July 11 - 13, 1994
Here's what's happening. I'm working on my auto-biographical creation, which requires resurrection of the past. This is part of that. All is as it was then, except You Are There.
I had my sex reassignment surgery (SRS) scheduled for August 9, 1994. It was to be performed by Dr. Eugene Schrang (doesn't he look straight out of Dark Shadows?) at the Theda Clark Medical Center in Neenah, WI. Neenah is known, I'm sure among other things, for being the home of Kimberly Clark Corporation (yes, Theda was one of those Clarks), as a center for sex reassignment, and for where manhole covers come from.
I had noticed that most transwomen sort of "disappeared" during the months immediately before surgery, perhaps withdrawing inward as the surgery date approached. I decided that I would delay that "withdrawal point" as long as possible. There are 32 entries in the series (there was no entry for July 23). They are offered in the hope that someone somewhere will find them useful.
So I kept an online diary. There was this new Web thing after all, so I might as well see what use it could be put to. They were also posted to some email lists.
The technology has improved. So I am reformatting for this new-fangled blog thing, rather than that proto-blog. Some links will be added, as well as possibly, some commentary.
Twice a week makes more sense. Wednesdays and Sundays have been chosen for a start. Past editions are here.
Date: Monday, 11 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
Whew! Where do I begin? It's been a very full time since last I wrote you. I guess there are basically three things to write about, so I'll pick the easiest for me to write about and move on from there.
I am, for the first time in 21 years, a licensed driver. The reasons I didn't drive for so long, and then recently never got a license are pretty deeply rooted in some problems I hope I have overcome. The one common bond between those problems is fear. As a child, I was afraid of riding a bicycle, I think because when my father first put me on one, he sort believed in the sink or swim school. He took me out to the street in front of our house and gave me a push downhill. The hill was not very long...one block...but the street was rather steep (10-15 degree angle) and not very well paved. I crashed. I gave up on bicycles.
When it came time to learn to drive, the fear of bicycles seemed to transfer to a fear of driving. I never had, nor did I want, a driver's license during high school. Eventually I got married and when we got a car, my ex did all the driving. During my time in the military, I became an MP and for the first time in my life learned to drive and became licensed...because I was forced to...because the option was being sent to becoma a combat soldier. After I got out of the military, I was still allowed to drive on the military license for a period of time, but I found that driving on a freeway scared me to death. Worse yet, I had feelings similar to those I get when standing at a high place...I might as well crash/jump since I'm going to crash/fall anyway. It was best for me not to drive with those feelings, I figured. A year and a half ago, I found it necessary to drive. So I did. I found that I enjoyed driving, but I never did get around to getting a license (fear of failing?). Today, I passed the driving test and am now a licensed driver. Now if I only had a car...
The bail-bondsman that I used to bail my ex out of jail last September called me today. He's been trying to get in touch with me for about a week. He told me that on July 28th, there is a hearing where he must either fork over the money I paid him or fork over my ex. He said that if she is there, I will get some of my money back. He says he is prepared to go get her. I told him she lived in Memphis, but that I didn't know where, and that I knew she worked at a restaurant, but I didn't know which one. I threw her phone number away long ago. I wonder what will happen.
Last night April and I had a lengthy and serious discussion about our relationship. I know that things are going to be different now and I hope they will be better. I know that I already feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, a weight I wasn't even sure was there. I think she feels the same way. May each of us have the happiness and contentment we deserve, both together and apart.
[In the interests of privacy, the author is not going to go into details here]
I do understand April's feelings of being at a party but feeling invisible. I think that is an apt description of the first 43 years of my life...at least the years between 11 and 43. I know it feels awful. Can a non-transsexual person ever understand what it is like to be transsexual? Or is it that I just don't know how to express what it's like? There has always been a fine line to tread between "trying to help friends understand" and "that's all you ever talk about." I'm never sure where that line is. But as far as I am concerned, April is welcome to come to the party as an honorary transwoman. :-)
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Tuesday, 12 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
Hmmmm...it's been sort of a "this and that time" since I last wrote you.
I think I have found someone to take my non-functional car off my hands. I should be rid of it on Saturday. I'm sure my landlady will be pleased since she is planning on installing a semi-circular driveway that runs through the place it now occupies.
We had to cancel the dental appointment to get my crown installed. I seem to have maxed out my dental insurance for the year, so any further dental work will have to wait for January. The limit is only $1000, one of the dubious "joys" to being involved in group insurance.
On another insurance front, I got my cards from the new HMO today. When I asked the personnel woman about my application for a gynecologist, she called and said it was approved. I guess I won't have to be bothering my post-op friends for letters from their gynes explaining why a post-op MtF might want or need a gynecologist after all.
