I was probably in fifth grade, when we had the obligatory reproductive lesson given by the school nurse. It was a girls only class, explaining the ovaries, the uterus and how babies are made. At that time, the only method of birth control that was allowed to be taught was abstinence. Although Griswold v Connecticut had made birth control legal for married couples, it wouldn't be until the next year, 1972, Einstadt v Baird allowed unmarried women access to birth control. It would be a year after that, in 1973, abortion would become legal under Roe v Wade.
It would be a few years that my mother decided it was time to get me the "Lifecycle" series of books. No, she didn't actually sit me down and discuss the birds and the bees, but gave me books to read. So I read them, and then asked questions. We discussed sex and of course, I received the classic, "you'll want to wait until you get married". It wasn't too long after that, while sitting on the steps, talking to my mother that I asked if I really had to wait until I got married.
When I look back on my conversations with my mother, I think about the options and resources that she had available to guide me. It was mid-70's, birth control had really just become legal for unmarried women. Her choices on what she was able to tell me were limited. So in response to my question she told me, "it's better to wait to have sex with someone you love and make sure you take precautions when you do".
Many, many years later, I began my conversations with my daughter. They started earlier and I took several approaches as she got older.
Scare tactics - this was done when she was about 8 or 9. We discussed sex, the generalities. I explained birth control and told her that it was available but wasn't always 100%. Then we sat and watched every show that was available showing women giving birth. That got a promise of not having sex until she was 40 from her. I knew that wouldn't last long though.
Clinical - age appropriate of course, but we discussed sex and what could result from it. I was lucky as a parent though, because the schools that she went to had comprehensive sex education classes. Her first one was in 5th grade, then again in middle school and then in her health class. They sent home outlines and permission slips each time, which I enthusiastically signed.
Reality based - there came a time when she was old enough that we could speak frankly. I was comfortable discussing sex with my daughter, though I'm sure she wasn't too comfortable discussing it with me. I took the opportunities to discuss the need for the pill AND using a condom during sex, since pregnancy wouldn't be the only risk. Not once did I tell her that she should wait until she was married, because, the chances were pretty good that she wouldn't.
It befuddles me then, to see parents who want to limit the type of information their children receive to become responsible adults. Those that want to take reproductive education out of the schools or think the only option that should be available is abstinence, are doing a disservice to our children. Their argument that it will reduce teen pregnancy is a smoke and mirror trick, when in fact, they're risking that rate to increase.
Many states still require parental permission for teenagers seeking prescription birth control. Teenagers are still uncomfortable walking into a store and buying condoms (okay, so are alot of adults). Many parents do not even want to broach to their children about abortion. After 30 years of having all this available and legal for us, many adults are still putting roadblocks in front of our children.
Our job as parents is not to control our childrens sexual and reproduction activities, but to raise them to be responsible adults and provide accurate information so when the time comes, they can fall back on that information.
So I look back on the conversations with my mother. It was because of these conversations that, even though I didn't wait till I was married to have sex, my only pregnancy was a planned one. I think my mother raised me well. I can only hope I did the same with my daughter.