Good evening, I am Morty Middleaged Guy, political analyst for ABS News, yes that's ABS, absolute bullshit news, the only cable news station left in America. Our motto is, " If it is absolute bullshit, you hear it here," and " News competition: it makes you think too much."
Tonight, we have assembled a distinguished panel of experts to determine just why the Democratic party just wouldn't push for impeachment in 2007. We weren't able to have any Democratic spokes persons on tonight since as we all know they are all in jail along with many Americans, relocated to homeland prisons in the toxic zone. The glorious patriotic coup of 2008 saving the American people from themselves allowed that. Thanks again Blackwater! Shit, turns out those global warming alarmists were right, don't worry we're in the "safe zone"
Morty: Before we begin, I have to remind viewers that this program obtained a certificate of limited free speech from the esteemed cloned commander Dick Cheney. Now let me introduce our panel members; Nicky Postradamus, occult expert from the University of Toronto, Willy Joe Nilly, former campaign manager for an undisclosed person we are not allowed to mention living in exile in Brazil, and Cassandra D Chorus, former contributor to D*### K**, naturally we can't mention the name, living at an undisclosed location.
Morty: So panel, why did the Democratic Party ultimately assent to the creation of our fabulous regieme.
Nicky: Well, Mort, there were credible reports that they were gradually replaced by a zombie army or a group of vampires trained by Blackwater to target dissenting Democratic Party members.
Willy Joe: We just did not have the votes Mort....
Morty: Um. Votes, what are those?
Cassandra: Oh come on, what fantastical bullshit, people wanted impeachment, they marched in the streets for it and got shot.
Willy Joe: Oh sure, a radical element did that, but we did not have the votes, I advised my candidate *(&^%$ to be reasonable, I still think we could work with this government, I promise to God we will be bipartisan if you let us back in, I can't even speak the damn language here...
Nicky: How do you explain the rise in deaths from head injuries, clearly Blackwater labratories didn't just clone Cheney, they grew the zombie army...
Morty: In a way it just doesn't matter, I'm grateful for what they did, by agreeing to suspend elections, they did a patriotic thing. Am I allowed to say that?
Cassandra: We begged them to push for impeachment, we told them if they agreed to suspend the election because of the rumours about underwear bombs this would happen. It was discussed.
Willy Joe: My candidate thought the underwear bombs were a credible possibility. My candidate received a full briefing, we believed in stressing prudence over bitterness.
Cassandra: Really, did you see any exploding thongs or boxers?
Nicky: I agree with Cassandra on this one, zombies and vampires don't wear
any kind of undergarments...
Cassandra: Zombies weren't responsible for this mess, you just can't comprehend that humans allowed democracy to slip away so easily so you insulate yourself with mythological garbage.
Mort: Cassandra, I must caution you against using such terms.. we don't discuss the D word here... It isn't healthy or patriotic.. afterall our enemies in China have such a system and look where it has led them... believe me the Red Peril is real..
Willy Joe: My candidate was very honourable, *()&^% would have worked with zombies and the great cloned Cheney...
Morty: Our system is so much more efficient we don't need any kind of health care or education when the average age at death is 42.. the money we have saved... well... my 12 year old wife sure knows how to handle a buck...
Cassandra: Okay, maybe there are zombies, the ones right here.
Nicky: There are counter rumours that freedom zombies threaten the administration of the great cloned Cheney....
Willy Joe: My candidate would work with them to. We believe in flexibility.
Morty: Thanks viewers, this brought to you by stimudent the miracle drug that allows you to work in factories 24 hours a day.... isn't it great to have factories again!!!