Cross-posted from And The Horse You Rode In On
I wish I had better news to report, but – as usual – the latest dispatches from the world of science are relatively useless. Still you should know what they’ve discovered.
- Viruses are Republicans. No brains. No morals. Nasty, brutish, and short.
- Enzymes are Democrats. Natural catalysts, except the ones currently in Congress, which consists almost entirely of adipose tissue.
- Bacteria are Independents. They freely exchange DNA, switching sides to gain small advantages rather than waiting to evolve. Examples: e-coli and j-liebermania.
- Energy Crisis? There isn’t any. All the energy our nation could possibly use is pent up in road rage, airline rage, and anti-Bush/Cheney rage. The trick is to harness this latent force for useful work, a project currently blocked by fatty deposits in Congress.
- An Electronic Black Hole. TV writer and blogger Chris Kelly of L.A. has discovered an anti-Hillary website (StopHerNow.com) that is so weak it drains your computer battery, house wiring, TV, and refrigerator.
- Watched water boils after all.
- Orangutans ride bicycles. No, check that. Orangutans have been observed to display bipedalism in Sumatra. That throws into a cocked hat the prevailing theory that more modern hominids were the first to stand erect, thus freeing the hands and paving the way for touch-typing, eyebrow pencils, AK47s, and cognitive dissonance.
- One for the Gyppers. Turns out the Korean team caught faking evidence of stem cell cloning in 2005 had accidentally made an even more significant breakthrough. They had produced stem cells from an unfertilized mouse egg – thus removing the process from all religious objections since no embryo was involved. But they didn’t realize they had done it. Moral: Had he not used steroids, Barry Bonds might be celebrating his 900th home run instead of his 756th.
- You can grow your own brain. Not in a terrarium, in your head. For decades, we’ve been taught that we’re stuck with the brain we were born with. Now it turns out you can grow new neurons, even if you’re old and sick (as the experimental subjects at Salk Institute were). What factors promote neuron growth? Exercise, estrogen, antidepressants, marijuana, stimulating environments, and high social status. Take your pick. What factors retard neuron growth? Aging, stress, sleep deprivation, barren environments, and Ritalin. As to the well known correlation between shrunken brains and right-wing politics, researchers have yet to determine which is the cause and which is the effect.
- Abstinence-only sex education doesn’t work. We all knew that, but the Bush League spent $170 million in 2005 alone on such programs. Then the CDC determined scientifically that all the money was wasted. Of course they were soon bulldozed into removing those findings from their website.
It takes two wrongs to make a right wing.