The results of the Pygmy Olympics are in the history books and Mitt Romney has solidified his standing as a Pygmy among Pygmies.
Rudy Giuliani refused to enter the competition, moving directly to the medals stand where he claimed the gold medal for having personally combed through the debris in the aftermath of the destruction of the World Trade Center. He regaled the crowd with his account of picking up a 10-ton girder allowing 11 victims to scramble to safety. After the firemen said "maybe not," Rudy said what he meant to say is that he had built a love nest for his mistress with public funds on the site, and identified with others who had been there.
John McCain also decided to do the Iowa Straw Poll his own way. Rather than throw the javelin with other Pygmies, he decided to catch the minature spears in his teeth. The Secret Service initially had qualms about allowing him to do this, but ultimately decided he was toast anyway.
The relay race ended in disaster when all the Pygmies were too self-absorbed to hand off the baton, or rather the deep-fried zucchini.
To show that they were politically correct and not the bad old Republicans of yesteryear, the Iowa GOP invited some actual diminutive tribesmen from central Africa. They wanted to include some black faces and diminish any bad press that might come from the use of the term Pygmy. It was something of a public relations disaster when all of the African participants, though small, still stood a head taller than any of the candidates. Though not fluent in English, they also were better than the candidates at making themselves understood.
Tommy Thompson and Fred Thompson retreated to the infield and shared a deep-fried Twinkie, lamenting the fact that the public does not differentiate between them.
Huckabee and Brownback were closely matched in the Nuttier Than Thou contest, carving out the most extreme positions favored by the religious right. Huckabee said he literally believed in the story of Noah, Huckabee said he would direct the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers to accurately recreate the Biblical Flood.
Tancredo initially tried to wow the crowd with his stump speech on immigration reform. The Iowans applauded wildly, when they mistakenly believed that Tancredo had made a commitment to leave the country.
A reporter from National Public Radio (I am not making this up.) was dumbstruck that people in Iowa raised fruits and vegetables and brought them to competitions at the State Fair. Bob Costas did his usual excellent job of anchoring the Olympic coverage, but at 5-foot-7, he was a full two heads taller than the candidates and unable to do standup interviews with them. Newt Gingrich provided expert commentary. Standing 4-foot-11 on his tiptoes after climbing onto a milk crate, he lamented that the Republican candidates were diminished by scandal and failure in government.
But it was Romney’s day, earning triple gold in the hop, skip and flip flop event. He promised to be for abortion and gay rights on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and against those causes on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. He promised to delegate executive authority in the United States to the Mormon hierarchy only on Sundays.
The crowd went wild, giving Romney almost enough votes to win a City Council seat in Iowa City.