WASHINGTON, DC – A White House staffer was the subject of a minor incident at a local supermarket on Friday after his assertion of executive privilege at a check-out counter led to a temporary impasse.
According to eye-witnesses, the staffer, a senior justice department aide, was beginning his check-out at the register when he was confronted with the question "paper or plastic?"
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The question drew a blank stare for more than a minute, prompting the cashier to repeat the question, this time more slowly. At that point, according to witnesses, the staffer grew agitated and began a long rambling response.
After a few minutes, his response resolved into a repeated statement that he was unable to answer the question, and that he would have to assert "executive privilege."
"I thought he was joking," said cashier David Lee, 23. "I ask about what type of bag he wants, like I normally would, and he starts babbling about how the chips and soda he was buying were for official national security business, and that he was ‘not at liberty’ to disclose the White House’s paper or plastic policy."
Other bystanders reported that the aide made references to the National Paper Trade Association (NPTA) and the Film and Bag Federation, denying direct knowledge of a "multi-round competitive bidding process run through the RNC to set White House ‘Paper or Plastic’ Policy."
He also is said to have "nervously denied" any recollection of having selected the pretzels that were among the snack-food items in his cart.
As the spectacle continued to unfold, store patrons behind the aide in line began to protest, prompting the aide to become abusive.
According to the shopper directly behind the aide in line, Hubert Nesmith, 61, of Silver Spring, Maryland, "He began ranting about a political witch hunt and shouting something about Al Qaeda – which is when I just went to the other line."
It was at that point that the cashier took action. "I called Lisa, the store manager, who got security to throw him out of the store," Mr. Lee explained.
Lawsuit Pending
In the parking lot, other witnesses report that the aide apparently protested his "rough handling" and vowed to file a lawsuit. In a security camera feed shared with reporters, the aide protested that, "as a magnet-cum-loud" graduate of the Christ-Our-Lord School of Law and Home Economics he would "have vengeance."
The aide added, "I know a lot about lawsuits – I practically ran the tort-reform lobby." Background checks confirmed that the aide (whose name is being withheld at the request of our publisher, pending conclusion of an emergency consultation with White House political aides at a local country club), formerly held a senior role, with a 7-figure annual salary, at a law firm specializing in tort-reform lobbying, and the structuring of multi-layered subcontracting arrangements for domestic firms that were both interested in Iraqi reconstruction, and met federal contracting guidelines (i.e., shared the President’s vision for a free and democratic Iraq).
No Official White House Response
The White House declined comment on the incident, though a senior official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed that all store employees and witnesses were now under investigation by the FBI, and had been added to the Department of Homeland Security’s "no-fly" list.
The source also confirmed that the aide, whom he referred to as "the victim," was under consideration for a Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Cashier Defends Actions
At the end of his shift, the cashier faced intense questioning from two dozen reporters as to whether his actions were politically motivated. After several half-denials, Mr. Lee, confused reporters by pointing out that there was a "50%-off sale" on hair gel in aisle 7.
Finally called to account for his earlier behavior a few minutes later, by the two remaining reporters, Lee was unapologetic.
"What – do you think we’re going to let some half-witted jackass waste our time, obstruct our business, treat us like dirt – and that we’d just sit around slack-jawed like a bunch of wilting pansies?"
"You think we’re a bunch of Democratic legislators or something?"