July 26 - 28, 1994
Here's what's happening. I'm working on my auto-biographical creation, which requires resurrection of the past. This is part of that. All is as it was then, except You Are There.
I had my sex reassignment surgery (SRS) scheduled for August 9, 1994. It was to be performed by Dr. Eugene Schrang (doesn't he look straight out of Dark Shadows?) at the Theda Clark Medical Center in Neenah, WI. Neenah is known, I'm sure among other things, for being the home of Kimberly Clark Corporation (yes, Theda was one of those Clarks), as a center for sex reassignment, and for where manhole covers come from.
I had noticed that most transwomen sort of "disappeared" during the months immediately before surgery, perhaps withdrawing inward as the surgery date approached. I decided that I would delay that "withdrawal point" as long as possible. There are 32 entries in the series (there was no entry for July 23). They are offered in the hope that someone somewhere will find them useful.
So I kept an online diary. There was this new Web thing after all, so I might as well see what use it could be put to. They were also posted to some email lists.
The technology has improved. So I am reformatting for this new-fangled blog thing, rather than that proto-blog. Some links will be added, as well as possibly, some commentary.
Twice a week makes more sense. Wednesdays and Sundays have been chosen for a start. Past editions are here.
Date: Tuesday, 26 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
Hallie called last night to say that she couldn't give me a lift to Little Rock as planned since she has a test scheduled for Wednesday and her study group is meeting Tuesday evening. So I called Michael, who lives in Hot Springs and he's going to drive the 60+ miles here to pick me up and then the 30 miles to Little Rock for group. Afterwards we'll undoubtedly have dinner before Michael drives me back here and then goes back to Hot Springs. I told him I would pay for gas though.
Michael is bringing Ginger, his girlfriend, and I'm looking forward to meeting her. Michael is very pleased to finally have a relationship where someone has known about his transsexualism from the start and I gather that Ginger is very accepting.
I spent most of the morning getting some things together for Michael...some posts from Transgen and a copy of the New Yorker article...which I read and really liked.
[The article in question is "The Body Lies" by Amy Bloom (New Yorker magazine, July 18, 1994, pp.38-49) wherein she interviewed several transmen (including JamisonGreen and [Workplace warning!! Photographer at work! Please wear these, your safety goggles] Loren Cameron) and some doctors. Michael wanted especially to see the photos. I may still have a copy, but can't locate it at the moment. Great moments in history and all that.
The article became the first part of Bloom's book Normal--ed.]
While I was at the library photocopying the article, I met Kathy K, who is from Oregon and grew up very near where I did. We chatted for 30‑45 minutes and I really enjoyed it...someone who accepts me for who I am and can't for the life of her understand why some people can't. She has met many other transpeople, when she was working at a mental hospital in Hawaii. She says there is quite a large number of transpeople there. She says she may plan a party for me when I get back. It's really nice to find people who care.
I also spent a long time responding to letters from friends on the Sappho list...I'll be logging off from that list in about a week (until I get back) and sent a post to the list yesterday telling them that. I've gotten dozens of posts wishing me well. It's really been tremendous help to have found people on the Internet who have stood by me through thick and thin and supported me all the way through transition. Sometimes I wonder if I would have made it without those people. May they all find the right path for them through this life.
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Wednesday, 27 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
Michael and Ginger were late picking me up. Brady came with them and it apparently took him a little while to get ready. So we ended up being 15 minutes late at group. On the way down, I got a chance to talk with Brady about his work as a female impersonator...he said he only does one impersonation: Mariah Carey.
Ralph stared at me as we entered and after everyone rearranged the seating (there ended up being 23 people there at the group by the time it was over), Ralph said I was looking "particularly radiant." I hadn't necessarily dressed well for the evening (black jeans and a red sweater), so I assumed it was something else he was referring to, so I said "Two more weeks" and smiled. I answered several questions that I typically get asked anymore: "Are you nervous?" No. "Are you excited?" Yes. "Are you scared?" No. <My answers were fuller than these :-) ></p>
As I looked around the room, I saw a couple of new faces, but mostly people I knew. I counted 3 MtF's (one new one that I hadn't met before) and 4 FtM's...nearly 1/3 of what was originally a lesbigay group. I'm proud of being the first avowed transsexual in the group and having opened the door for others.
Danielle was there, looking daggers at me the entire evening. I think she has been used to being a focal point the last few weeks with me not there. Now that I was, her surgery has become "old news." Well, that's Dani...always wanting to be the center of attention. Myself, I don't strive to be the center of attention in the group...I'm interested in the problems other people are having and try to give my 2 cents when it is appropriate, perfectly willing to keep quiet when it is not. [I hear you people scoffing out there.--ed]
After group, several of us went to Ralph's new restaurant (he has a 10% discount for group members). I had a grilled cheese and also bought sandwiches for Michael and Ginger...it was a bit more than the gas money I said I would pay them, but I covered it since otherwise they wouldn't eat there. I sat at a table with Michael and we talked about this and that...with people dropping by all evening to occupy the third chair...first Pam, then Rob, then Chris, and Kitty...I can't remember everyone who was there. People asked me questions about things all evening. Chris, who is studying to be a therapist himself and is interested in specializing in gender, asked me if I got tired of answering the questions and I told him about my mixed feelings on the subject.
I decided to try to get back there next week as well, though I can't afford to spend as much money this time. Hopefully I'll have Janet's car to borrow.
I did spend some time specifically talking with Kathy...the new MtF in the group. In some ways she reminds me of when I first started out...probably dressing inappropriately for her body style. She'll learn, I'm sure. I did. :-) She has some obvious problems with masculine features that I didn't have to deal with, including being hairier, with darker hair, and having tattoos on her arms from her days in the Marines, but I can see something in her eyes that looks very familiar to me...sadness mixed with hope.
On the way back to Conway, with Chris along for the ride (I think he and Brady hit it off :-) ), I got to know Ginger better and I like her. I hope she and Michael find something lasting in their
relationship.
Michael came inside for a bit when I got home and gave me a hug in case this was the last time we saw each other before I left. He did offer to pick me up from the airport when I get back here on Labor Day. I think I'll take him up on that...having someone who really understands waiting for me would be very nice.
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Thursday, 28 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
I didn't sleep well last night. Part of it was a bit of loneliness that passed my way...loneliness now and some loneliness perhaps to come. Many of my friends will be gathering for a party in SF on the 7th of August. I wish I was there to be with them, but I will be in a hotel in Neenah...probably by myself, hopefully not in a bad place emotionally. I so wish I could be with them one time before I take this trip.
And this extends to my friends so many other places. I'd so much love to spend some time with some people who perhaps understand the significance to me of this moment that is approaching in my life. It's not the end of the path that is my life, just a brief stopover perhaps, but it is the end of one journey and the start of a new one.
I started this adventure alone. Right now it feels that I will be ending it that way. But the quality of the loneliness is different. As I searched for worlds to express it, I wrote the following:
Art Link ObstaclesI started out on this
road all alone
Fear and Pain
my only companions
I wondered if
I would lose myself
The road seemed dark
and fraught with peril
'Til I found I had
Friends along the way
As the road wound
through hard terrain
I sometimes doubted
my ability to go on
But I fought back
the Fear
and worked through
the Pain
With the help of my
Friends along the way
I've come to the crest
of the mountain
I've climbed
As I look down below
I see all of the
barriers crossed
the challenges I met
and the lessons I learned
I will never forget those
Friends along the way
What lies over
the top of the road
There is no
way of knowing
But deep in my heart
From the depths
of my soul
I know that I'll have
The company of my
Friends from along the way
--Robyn Elaine Serven
--July, 1994 |
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