"Jerry, bubelah, great to see you, babe! How's your Cobb salad, good? That's what I'm talking about.
"Listen, Jerry, hope you don't mind I pull up a chair. I got this project ready to go out through William Morris tomorrow morning and when I saw you across the room my hair stood on end. Fuck the rest of the town, Jerry -- you and this project have a date with destiny...
"Who's the writer? New kid, name's Karl Rove. He's the real deal, bubby, he's gonna turn this fucking town on its ear. This kid is gritty, mysterious, and edgy. His mother offed herself. You want I do the pitch? All right, let me pull up a chair here...
"What we got here is a political sci-fi thriller. We open after a terrorist attack has pitted the forces of good against the forces of evil on the global stage. Only here's the catch, Jer: the president? He's a fucking chimpanzee. That's right, I said a chimpanzee. He's a knuckle-dragging dumb-as-fuck ape, Jerry, and the masses are either too brainwashed to realize they have a monkey for president or they're so depressed by it they're medicated to a stupor on this stuff called Prozac. Oh, and I almost forgot the mention -- the Vice President is a vampire. How fucking original is that?
"Anyway, our hero is the guy that got the chimp elected in the first place. His name is Earl Kove, and he's a square-jawed, swarthy looker; think Antonio Banderas, but smarter. He's catnip to the ladies, a cocksman of the highest order, and he's got five Purple Hearts from four different wars.
"So our man Earl has a challenge before him that will test his mettle like never before, and that challenge is to vault the Republican Party to a 'permanent majority' and thereby lead America to unprecedented glory. To do that, he needs to eliminate obstacles, and start seizing power.
"Now I know what you're thinking. Impossible. This is America, right? But remember: this is the guy who got a fucking chimpanzee elected, and he's fearless. The first thing he does is he gets the chimp in the Oval Office to start signing all these executive orders and signing statements that basically say that he's rubber and Congress is glue, so he's above the law. Like the Steven Seagal movie, only more contemporary and less Buddhist. The next thing he does is gets the actual physical copy of the Constitution from the vault in the Library of Congress and he wipes his ass with it.
"What does Congress do? Great question. They do nothing. Why? Because Earl Kove knows the deep dark secret about the Republican Congress, which is that it's filthy with queers -- not that there's anything wrong with that.
"But it's not just queers. I'm talking page-diddlers here, Jerry, men who like boys and troll for it on the Internet. Family guys with the Falwells and the Dobsons behind them, and it's like an epidemic of The Gay. It gets so bad, you can't tell the difference between a Republican caucus and a NAMBLA meeting. Thing is, nobody knows except Earl and the Freemasons, which is basically the other half of the Republican Party. Earl uses what he knows to get what he wants -- power!!!
"Here comes the twist -- just when it looks like Earl has the permanent majority locked up and in the bag, BANG, just like Spring fucking Break, all hell breaks loose, and The Gay starts to gush from huge holes in the Good Ship LolliGOP!
"A TV preacher gets nailed buying crack from a male prostitute. A gay prostitute is found wandering around asking questions in the West Wing. A Congressman in charge of a committee to protect kids from predators gets caught sending emails to 17-year old boys asking if they want to see his tooter. A Florida lawmaker gets caught smoking pole in a park and tells the cops he was doing it because he was afraid of the scary black guys. Shit, Jerry, even the Young Republicans are getting in on the act!
"At this point, Jerry, things are so bad for Earl that the news about a Louisiana Senator who got caught soliciting female prostitutes is welcome!
"It's the end of act two. Lowest moment for our hero. And he does what he knows he must. He falls on his sword. Resigns. And I'm telling you, bubby, there isn't a dry eye in the house. This man is beloved.
"Despondent, beaten, and bedraggled, Earl goes home to his chic studio apartment in a very heterosexual area of Washington D.C. and stares out at Foggy Bottom, where a rainstorm is clearing. And there, between the parting thunderheads, is his inspiration: The Watergate Hotel, Jerry. The Taj Mahal for all men of will. And he knows what he must do, at all costs, to save his party and his country: he must stop the Clintons from coming.
"The rest, Jerry, you'll have to read for yourself. Trust me when I say it's a page turner, and Joel Schumacher is already interested. I can have it on your desk by the time you're back from lunch. What do you say?
"Implausible? What do you mean the pitch is implausible? Am I high or didn't you make 'Armageddon?'"