are, but there are also differences. Here is a short rundown of the characteristics of child emotional abuse:
- Ignoring. Being unresponsive to the child, not making eye contact or physical contact, not speaking to the child or using his name.
- Rejecting. Actively refusing to respond to a child's needs.
- Isolating. Preventing interaction with social peers, other family members, etc.
- Exploiting. Teaching or forcing a child into inappropriate or illegal activities.
- Verbally assaulting. Yelling, screaming, name-calling, threatening.
- Terrorizing. Bullying, creating an atmosphere of fear.
- Neglecting. Denying or ignoring things like the need for medical care, refusing to allow the child to attend school, etc.
Effects of Emotional Abuse on Children
- Failure to thrive in infants
- Anxiety, insecurity
- Destructive behavior, acting out
- Withdrawal, poor social skills
- Difficulty with relationships; inability to bond or trust
Do You Think You Might Be In an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?
Or do you think you know someone who might be? Take this test, and/or pass it along. Update: One commenter has some constructive criticism to offer about this quiz that I felt I should point out. Draw your own conclusions.
Recommended Reading
Heartless Bitches International has a section on their web site called The Manipulator Files. Every essay there is well worth the read, but the one I particularly recommend is this one on emotional abusers. It's written by someone who's BTDT rather than a therapist or other "expert", but I'm here to tell you that reading this essay, several years back, put me on the road to saving my sanity and quite possibly my life. I want you to go read it for yourself, but I'm also going to post an excerpt (it's a long essay):
People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person's "issues" are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices. A man can choose to be abusive or choose to be non-abusive; he can choose to be honest and straightforward, or passive-aggressive and covert, and no matter how hard a man tries to blame his partner, there is no justification for abuse.
...snip...
If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.
...snip...
It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of openness that we can acheive true intimacy with another individual. And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent. Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.
Let me say it again, because it's important. People who are capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, don't want to hurt you, and do not deliberately do things to hurt you.
Seems simple, doesn't it? Well, it is simple, but the journey I had to take to reach the point where I could fully grasp it, in all its simplicity, and realize that the only solution to my "rocky relationship" with the "brilliant but difficult" man I loved was to get out of it, was long and agonizing; and the journey I had to take afterward, back to some kind of sense of being safe and whole, was even longer and more difficult. And to this day, the only way I can feel safe and whole is if I trust no one but myself. I'll never, for the rest of my life, be able to go back to being the person I was before my "brilliant but difficult" partner nearly destroyed me -- without ever lifting a hand.
More Links
http://eqi.org/...
http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/...
http://endabuse.org/
http://organizations.rockbridge.net/...
Cyberbullying
This is a bit of a digression, but I think it's important and I think it needs to be said, so I'm going to say it.
A whole new arena of verbal/emotional abuse has materialized out of the vapor that is the Internet, an arena that transcends intimate partnerships and family relationships. Flame wars, cyberstalking... it's astounding when you stop and think about the things some people are "brave" enough to say from behind their nice, safe, anonymous keyboard that they would never dream of saying to someone in person. How many of the people who have no problem at all calling Cindy Sheehan an attention whore online would have the stones to say that to her face? Not many, I'd suspect.
I've long since lost count of the number of times I've put on my hall monitor badge and gone after someone who was bullying a third party, (not specifically on DailyKos, necessarily, but in general) only to be told that "This isn't real, it's just words on a screen. They aren't real people, they're just names and avatars. If you're going to play on the Internet, you have to have thick skin."
Bzzzzzzzt. Wrong.
There are real people behind the user IDs and the avatars. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not exempt from indulging in the occasional flame when provoked, or posting something snarky in response to someone who's doing something ridiculous (Reality Bias, anyone?). But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about something we've all seen, or been on the receiving end of, or maybe even done at some point in our online lives, and that's cold-bloodedly going for the jugular with words, with the express purpose of causing hurt, of demeaning another person, of diminishing their sense of self-worth. My own personal experience with this (again, not here) has included:
- Being called a goatfucker and a sea cow, among other equally delightful names, not once but many times.
- Being told that I was a "tragically unmedicated", mentally ill "loon".
- Being threatened with sexual assault.
- Being threatened with physical harm: "I know where you live, and I'm going to come to your house, kick you down a flight of stairs, and break your fucking neck."
That, dear reader, was verbal and emotional abuse. It didn't matter, in the moment, that it was coming from a complete, or (in this case) a relative stranger. It was degrading, vicious, hurtful and, in the latter examples, downright frightening. Yes, I could get away from it relatively easily, and I did, but once the words have been read, they can't be unread. And that shit is not okay. Not ever.
So don't assume, when you're warming up your fingers and getting ready to flame someone to kingdom come, that what you say to them isn't real or doesn't matter. You have no idea what kind of effect your words may have, whether they'll be directed at someone who can easily shrug them off and dismiss you as an asshat, or whether they'll be directed at someone who's suffering from trauma, or depression, or who for some other reason simply does not have the ability to just let your words roll off of his or her back.
They're not "just words on a screen". They can have tremendous power. Behind every word is a thinking, feeling, real human being, and the people to whom the words are addressed are thinking, feeling, real human beings, too.