From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Crisis At The White House---Tuesday, 9am
"Mr. President, you've got to hang tough! Any sign of weakness and the Defeatocrats will swarm like locusts---you'll be finished!"
"I know, Karl, I know. But, goddammit, it's all fallin' apart. Rummy lost my war. Cheney's a loose cannon. Condi's spendin' all her time on the golf course. Fredo's hangin' by a thread. Congress is betrayin' me left and right. Even m'base is startin' to hate m'guts. This... This ain't no fun no more, Karl, can't ya see? I just...I can't take it! I want out! Let m'Daddy take over! Please, Karl... Let m'Daddy take over... [Sniff!]"
"Get a hold of yourself, man! I didn’t break every law of human decency for twenty years on your behalf just so you could curl under your desk and sob your eyes out! I am your brain, so just trust me. Look, I brought someone into The Bubble to make you feel better..."
"Hello, Your Excellency, Sir."
"B... Billy? Billy Kristol, is it you??"
"Yes, Your Excellency. It's me."
"Why, the only sight I'd welcome more is Harry Reid hangin' over a barbeque spit. You here to buck me up, Billy?"
"Yes, Your Excellency. I'm gonna try."
"Gimme some 'o yer deep and thoughtful idee'rs that make me feel steely."
"Yes, sir. Here's one: 'It is insane for this country to be obsessing...about a small prisoner abuse scandal.' Or how about this: 'We're not in a civil war.' And here's one of your favorites: 'Very few wars in American history were prepared better or more thoroughly than this one by this president.'"
"Yeah! Goddam you're smart, Billy! You make me wanna party like it's 2003. Now, tell me mah favorite Billyism, Billy. And make sure you do it with that little sneer of condescension that drives the liberals crazy."
"You mean like this: 'There's a certain amount of pop sociology in America that the Shia can't get along with the Sunni and the Shia in Iraq just want to establish some kind of Islamic fundamentalist regime. There's almost no evidence of that at all. Iraq's always been very secular.'"
"Y'know, I'm feelin' better, Karl. Strong head. Strong heart. Ready to make more big deshishions."
"Very good, Mr. President. Thanks for pulling him back from the edge, Bill."
"Anything for the fatherland, Karl. You know that. And here's one more for you, Mr. President: 'George W. Bush's presidency will probably be a successful one.'"
[Sniff] "Thanks, Billy."
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Note: I have a gut feeling Michael Chertoff won’t be having gut feelings anymore.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til YearlyKos '07: 8
Days `til The Simpsons Movie: 2
Amount banks collected in fees from customers who overdrew on their accounts last year: $17.5 Billion
Increase in overdraft fees from 2004: +70%
(Source: USA Today via The Week)
Number of U.S.-run Iraqi reconstruction projects declared successfully "complete" that inspectors visited this year: 8
Number of those projects found to be non-functioning: 7
(Source: Harper's Index)
Average number of toilet paper squares used per day per person in America: 57
(Source: Charmin via Poop Culture)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 156 (including 1 impending blogger conference and 1 swarm of gay locusts). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Aaaaah! Dogzilla!!!"
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CHEERS to happy surprises. I tuned in to Monday's CNN/YouTube presidential debate thinking this time they've gone too far into Kitschville. If you don’t count the snowman question (these are presidential candidates, not student council nominees), America did a decent job grilling the Gang of 8, which responded in kind with an avalanche of enthusiasm and common sense. I gotta give the win to Mike Gravel for staring into the camera for sixty seconds, throwing Anderson Cooper into a pond and walking away. The symbolism was palpable.
CHEERS to hitting back. In a textbook example of how to tell the media to get bent, John Edwards unveiled a video Monday night that takes dead-aim at the nattering nabobs' obsession with his haircut by showing various dos in extreme close-up. I think I speak for everyone here when I say: thank God it wasn't a 400-dollar toejam removal.
JEERS to Alberto Gonzales. Y'know, it's not that he's a serial liar. It's not that he doesn’t defend the Constitution like he should. It's not that he thinks habeas corpus is a new pop-a-matic game from Milton Bradley. It's not that he does the president's bidding instead of the nation's. It's not that he hires and fires U.S. attorneys for political reasons. It's not that he condones torture. It's not that he thinks the Geneva Conventions are "quaint." It's not that he's nothing more than a crony stooge lackey. On second thought, yeah...it is.
JEERS to wishes and ponies. In the latest edition of TIME, Michael Duffy's dramatic cover story promises to tell us What will happen when we leave Iraq. That's the same Michael Duffy who penned this cover story seven months ago: The Iraq Study Group says it's time for an exit strategy. Why Bush will listen. [Sigh] Okay, Michael, I'll bite. What's the Big Plan?
