You people really don’t want me to be able to fit my head through a standard-size doorframe, do you?
When I announced last Wednesday that Cheers and Jeers was going away to an undisclosed location for an undetermined amount of time, you responded with such kindness and, well, panic, that I was truly moved, as were my bowels. ("Daily Kos: Your favorite left-wing smear site is now a gentle laxative!") Your words and mojo and offers of support were much appreciated, and I thank you from the bottom of my plaque-encrusted heart.
But it didn’t end there.
Later in the day I discovered that a daring plot had been hatched to keep C&J alive. In essence, you would hire me. I would work for you. Instead of the three bosses I had until they threw me out the window 12 days ago (the welcome mat cushioned my fall), I would now have tens of thousands of bosses. Gee, what could go wrong with that???
I was ready to politely decline and enter the priesthood when I received the following email from a right-wing terrorist:
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See ya libtard loser. Maybe you can move and Maine will be a better place.
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That's called peeing in my pool, and I don't take kindly to it. If I could spend all eight of my waking hours reducing "contards" to jelly and bringing some sanity to the rest of us, well, perhaps the church could wait. So here's the deal: if enough of you agree to support me as your humble servant for a year writing C&J, I will tear up my freshly-signed RNC membership card and accept your recruitment offer. All I'm asking for in return is food and shelter. My diet, by the way, consists of twenty-dollar-bill salads and my roof really needs to be replaced with a new layer of C-note shingles. If a total of 50k can be raised this week (and, believe me, that's a major cut from what I was making as a South Seas pearl diver), here's what you'll get in return:
I will expand C&J to five days a week. I will host special meetups within a five-mile radius of my home (that's as far as I can pedal my Big Wheel™ before I cramp up). I will continue to acknowledge that there exists a land of unicorns and okra fields known as "The West Coast" with special late-edition C&Js. I will broadcast fireside chats to pump up a nation weary of war. I will perform at your child's birthday party, although you should know up-front that I can only make animal balloons out of condoms and I only know how to make one---the rare North American One-Eyed Snake. I will accept all-expenses-paid trips to both the Democratic National Convention and Dennis Kucinich's presidential inauguration on your behalf. And I will rat on anyone who says anything bad about you, because you'll be the best, if not the most feared, boss I've ever had.
But, wait, there's more! If you act now, you pay only $10,000 for each of the first five columns. After that, every issue is absolutely FREE!
Kos has details on how you can chip in to pay my salary AT THIS LINK RIGHT HERE! YES, THIS VERY LINK I'M POSTING NOW! YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE IT BECAUSE IT'S IN ORANGE TYPE! BY THE WAY, LARGE-PRINT EDITIONS OF THIS LINK ARE AVAILABLE IN THE LOBBY, ALONG WITH SPECIAL AUDIO VERSIONS FOR THE HARD OF HEARING. I can't thank him enough for setting this up and going out of his way to give you what you want---a pound of my flesh (trust me, there's plenty for everyone, but you're gonna want to pre-season me with lots of Mrs. Dash™). If Michael and I ever have a kid, we're naming him Markos. Sadly, our landlord prohibits goats at the moment but we think they're close to caving.
By the way, if you'd like to use snail mail, you can send large pallets of cash directly from the United States Treasury to: Bill Harnsberger, 16 Pitt Street, Portland, ME, 04103. But please not any of those new presidential dollar coins because they suck---Adams looks like Raggedy Frickin' Ann.
I understand that this proposal is highly experimental (naturally the insurance companies won’t come within a mile of it). This is weird and slightly uncomfortable. It's never been done before in the history of the blogosphere going all the way back to 1714. But I'm willing to be your Guinea pig and even wear your electrode-filled girdle (gee, that came in the mail fast) 24/7 and upload the results into your giant throbbing Snarkometer™. But it's strictly up to you. Do not feel obligated to take part in this no matter how many telemarketers who sound just like me threaten to send a squad of Blackwater rejects to your home at 3am. Talk amongst yourselves and I'll sit quietly in the lobby reading decade-old copies of Highlights For Satanic Children.
I remain your humble servant until the checks clear,
Billy
P.S. Timroff wrote a diary and would like folks to take his poll to help keep rough track of the results. Here's the link. Thanks.
P.P.S. Kossack BobzCat sums up in all seriousness why I'm willing to try this:
How many people posted their first comment ever in a C&J? I know I did. In fact, it was in C&J that I learned how to comment, and how to be a member of this community.
I figured out my written "voice" in my first postings to C&J. I enjoyed the experience of seeing dozens of people respond to one of my comments by recommending it. I had the first thrill of having someone respond to me, and engaged in my first online conversations, all in C&J.
It's the kiddie pool, a safe zone, the place where new members of the community can find their voice and experience the diversity and the sense of community here. ...
And for long-time members, it provides a place where we can put aside differences and celebrate our commonalities, ply our senses of humor, share what's important or irreverent, and maybe heal wounds.
P.P.P.S. The millionth contributor will win the right to host the first 2012 presidential candidates debate between Ron Paul and Mike Gravel in their living room next July. We may have to remove sections of your roof to accommodate the network scaffolding, but other than that the only thing that'll be affected is your liquor cabinet.
P.P.P.P.S For those of you, like Dave 1021, who believe that C&J is nothing more than a cut & paste job, I say this: that is totally unfair.
P.P.P.P.P.S For those of you, like Dave 1021, who believe that C&J is nothing more than a cut & paste job, I say this: that is totally unfair.
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