I've taken to simply referring to Mike Gravel as Abe Simpson, the grandfather character from the infamous TV show, The Simpsons. I have an unhealthy obsession with the Simpsons, so the first time I saw Mike Gravel, I could immediately see him saying many of the things Abe Simpson says. For those of you who aren't all that familiar with the show, Abe Simpson is famous for being cranky, senile and saying bizarre outlandish things that no one really understands. I figured I'd take a break from the normal partisan-hackery around here and write a kinda/sorta fun diary. follow me...
I've compiled a list of quotes from both Mike Gravel and Abe Simpson. The thing is, I'm not telling you which is which, so you'll have to guess. I'll include an answer key at the bottom. Without further ado, I bring you the ultimate showdown of the cranky, senile old men: Mike Gravel vs. Abe Simpson!
- "Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot."
- on how to disperse protesters, "We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh ya. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones."
- "You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children."
- "If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!"
- When asked why he was receiving checks in the mail for no reason, "I figured because the democrats were in power again."
- "Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust."
- "I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into Duseldorf so I rode out the rest of the war posing as a German cabaret singer.[singing] Won't you come home Frantbrelda, won't you come home."
- "I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now!"
- "Anyway, about my washtub. I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball."
- In response to asking if a certain man could be president, "You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!"
- "The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it."
- "I didn't die in World War II just to be pushed around by some pill hoarding hussy. I'm gonna fight this thing!"
- "I’d have filibustered that sucker and stuck it up their nose with a pitchfork."
- "She said, well, they want you to throw a rock in the water. I said I‘ll do it. Because here, you throw a rock in the water, you see ripples. That‘s, of course, what a campaign is all about. You try to do something and they see ripples. Now, why people like you don‘t understand this, which is hilarious—this is a metaphor. This is a metaphor."
- "These kids came up from Southern California in their modest little vehicle. They had rocks in the trunk of the car. They had these twigs."
OK, so, you probably got them alright, there wasn't that much diversity. The first dozen are of Abe Simpson and the last 3 are of his non-cartoon clone, but c'mon, you have to admit, there is SOME similarity.