The recent report of Senator Larry Craig's arrested and subsequent guilty plea for committing a lewd act in a public restroom reminded me of some good advice I once received about workplace bathroom etiquette. The lessons learned here will not only help you at work, but may also prove useful in any public restroom to prevent a U.S. Senator from trying to seduce you.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
Follow me below the jump for a few choice rules for pooping in public restrooms.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
This first rule is an important one. If you enter a public restroom and see a suspicious-looking Senator, walk right out.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
I'b be suspicious of an out of the closet pooper. This is someone who is comfortable around public restrooms. If you see one of these people wink at you before entering a restroom, DO NOT ENTER. They may be looking for something other than bowel relief.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Call this rule the buddy system. If you know of someone who likes to solicit sexual favors in public restrooms, the right thing to do is alert your friends. It will help them avoid the discomfort of unwanted footsie attacks when they're most vulnerable.
SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
A safe haven to one person is a dangerous restroom to another. For example, to Senator Craig, a safe haven is a place where there is unlikely to be an uncover officer. For those trying to avoid sexual encounters in restrooms, a safe haven could be a restroom with a giant handicap stall that provides enough distance from the next stall to avoid contact with a neighbor. A restroom with a single stall might also be considered safe.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
In reality, a turd buglar might be disturbing you on purpose. It provides plausible deniability in the event that the stall is occupied by an undercover police officer. However, the advice still fits. Don't leave until the offender leaves the restroom.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
This advise could backfire on you. A camo-cough might make someone like Senator Craig think you are trying to get his attention. My recommendation is to keep quiet and deal with any turd burglars in the aforementioned manner.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
NEVER USE THIS DEFENSE! Toe tapping is exactly what a restroom pervert is looking for. Again, stick to the turd burglar defense.
UNCLE TED (A.K.A. UNCLE LARRY)
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Better to have an accident in your pants than be confronted by an Uncle Larry. Avoid them at all costs.
Good luck, and happy pooping!