July 22 - 25, 1994
Here's what's happening. I'm working on my auto-biographical creation, which requires resurrection of the past. This is part of that. All is as it was then, except You Are There.
I had my sex reassignment surgery (SRS) scheduled for August 9, 1994. It was to be performed by Dr. Eugene Schrang (doesn't he look straight out of Dark Shadows?) at the Theda Clark Medical Center in Neenah, WI. Neenah is known, I'm sure among other things, for being the home of Kimberly Clark Corporation (yes, Theda was one of those Clarks), as a center for sex reassignment, and for where manhole covers come from.
I had noticed that most transwomen sort of "disappeared" during the months immediately before surgery, perhaps withdrawing inward as the surgery date approached. I decided that I would delay that "withdrawal point" as long as possible. There are 32 entries in the series (there was no entry for July 23). They are offered in the hope that someone somewhere will find them useful.
So I kept an online diary. There was this new Web thing after all, so I might as well see what use it could be put to. They were also posted to some email lists.
The technology has improved. So I am reformatting for this new-fangled blog thing, rather than that proto-blog. Some links will be added, as well as possibly, some commentary.
Twice a week makes more sense. Wednesdays and Sundays were chosen for a start, but the Wednesdays have to become Thursdays starting this week. Past editions are here.
Date: Friday, 22 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
It was a very bittersweet evening: sweet, because the play was so good....bitter, well, I'll get to that. I spent the day mostly lounging, playing mah jongg on the computer, waiting for time to get ready, thinking about the evening to come. About 2pm, I went home to get ready and discovered that the Mileage Plus coupons from April had arrived as well as a copy of Dr. Ron's letter to Schrang. So I guess I'm all set except for picking up the tickets.
I took a long hot bath and leisurely prepared for the evening. I wanted to look my best, so I chose my black flowered print skirt and the red blouse. For some reason I get more compliments in black and red, so I guess I must look nicer in that. :-) I fixed my hair and made sure I was immaculately attired and then walked back to school around 5:15. I waited to do my make‑up until I got to school since the temp was in the 90s and I didn't want to melt.
Once at school, I was extra careful with my make‑up, wanting to look my best. You see, this is undoubtedly my last "public appearance" before my surgery. Outings like this are indeed public appearances for me since a lot of the townsfolk that attend haven't seen me in person, only heard about me, and they take the opportunity to ogle a bit.
I arrived at the play about 10 minutes early and picked up my ticket from will‑call. One nice thing about being "notorious" is that you do get good service a lot of the time. I didn't even have to tell them my name before they had given me my ticket and they never asked to look at my ID (faculty and students get in free). Similar things happen other places. I stopped going to Subway because some of the "gentlemen" that worked there would intentionally call me "sir." A while ago, noting that he didn't work there anymore, I starting going back there for lunch occasionally, almost always ordering a round tuna sandwich since I was trying to watch my cholesterol because Dr. Ron told me I had hypercholesterolemia (probably genetic hyperlipidemia, in his words...you know doctors). As I kept going there, the size of my tuna sandwiches grew and grew, until now the only thing I don't get twice the normal amount of is the roll. When I go to the student union and get onion rings (not very often because of the cholesterol problem), I get about 1.5 times the normal amount of rings. It's strange but it happens.
Now for the evening:
First, the sweet: Sweet Charity is my favorite movie of all time and when I heard the University and Community Arts were doing the play this summer, I knew I would be one of the first to get a ticket. I did: 5th row center, where I normally sit. The production wasn't perfect to someone who has seen the movie about 15‑20 times. Having also read the play, I knew most of the words by heart, and new all of the songs. This was a plus, as the orchestra tended to drown out some of the singers. The woman playing Charity had the most problems with this. She was otherwise very good though. Mike (who I have had as a student three times and see every day in the AV room) was excellent as Vittorio Vidal and also had to fill in with the chorus because someone got ill. Liz Parker (Dave's wife...you know Dave, the head of AV who is always asking me questions about being transsexual) was excellent as Helene...she always does a superb job). Another of my ex‑students, Chris, was in the play, mostly in the chorus, but he is so short, he really stands out, and in this case it was played to good effect. The casting was nearly perfect. The dance numbers were lacking, but I chalked that up to the local nature of the production. All in all I thought the play was wonderful.
Spread the religion of The Rhythm Of Life.
