July 29 - August 1, 1994
Here's what's happening. I'm working on my auto-biographical creation, which requires resurrection of the past. This is part of that. All is as it was then, except You Are There.
I had my sex reassignment surgery (SRS) scheduled for August 9, 1994. It was to be performed by Dr. Eugene Schrang (doesn't he look straight out of Dark Shadows?) at the Theda Clark Medical Center in Neenah, WI. Neenah is known, I'm sure among other things, for being the home of Kimberly Clark Corporation (yes, Theda was one of those Clarks), as a center for sex reassignment, and for where manhole covers come from.
I had noticed that most transwomen sort of "disappeared" during the months immediately before surgery, perhaps withdrawing inward as the surgery date approached. I decided that I would delay that "withdrawal point" as long as possible. There are 32 entries in the series (there was no entry for July 23). They are offered in the hope that someone somewhere will find them useful.
So I kept an online diary. There was this new Web thing after all, so I might as well see what use it could be put to. They were also posted to some email lists.
The technology has improved. So I am reformatting for this new-fangled blog thing, rather than that proto-blog. Some links will be added, as well as possibly, some commentary.
Twice a week makes more sense. Wednesdays and Sundays have been chosen for a start. Past editions are here.
Date: Friday, 29 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
Payday finally arrived. I made it. What's more, I got more money than I thought I would, so after I deposit this $825 I'll have about $1400 in the bank. Of course I have to pay bills, but I think it will last me awhile.
I had to walk over to the dry cleaners to pick up my clothes. On the way there, I decided to treat myself to the buffet at Fu Lin's. I didn't see anyone I knew so I picked a small table for two in the corner by the window. Shortly after I started eating, Jeff Allender from Geography entered and after he went through the line, he came over and asked if he could sit with me. Jeff is very nice, very understanding. He has a birth defect himself, so he knows what it is like to be treated rudely. We chatted at length about Latin America since he is going to Bolivia on a grant to study the effects of tourism on the local economy and culture. For my part, I had my experiences in Mexico to contribute.
He asked where I was going for my surgery and was amazed when I said Neenah. Jeff once was a leading applicant for the City Manager position and went for an interview there. He said he turned it down though, since he couldn't stand the smell of the paper mill. In further conversation, we discovered that I was on the faculty of UW‑Milwaukee when he was a grad student there. So the conversation moved on to a discussion of the benefits and deficits to living in Milwaukee.
All in all it was a very pleasant lunch :)
And now for something completely different...
Having little to do but think recently, I've been thinking. I know, I know...thinking only gets us in trouble. :-) But thinking I have been doing anyway. One thing I have thought about most is that old saw that "surgery is actually a rather minor step." I have developed my doubts about the veracity of that statement. I have noticed that several people on this list and from elsewhere have withdrawn for a period of time before the surgery. There must be a reason for that. Part of my reason for keeping this diary is to try to explore why this happens. What is going on?
As I have gotten closer to surgery, life has taken on a very sharp focus, almost to the point of being surreal. Odors are more distinct, tactile sensations more noticeable. Is this just me?
This has become a very spiritual time in my life. For me going to Neenah for The Surgery is akin to stepping up to the altar of sacrifice. Most people have to go through death in order to be reborn and the result is that they remember little or nothing of any past experiences. We do not have to die for this rebirth. We only go through the "little death" of anaesthesia. We will keep our memories. But we will be reborn afterwards, make no mistake about it. The fact that we may slip back into the same life afterwards does not invalidate this conclusion for me.
I don't deny that the hardest step was the coming out, the beginning of gestation...entering RLT [real life test--ed]. For me that required the death of my former personality. Since * I * was still alive, I allowed myself to pick and choose from amongst the pieces of that personality to rebuild myself. The construction was not painless. The construction still goes on. Life goes on.
But The Surgery is in a sense the final burial of that former personality, where the last vestiges of him are removed. How can that not be an important event? And with the surgery begins the painful birthing process. I will be born anew in the blood of my former self.
Love and Peace,
Robyn (with perhaps a different view than others)
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Date: Saturday, 30 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
Not much has happened since yesterday (at least not much that I am going to post about). I'm feeling pretty lethargic.
