In 1971 the first issue of Ms. Magazine was published. One of the essays appearing in that first issue was Why I Want A Wife, by Judy Syfers, now Brady. Last Wednesday she was interviewed on NPR's, "The Story". You can listen to that interview here. Her interview lasts for just over the first 30 minutes of the show.
Brady talks about what she felt were the options open to women at that time:
"...You don't have any opportunities. You don't have options open to you... You can be somebody's wife, you can be somebody's mother, you can be somebody's anything, but you can't be somebody.
Welcome to Feminisms:
Feminisms is a series of weekly feminist diaries. My fellow feminists and I decided to start our own for several purposes: we wanted a place to chat with each other, we felt it was important to both share our own stories and learn from others’, and we hoped to introduce to the community a better understanding of what feminism is about.
Needless to say, we expect disagreements to arise. We have all had different experiences in life, so while we share the same labels, we don’t necessarily share the same definitions. Hopefully, we can all be patient and civil with each other, and remember that, ultimately, we’re all on the same side.
Let me start by providing a link to the essay and an excerpt, so that those of you who haven't read it can do so, or can at least get a sense of what this essay is about. The notes in the link describe this as a "classic piece of feminist humor". I guess this is another case of me "losing my funny" because honestly, I don't find much funny about the fact that this piece defined gender roles within a marriage in 1971 and still very much applies to gender roles within many relationships today.
Probably the most illustrative paragraph would be this one:
I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals,serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can continue care for me and my when I need a rest and change of scene. I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a wife's duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a wife who will type my papers for me when I have written them.
I often assign Brady's essay to my first semester Composition students. One of the questions I always ask my students is similar to one that Dick Gordon asks Syfers in this interview, "Has the status of women in this country changed since this essay was written?" Another question I like to ask them, "How many of YOU want a wife as described in the essay?"
Brady doesn't like this first question, and my students often don't like it either:
"There are certain things that have changed for the better, but they are surface things.
...
Real change for women cannot come unless there is real change for all people and I see that as having gone backwards. We are in worse shape now in this country than we were 37 years ago - in terms of number of people in prison, there are any number of indicators you could point to. You can show me that more privileged women have more privileges, but you cannot show me that there has been a change for the country as a whole, for all people."
Gordon sums up Brady's points by suggesting that what she sees as a problem is the decision by the women's movement to accept "incremental change" rather than "radical change" over the last 40 years.
This past weekend I went to the beach with "the girls", a group of girlfriends from both high school and college. We've known each other for at least 8 years, and I've known one of them for 16 years now. Out of the seven who were able to go, 2 were new moms (both babies about a year old), one married mom, one not yet married mom, but soon to be, 2 are married and trying to get pregnant, 2 of us are single, and one has a long-term boyfriend. We have another long-distance best girlfriend who just learned she's pregnant as well.
We talked about everything under the sun, but I was struck over and over again by these amazing women that I know who are wives and mothers and girlfriends and just single and who all have great jobs or are back in school getting PhD's or more training. I had just reread "Why I Want A Wife" as a result of listening to Judy Brady on this program, and I couldn't help but think as I was listening to all of them talking, that somehow we have all become "wives" - at least according to this essay.
I've started wondering just what "radical" changes need to take place in order for us to not grow into these roles, in order for our daughters to not grow into these roles? And then I'm left wondering, is being a "wife" all that awful? I mean, are these behaviors things that we should shun? I'm not so sure that's the case with all of them. I certainly think there needs to be balance, and men, our partners, etc. need to participate in relationships so that we don't end up being the "wives" in Brady's essay. On the one hand I find myself arguing for balanced relationships, and on the other I find myself yearning for radical changes.