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[A] clear-eyed, multifaceted policy.
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Translation: the unicorns will save us. I bet Duffy drives a Porsche.
CHEERS to mo money, mo money, mo money!! For the first time in a decade, the minimum wage skyrocketed yesterday from $5.15 to $5.85 an hour. And I know just what I'm going to buy with my windfall: a skylight for my cardboard box.
JEERS to bone-headed mistakes x 2. Monday morning, a news anchor on local station WMTW (Channel 8) got on the teevee and said that, during last week's overnight senate filibuster, Senator Susan Collins voted for a bill that would set a timeline for pulling our troops out of Iraq. Given that a timeline is favored by a huge number of Mainers, I bet viewers said to themselves, "Great Caesar's ghost! Collins has seen the light!" Only problem: Collins only voted for cloture (which failed), not the actual bill (which never came up for a vote because of the cloture thing). So I emailed the station, and got this reply from Managing Editor Erika Hammond:
Thank you for your feedback. Regrettably, one of our producers misunderstood Senator Collins [sic] vote(s) last week, which made it into this mornings [sic] script. I have spoken with the producer and explained the difference in Sen. Collins [sic] vote to end the filibuster [sic] and her subsequent vote against the troop deadline bill. I apologize for the error and thank you for calling it to our attention.
One small problem, Erika: there was no subsequent vote because they couldn’t break the Republican filibuster! (It was in all the papers.) By the way, Channel 8's motto is "Where the News Comes First." A basic understanding of how our government works appears to come dead last.
P.S. Yesterday morning the station---to their credit---aired a correction and got all the details right. Still, the score remains: WMTW 0 Dirty filthy hippie blogger 1.
CHEERS to compassionate conservatism. 15 years ago, President George H.W. Bush signed the Americans with Disabilities Act. He didn't want anything to stand between his son and the White House.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man.
Kos cries out: "Are we contrarians or visionaries?"
Sometimes.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers...
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to Tammy Faye Messner. Sure, she and her husband used religious fervor to bilk thousands out of millions back in the day. But she atoned and went on to be a soft-hearted champion of diversity and compassion. The crazy 'ol broad will be missed. As a tribute, cosmetics companies across the country will lower their flags to half-staff.
JEERS to moving the goalposts. GI Joe with the kung-fu grip's report (Shhh! It's classified!) says we get to stay in Iraq 'til 2009! The subhead that appeared on the front page of The New York Times yesterday said it all: The American command in Baghdad has prepared a detailed classified plan that calls for restoring security in local areas by the summer of 2008. Just like the plan that called for restoring security by the summer of 2003...and the plan that called for restoring security by the summer of 2004...and 2005...and 2006...and 2007. But I trust 'em this time. Because I figure, hey, if we keep doing the same thing over and over again, maybe we'll get a different result. [twitch twitch]
CHEERS to roots of evil. Some people say exercise is the best thing to clear your head. Some say yoga, others say pot, while a handful find peace by short-sheeting the beds at nursing homes. I say it's spending a lazy evening in the garden pulling weeds. Here's how we do it: 1) Grab the base of the little bastard. 2) Give it a gentle yet persistent tug and wait for that little "Rrrrrrip!" sound that lets you know you've eliminated a menace by the roots. 3) Hold it up and say, "To the compost pile with you, Senator McConnell. Collins...you're next!" 4) Acknowledge the spontaneous applause coming from the neighbor's yard.
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One Year Ago in C&J: July 25, 2006...
CHEERS to fitting into your college-era jeans again. Saddam Hussein is on a hunger strike, and apparently is in the "supermodel" stage of emaciation. Doctors say he's now dependent on a feeding tube supplying him with the nutrients in liquefied Doritos. After viewing a video of the deposed Iraqi dictator, Dr. Bill Frist pronounced him brain-dead. For once we agree.
JEERS to Day 14, same as Day 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. On the Israel/Lebanon border, mayhem and destruction continue as opposing sides go at it with brute force and merciless tenacity. Which reminds me...only 4 months `til the official start of the Christmas shopping season.
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And just one more...
JEERS to idle hands. Iraq's parliament takes off for a month of vacation one week from today. Cartoonist Mike Luckovich reveals a sample of the souvenirs they'll be sending to us in America. I guess they ran out of snow globes.
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Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Have you met Bill in Portland Maine? He was so inept and so inartful."
---Margaret Spellings
Secretary of Education
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