Alicyn called last night and we talked for about an hour or so. She has been really in the dumps. I hope I managed to cheer her up somewhat. RLT (Real Life Test) without hormones or electrolysis can be such a bitch. Being in a foreign country, far away from your friends (even those that live in this country) probably doesn't help either. I think when she finally gets on the road for her bus tour of the US, and starts getting to spend some time with her friends, she'll start feeling better. At least I hope she does.
I got a card in the mail from Erin. She wrote a nice letter about her most recent week, which was interesting but left me scratching my had. I almost missed the significance of the card, what with people coming to see the car and Alicyn calling, but I finally did. The front of the card shows a portion of a mural called "The Birth." The part it shows includes a depiction of Ix Chel, Mayan goddess of birth [I could not find the actual mural online, so the piece at the link will have to suffice--ed]. I guess this is a birth process I am going through. I conceived of my new life a couple of years ago and the transition is the gestation period. It is a long, difficult and painful gestation that leads to a difficult labor. The difference between this and my first birth is that I am aware of this one and have some control over what transpires. It's an interesting comparison. Then again, I also like the image of me as a phoenix, rising from the ashes of my former existence, while several of my friends seem to prefer the image of a butterfly, emerging from it's cocoon.
Whatever...I like Erin's viewpoint, too. Maybe I can fit into my book..."Mine was a long and painful delivery...taking 46 years and 4 months to be exact." Hmmm...maybe not.
I had one of those awful "teacher dreams" last night. I forgot to show up to give two of my exams. I got fired. :-( All in all, not a nice dream.
Today I ramp down another notch on the hormone level, to 1mg a day of estrace for the next week. I'm staying on the 200mg of spiro a day, so as not to have a testosterone surge if I can help it. I'll go off the spiro about a week to 4 days before surgery. I hope this ramp down won't signal another eating binge...I've gained 5 pounds in the last week.
Love and Peace,
A Content Robyn
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Date: Wednesday, 13 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
Well, I gave it my best shot.
Today was bank day (although I have to go back on Friday to finish up). So, I got myself dressed up as business-like as I am able and since it was raining, got Pam to give me a ride downtown to my bank.
I had decided to see if I could get a personal loan based on the fact that I was a customer in good standing and that I already had enough money in their bank to pay for the surgery.
So, I filled out the form, showing that I had $5900 in a checking account and a Certificate of Deposit worth $2900 which matures on August 3rd, as well as about $1500 in household goods (I also have $1500 in credit from my AT&T Universal card). I also listed the facts that I have ridiculously few bills that occur on a monthly basis, a total of about $750 out of an income of $2800 per month. I confidently entered the office of the loan officer and discovered that none of it counted for anything. He asked what I wished to borrow and I said $5000 (my reasoning was that I could then pay for the surgery and still have money to live on over the next 2.5 months). He said that they couldn't make an unsecured loan to me, so that the limit that I could borrow was $2900, the value of the CD. I questioned him about that, saying that friends had told me that they had obtained unsecured loans from that bank, and was told that they only did that with good customers with a good credit history. I have been with this bank for 10 years, and the last two years have an average balance in the thousands of dollars, so I consider myself a good customer with the bank. He told me I have no credit history. I explained to him that I had borrowed money from this bank before and paid it back and asked if this perhaps demonstrated a good credit history. He said "That was Robert." So, the point is, I guess, that I am a brand new person creditwise, and the only things they even considered as far as credit history were my JCPenny account (which never reached more that $110 of debt) and my AT&T Universal card (which I have used exactly once...to make a $29 phone call). And, he said, I had been overdue on my JCPenny card 4 times. If I was ever overdue, it was only because I only get paid once a month, and I've always paid my JCPenny bill at the end of the month if there was something on it. I got pretty damned pissed at this guy.
I got more pissed when he stepped outside to talk with someone else about my CD and referred to me as "him" and "he." The state of Arkansas considers me a woman. I wonder when the people of Conway will accept that.
So, anyway, I am going to be loaning myself the value of my CD, and paying the bank for the priviledge. I get the money on Friday, and then get the cashier's checks made out to send to the doctor and the hospital. Adding in the two personal checks I have ready for deposit, worth $250 total, I'll have $570 left. I think I get a little money at the end of the month from school, but not more than a few hundred dollars, which will undoubtedly have to go for payment of a graft, if one is needed.
Well, I guess I'm not any worse off than I was yesterday. I didn't really expect that I would get the loan a few days ago. But I had psyched myself up into a positive attitude, so it was a bit of a letdown.
Tomorrow, I meet my new physician. Since I have decided to stay on spiro until a few days before the surgery, I need a new scrip for that. I also need a scrip for post-surgery. I hope the new doctor is nice.
Love and Peace,
Robyn