Note to O'Reilly Viewers on Faux News: see, we have nice things to say about our Fearless Leader. Call me, Bill, for an appearance on your show.
The nation's premier association of professional historians, the American Historical Association, in conjunction with Princeton University, has decided to right an historical wrong and will confer the degree of PhD or, Doctor of Philosophy, next month upon President George W. Bush.
What prompted the AHA to recognize one of its own? Mr. Bush's incisive analysis of the lessons learned from the Vietnam War spurred this prestigious society to announce this award.
Noted Princeton University historian, Sean Wilentz, who had characterized Mr. Bush as the worst president in US history last year, condemned his fellow historians for their premature judgment, promptly withdrew his objections, and endorsed the AHA's action. Professor Wilentz admitted that he had been "misquoted."
In a press release issued earlier this afternoon, an AHA spokesman said
George W. Bush has contributed immensely to the knowledge and understanding of our country's history. As everyone knows, Mr. Bush graduated with a bachelor's degree from the finest university in our country, Yale University, in 1968 and, later, served his country with distinction fighting the enemy in the paddy fields of Vietnam. As every person is fully aware, a degree from Yale is at least the equivalent of a PhD in History from Allegheny State College. In recognition of his original contributions, the AHA (in conjunction with Princeton University) will invite and honor Mr. Bush at a special ceremony on Tuesday, September 11, 2007 in New York City -- the 6th anniversary of the terrorist attacks. The AHA has invited another distinguished historian, Rudy Giuliani, to present the award.
The president's spokesman, Tony Snowjob, added that, "President Bush is deeply honored and is determined to conduct original research to enlighten us with his deep and unique knowledge of our country's affairs -- past and present."
Yesterday, Mr. Bush said this in an important foreign policy speech at one of the country's leading research institutions, Regent University, in Virginia Beach, Virginia
When I was fighting the "Axis of evil" in the jungles of Vietnam -- the Viet Cong, North Vietnamese Army, and various insurgents from Laos and Cambodia -- over three decades ago in a land far away along with my comrades Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, and Bill Kristol, draft dodgers like John Kerry and Al Gore were busy cheerleading football teams at prestigious prep schools. My combat experiences in war give me a special understanding of what our brave men and women are facing today in Iraq. We are doing the Lord's work in the Middle East and we shall prevail. Freedom and liberty are on the march"
After Mr. Bush made this historic speech, his supporters gave him a standing ovation lasting over ten minutes. The university's president, Reverend Pat Robertson, singled out Mr. Bush for his dedication to Christian principles and for being the nation's unquestioned moral leader. "Moral clarity and possessing a grand vision of history are only two of Mr. Bush's strong personal characteristics," said Rev. Roberston.
To be fair, Mr. Bush is not without his critics. Reaction from his Yale classmates was swift and highly critical of the AHA's actions
[T]he most important problem we face nowadays is "radical religious fundamentalism, radical conservatism, parochial 'me-first' politics, special-interest politics, entrenched political and corporate corruption, polarization, George W. Bush, the reign of low-intelligence stupidity, the appeal to the lowest common denominator in politics and the steady deterioration of the language, the 'dumbing down' of America and the poor education and policies that maintain it, ensconced in our body politic."
Even so, speaking on the condition of anonymity while sipping white wine from the Greenwich Country Club in Greenwich, Connecticut, a former classmate said this: "No one understands the complex issues of fair taxation and free trade better than George W. Bush and he is certainly deserving of this honor."
Responding to the AHA's announcement and to charges that Mr. Bush was an "intellectual lightweight," Mr. Snowjob said today that Mr. Bush had been fighting above his weight his entire life. He also dismissed this old photograph as the work of unpatriotic liberals on the internets and said that it was John Kerry, not Mr. Bush at Phillips Academy Andover, who was really a cheerleader during his prep school days. He added that unnamed terrorists had used an illegal program called Photoshop to replace Mr. Kerry's head with Mr. Bush's. One of the nation's foremost experts on cheerleading, a Mr. Trent Lott of Mississippi, confirmed this horrendous inaccuracy.
George W. Bush John Kerry at Andover
(photo courtesy of the Republican National Committee
and endorsed by Swift Boat Veterans for Truth)
Meanwhile, Ms. Kalee Kreider, Mr. Gore's spokesperson, issued a rebuttal on behalf of Mr. Gore and urged everyone to consider the real history of the Bush Era
Mr. Snowjob further assured the gathered reporters that Mr. Bush had been a serious student of history since his Andover/Yale days and several of his unpublished works of history would be published next year in a book titled, 'Historical Revisionism and Other Works of George W. Bush.' The book includes, among other wide-ranging articles, the following gems
- 'The Domino Theory and Relevant Lessons as Applied to Iraq.'
- 'The Complete History of the Texas National Air Guard.'
- 'The Fine Art of Cutting Brush at Your Ranch.'
- 'The Perils of Binge Drinking at Frat Parties.'
- 'Global Warming: a Moral, Not a Political Problem.'
- 'Blackwater: a Serious Threat to Our National Security.'
Reviewing an unpublished draft, Mr. Frank Rich, the New York Times' celebrated book critic, hailed it as the most important work of history since Edward Gibbon's 'The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.'
Mr. Bush's unpublished book immediately shot to the top of the Best-Seller List of the New York Times.
(crossposted at Truth & Progress)