I did return home yesterday evening to discover that the pipes under my kitchen sink were leaking. Damn shoddy construction under there...plastic pipes. So I had to play the butch and get it repaired enough that I could still run the water in the sink. I won't be able to get it totally repaired until I get back in September.
I got three pieces of mail yesterday. One was a letter from NancyG [author of Reengineering Nancy, which I can no longer find available on the web--ed] that was much appreciated. Another was a package from LadyT that contained a dress that would be nice for wearing around the house. I'm taking it with me to Neenah and Bloomington. It's very loose and comfortable. [Alas, I am much larger now and it is not--ed]
The third package was from Miriam. She has apparently finished her visit with her sister in Florida and is in DC, probably visiting her folks. Last month she sent me a wall hanging that had "Escherize your mind" on it, in honor of the Escher print I have in my office (Relativity). This package was stranger. It contained 3 items. The first is a bumper sticker supporting the dutch World Cup team (Miriam is from the Netherlands and I am about 1/4 dutch, I think). Another was a set of 3 cartoons about college and mathematics. The third was a copy of the Cybersurfing column from the Washington Post (July 14) entitled "The Computer Come‑Ons." It's about women being hit on and/or harassed while online. I can't for the life of me form a gestalt of these items. Miriam has a strange outlook sometimes.
April called this morning [from Japan--ed] since she can't get online. We chatted for about 60 minutes. She starts her Intensive English Workshop tomorrow, so I won't be in touch with her until 2 days after my surgery. < sigh >
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Sunday, 31 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
Another melancholy day. I took about 3 walks, a mile each. It seems like I'm looking for almost any excuse to get out of my office or my apartment. As usual I managed to catch sight of things that most people seemed to walk right past without noticing. I trailed a cardinal for half a block, watching him hop from branch to branch, until he got so far away from the street and high in a tree that I couldn't see him anymore.
Inside, I spent much of the day talking to people on the OWLS lists about relationships. Neither April nor I have ever been in a lesbian relationship before and it has shown. I'm hoping that I can learn something from these older women that I probably should have tried to learn months ago. Lots of old issues have been brought to the front. I hope it's not too late to resolve them and make things better.
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Monday, 1 Aug 1994
Dear Diary:
I got up early today and walked downtown before it got too hot, but apparently not early enough as I still got very sweaty. It's about a mile and a half to downtown. I had a really good breakfast at Laura's Cafe (don't know how they get away with such cheap prices). It was fun playing peek-a-boo with the waitress' 2‑year‑old daughter. She is extremely cute. :)
After breakfast, I walked over to the bank and deposited my paycheck and another check. I kept out $200 for the trip. Then it was on to Conway Corp to pay the utilities bill. Boring stuff, huh?
I walked over to Food 4 Less (or Food 4 Free, as my daughter Jen used to call it) and picked up a couple of items I needed. Then I walked to school, another mile and a half. Total walking of about 4 miles, with temps in the 80s and high humidity. I was a mess when I reached school.
One thing that did dawn on me on my walk was that I noticed * everything * that was going on around me. If a bird chirped, I heard it and seemed to be able to turn and see where the bird was immediately. If something moved anywhere near me I sensed it. It seems to me like I am in a constant meditative state, which would surely explain the profound calmness I feel. Whatever it is, it feels good :-)
When I reached school, I walked over to the Science building and caught Janet just as she was preparing to leave. She agreed to give me a ride to group tomorrow, even though she isn't working. She said she could use the time away from her family to study. I'm glad because I wanted to treat her to dinner afterwards at Ralph's restaurant. It's not much and certainly doesn't make up for all she has done for me in the past year as far as letting me use her car, but it's something I can do.
I returned to my office and worked on my email, irced a bit, and then it was home for an hour. I returned a call to one of the credit companies (I was a bit late sending the checks :-( ) and then called Schrang's office. The receptionist said that yes, I was "all set." :) Everything had been received.
I went to the store on the corner and paid my phone bill and picked up some lunch. Then it was back to school for some more work on the computer. At 3:45, I went home to watch STTNG and while watching did some more cleaning and packing. I'm nearly all packed now, save for a few things that need washing.
The only thing left to do is to find someone who doesn't mind getting up at 5am on a Sunday to take me to the airport.
Love and Peace,
Robyn