On October 5, 2006 I wrote Regarding Hope, outlining for my own benefit reasons to live.
For I was of a strong inclination to do nothing of the sort a year ago.
Got your attention yet?
More below the break.
I look back on the preamble to my last petition before my own depression for life:
So often, we talk of hope in very general, well-meaning, global terms. Hope, though, is far more personal than that. Hope is borne not so much of strength but a last stand against succumbing to despair. And that is the paradox; for the thing that is strongest when we are not is what so often carries the day.
I'm reading through the old diary now, and finding some lines I should harvest for future use.
- Hope is borne of the need to make good, make better, make well, make right that which is not.
- If you ever find yourself painted into a dark corner, hope may be the only lifeline that you need...or have.
- Our lives, our happiness, and our purpose in life are not measured in isolation, but in how we bring happiness and value to others.
- We are not bound by our last defeat, or setback, or mistake, or bad choice; there is a path toward restoration, reconciliation...and forgiveness...either to obtain it, or obtain the strength to grant it.
- There are worse crimes than good intentions.
- I cannot become a better person on my own, nor can any of us. Sustained isolation is a spiritual death sentence.
This was Thursday night. This might have been my last diary.
The next day was endless; when you are in pain, time is the one thing you want to pass swiftly, yet does not. At this point I am sure of it; I am going to go home, select an appropriately strong kitchen knife, set it on the edge of the bathroom counter just to the left of my sternum, and fall onto it. My estimate is it would take between 12 and 24 seconds, and wouldn't leave too much of a mess if I could get over to the bathtub in time. Longer, if I messed it up.
Okay, perhaps you did not want to read that. That was then, this is now. (This story has a happy ending, just hold your horses.)
Well, before that..God help me...I just had to get my DailyKos fix.
I suppose I was stalling. After all, it was gonna hurt a bit. And there was the matter of the kids still being awake, so I had a couple of hours to, er, kill.
And I am sitting there, thinking of the reasons convincing me that I must do this, and I can barely read the screen. Then I think, maybe I should write something to my friends. I wonder what to say? Is there anything to tell them? My thinking at the time: I had decided I did not want any intervention. I wasn't going to give anyone the heads-up of what I had in mind. If this were to ever happen for real I would never precede it with a diary letting you know this was so.
Which meant I wasn't sure what to share. I was sad. I was known to post quirky diaries by the bushel.
If you know me, I need a hug :(
This is about giving me a hug, plain and simple.
I need a hug. I thought I didn't, on account I'm all strong and self-sufficient and all, but I've got needs, too.
Right now, I need a hug. :(
Besides, if you need something for "Got a Happy Story?" later on this evening, you can say "I gave CSK a hug!" and reap all sorts of mojo thereby. :)
PS - Oh...if you need a hug, you're welcome to make your own appeals for lovingkindness at my diary's expense. :)
Of course it was a cry for help. And help came.
I was supposed to run a road race the next day. I made it to the morning because of the responses to this diary.
I was not overjoyed so much as stunned.
To be honest, I was back to the same dark mood throughout much of the day; save during the road race, which if not blazing fast was good for the purpose of keeping my attention focused. I actually ran quite hard thinking, ya know, going out while in the middle of a race would be nice. Maybe if I push a little harder...
Like I said, I was depressed. It was take til the next evening for it all to settle in. At that point I wrote Or Perhaps the Day After, a thank-you with some additional commentary:
First off, a general all-round thank-you to the entire DKOS community; I needed a hug, reasons unspecified, and you...well, you didn't ask questions (mostly), shrugged, and hugged. Then hugged each other here and there.
I learned a lot about what community means, about the connections I had made with so many of you, about what it really means to be able to face adversity, knowing My friends got my back.
A fair bit more follows, if you care to descend into the depths. Some of you will find what I write here alarming. You in particular I want to know that I have been in so many ways uplifted, even redeemed by what transpired here last night, that I've not even fully absorbed the beauty and magnitude of it all.
You have no idea what those hugs and good wishes meant to me. I'm quite sure I do not fully know how much goodwill I have been gifted from you. Insofar as love applies to the feeling I now have...you have mine, and I am in your debt.
As I said to one poster: I will not let you down.
The Year That Might Not Have Been
Let me see....perusing the diaries I have written since then -- diaries that would never have been, had I checked out on the night of the Sixth of October --
Emerging Showdown in Central Asia is probably the best diary I have ever written.
Water Scarcity and Warfare is nice, too.
I would have missed Feeling Like Part of My Own Country Again
Never mind openly acknowledging that Everything Bad is My Fault.
I kind of liked my own weighing-in on the neverending Let's ditch the South skirmishes.
I would have missed my older son Writing a letter to President Bush
I would not have run My first half-marathon
I would not have met So many wonderful Kossacks in Dallas!
Who would have asked If the DailyKos Wave was Over? Well, somebody would have, but we got the makings of a book in this one diary's comments. (Somebody step up!)
I would never have learned about Pasadena's Parrots
The definitive history of the Cilantro War would have gone unpublished.
Perhaps The best tagline ever conceived would have never been.
I would have missed the North Carolina Bloggers Conference. Sniff. And Matt Stoller would have missed out on seeing my world-famous bar trick -- drawing cartoons on napkins. (And that would have been just terrible.)
While I am sure someone would have covered the rash of helicopter shoot-downs in Iraq, I would have been out of the press pool.
You would have missed me revealing to you The Meaning of Lice
I would have missed my younger son's 2nd birthday
I would not have met my cousin Noweasels at the DC YKOS Fundraiser Never mind a long roster of cool Kossacks, some of them elected officials. Woot!
I would not have been there when There was a shooting at my wife's school the day after the Virginia Tech massacre
Would have not learned of My brother getting remarried
You would never have learned Why she really likes you, and why you really like him -- er, if you are heterosexual, anyway.. [grimaces for want of a comprehensive study of histocompatibility]
We would not have Reclaimed the Rec List from the Famous People. That was a glorious day for the little people. I am glad I was around for that.
You would have missed out on just about the the only time I ever praised Gooserock :)
I would have missed Seeing my Southern California peeps.
Live-Blogging Lunch With Jerome A Paris would never have been.
I would never have gotten around to Starting to solve all the world's problems
I would never have gotten to Release My Inner Evil :)
I would never have seen the Building of my 9/11 Memorial in Second Life
Or, and I loved this, Secured the help of Kossacks to design possible future histories
Wrap
This, of course, is a grossly abbreviated version of my past year. I have, among other things, lived to change to a job more to my skills set (I actually get paid to write, and I got a raise to do it!), managed to get down to a decent weight before said career change derailed my fitness regimen....or maybe that was spending too much time in Second Life. Shrug. I was able to return to Yearlykos and see many friends old and new and manage to untangle an especially difficult knot in the process with the help of family and friends. Thanks, all. I saw something rise, albeit in virtual reality, that I never ever thought would come to pass.
I saw my little one go from a baby into a little brother. I saw my older son enter First Grade.
I saw the smile in my wife's eyes return.
And I made it another year.
And it was, i think, a very good year and I am glad that I did not miss it.
And I can say with a straight face I am here because of you.
I hope that's okay with ya'all. :)