And The Rhythm Of Life is a powerful beat,
Puts a tingle in your fingers and a tingle in your feet,
Rhythm in your bedroom,
Rhythm in the street,
Yes, The Rhythm Of Life is a powerful beat,
To feel The Rhythm Of Life,
To feel the powerful beat,
To feel the tingle in your fingers,
To feel the tingle in your feet
But there was also the bitter: I went to the play alone, mostly because I couldn't find anyone else who was going to see it. Of the 6 plays I have been to since I came out on campus, I went to 3 with someone and 3 alone. The "alone" ones tend to be a little bit more of a pain. Normally, for instance, there are a couple of seats on one side of me or the other that are empty, while the rest of the theater is full. I try not to think about that too much. Tonight I did have an older gentleman and his wife on one side of me...they didn't even respond when I said hello. I can stand that...I'm there to watch the play after all. At intermission I went out in the lobby to stretch my legs a bit as usual. I saw several people that I knew and hoped would come over and chat, but mostly they turned away to talk with other people. A few other faculty members walked right in front of me, so I said hello. No response. This is what I mean when I say I am a social pariah here. One woman from the remedial math faculty did come out to say hello and introduce her daughter to me, but then her husband walked by without saying a word and took her by the arm to the other side of the lobby. The technical director of the play did come over and ask me how it looked from the audience perspective, but by then it was time to return for Act II.
When the play was over, it was pretty much the same thing. I wanted to congratulate my friends in the cast, so I was hanging around in the lobby and more people I knew walked by without saying hello. One woman from the history department I chat with almost daily. But in the company of the husband, there wasn't a peep.
I'm glad I hung around though...several of the cast members thanked me for coming and I told them how well I thought they had done.
Sometime between now and the next play I attend on campus, there is supposed to be some miraculous change in the behavior of these people I live among, according to what some of them have told me. "Things will get better after you have the surgery." It's not going to happen. "It'll just take some time." It's been two years. It's getting to be time for me to move on.
Too many tomorrows
Around this haunted place.
If I set you free what's left for me,
Too many tomorrows
I simply cannot face.
Love and Peace, with a touch of Sadness,
Robyn
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There was no entry for Saturday, July 23. I probably spent the day moping.
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Date: Sunday, 24 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
I've been totally off hormones for 4 days now, though I am staying on spironolactone for another 10 days or so. As I cut down, I experienced a huge upswing in my appetite, to the point that a couple of times I was afraid I would eat everything in the apartment. Accompanying this have been alternating bouts of constipation and diarrhea, and a net weight gain of 7 pounds.
Emotionally, I have not seen any difference in my behavior. I don't seem moodier than usually, nor cranky. I do seem to have an elevated need for sleep, but I think that's mostly because it is vacation time and what I normally do when I am on vacation. Slowly my body converts back to it's normal "night person" state (I generally pay for this once the vacation is over). What I mostly feel emotionally is an incredible state of tranquility.
Two weeks from right now, I'll be arriving in Appleton. I've been asked if I am examining my decision to have the surgery. Truth is that I don't anymore. After questioning that for nearly 3 years, I don't think anything is going to be discovered now. Is it right for me? Yes, because it feels right now and I refuse to have any regrets afterwards. Is it alone going to make me happy? Not in ways easily explained, but yes, in some ways. I'm happy now, except with the place I live. Coming out of my shell did that for me.
Having the surgery signals the end of one adventure, in a way, and a start of the next. I look forward to it.
Love,
Robyn
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Date: Monday, 25 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
I spent much of yesterday afternoon and evening making, or trying to make, phone calls. I called Joan (my aunt) to give her the exact address of the hospital but she wasn't home, so I left the address on my answering machine. I called Jack and Viv (older brother and his wife [now ex-wife]--ed]) to tell them about the surgery, but they were in Hawaii visiting Viv's daughter. I called Jan and Alan (my sister and her husband) to tell them about the surgery, but they weren't home either. Joan did call back when I wasn't home with a message that she would call later in the week.
I also called Janet to see about borrowing her car to go to group Tuesday evening, but she was still at work the first time I called and when I did get in touch with her, she said that it wouldn't be possible since she has to be at school studying for her anatomy test on muscles. So I called Hallie and lined up a ride with her, although it means waiting for a few hours for group to start.
I also called Steve who provided me with a lift to the airport this morning to pick up the plane tickets, which went off without a hitch (I was a little afraid they might hassle me a bit because I was using someone else's Mileage Plus coupons), but when I told her that April and I were meeting in Wisconsin, there was no problem.
The ride to and from the airport with Steve and Sarah (Steve's daughter) was very pleasant, as it always is with them. On the way home we stopped at Walmart, where I filled my scrip for Estinyl while Sarah went looking for toys. :-) Then we had a pleasant lunch at Wendy's.
Steve and I talked about the reaction of the community here to me and he says that from his perspective, people are surprisingly accepting of me...that he often hears people saying nice things about me. When I pointed out that didn't mean that they necessarily spoke to me themselves, he said that he noticed that. I suppose if they did, things might be a bit different.
Except for the weather...a gloomy, rainy day here...it was a very pleasant day.
Love and Peace,
Robyn