This is not about God or religion. In fact, I'm not sure I can really explain what it is about. It is not something that I have prepared, sketched out. It is the product of some serious thinking, some of which has been reflected in my recent writing, but not all of it. I share it because perhaps my struggle with trying to find meaning may find some resonance with others who face similar struggles. And I had hesitated to write it until I received an email this evening.
I hope if you continue reading you will find some value in what I have to offer. If you choose to stop reading now, or at any point as you go through, I will understand. So I offer now my customary final salutation:
Peace.
And now. . . credo
I believe
I am not always clear on what I believe. I struggle to find meaning and purpose, in my actions, in the actions of those around me. I participate politically for the same reason that I teach: I want my life to have meaning beyond my own self gratification or comfort.
I recognize that politics requires compromise, that unless we can move to where we find common ground we will reproduce the Hobbesian situation of the war of every man with every other man. Our politics, our business, our sports, our international relations, our human existence is imbued with the seeming need to win totally at all costs, crushing the "other." As one who grew up in a political family I understand the need to fully explore ideas, at the same time as one cannot be rigidly tied to ideas, or ideology, or philosophies, at the expense of the lives of others. I know that at times we must face difficult choices, with no good options, that we must decide on words and actions that by themselves are repugnant to that which we hold dear. And yet we must act. I believe that we have a responsibility to recognize when we are choosing an evil, however lesser it may be than the alternative, to acknowledge it, to in humility accept that some will be harmed by what we choose and there may be no words of explanation or regret that can make up for the harm we do.
I believe
that is is possible to find common ground on some issues among those who may have strong disagreement on others. That is why we should never demonize the person. I read in scripture the idea of condemning the sin and not the sinner. Perhaps I am not so generous, because when I see a persistency of words and actions that I think harmful I have to raise questions about the person speaking those words and doing those actions. I think at times we have to draw lines beyond which we will not go. If I believe strongly enough in something, if it is part of what makes life meaningful to me, or defines who I am, will I be willing to lose all for its sake?
I believe
that I have a responsibility to speak out. I acknowledge that the words I may offer in challenge may themselves be wrong, that my perception is as flawed as am I. If I offer pointed or questioning remarks, I must be willing to accept the consequences that may flow from those remarks. I may be ridiculed, or fired, or challenged. I may even be listened to, I may be asked for advice of what next to do, and not have an answer. But none of these should serve as reason for me NOT to speak.
I believe
that I have a responsibility to listen, even when I do not understand, especially when a person is seeking to find common ground, or to explain what they think I misunderstand, or wishes to challenge me as I challenge others.
I believe
that is incumbent upon us to speak truth to power, to those who hold high office or seek to hold high office. They need to hear from us, and if I have voice or pen or keyboard able to penetrate into the mind, heart, or psyche of someone with power and I do not use it, then I have in someway betrayed the reason I have such voice, pen, keyboard.
I believe
that I really do not fit into society. I have understood since early adolescence that my most important role in life was to challenge, provoke, prod, question. If I seek to ingratiate myself because of my insecurity or my at times almost pathological need for affirmation then I am of little use, whereas, paradoxically, even when I may make people uncomfortable by my words I have greater connection to others and less isolation within myself.
On Saturday I posted this diary in which my expressions were of a piece with what I am describing above. There were many kind words offered in response. Because of the bluntness of my language - comparing our actions in Fallujah to those of the Nazis in Lidice, for example - I felt I had a responsibility to ensure that those political figures with whom I have an association, perhaps because of work I have done on education, perhaps for other reasons, have a chance to choose to distance themselves from me. I wrote to them, with a link to the diary, as follows:
you might, as a result of how strong my feelings are and how express them, choose to disassociate yourself from me. I give you that option, and if you ask me to cease communication with you, I will honor that request.
No one has as yet made that request, which is heartening. One response sticks out, as does one comment on the diary itself. I want to share both, because they speak to what I am writing this evening.
The first was a comment, offered to me publicly by my beloved spouse:
A prophetic voice
teacherken, you speak for me, and for so many others. You have spoken in a way that is truly "prophetic," in the ancient Hebraic sense: you are crying out to the community to warn it of the danger it has incurred by straying from its deepest values, and are recalling it to those values with passion and eloquence. Thank you.
The second was an email I received this evening from an elected on the Hill whom I will not identify, but whose sentiments are similar:
Ken, I do not want to disassociate myself from you. I want to hear what you have to say...even if it is a rant. I mostly agree with you and find myself upset with myself sometime because so much of what we do here in Congress is illogical, and I go along to get along. Please continue to be our conscience now and as we get stronger and have a president we can trust and follow, it will be easier to make good things happen in this government and stop the bad things which we are having difficulty doing right now even though we want to.
I offer these remarks because
I believe
that if we speak out and communicate our public officials will listen. They need our challenges and our encouragement. They are often struggling with conflicting priorities, trying to determine on what to push and where to give.
It is arrogant of me to think I have a voice that matters, even as it is arrogant to view myself as a good teacher. In both cases I see my manifold sins and weaknesses. But
I believe
that I am capable of motivating and moving most of my students to a deeper understanding - of themselves, their minds, their own values, the society around them
and I believe
that occasionally in all the verbiage I offer I am able to strike a chord that resonates, to touch or motivate others by what I write or say.
I am tired. I will be 62 in May. I am trying to do far too much, and must let go of some things. I have probably coached my final soccer game, I will not do musical theater this year. I am leaving my position on the board of William Penn House either at the end of my term in March or when my Meeting finds a replacement, and tonight I resigned from the board of my community association. I am wrestling with what work I will be doing after this school year - I may not stay in the classroom, or even in education. I try to sort out how I can best make use of my life. Why?
I believe
that for all my weaknesses, my blind spots, my selfishness, my insecurity, I can be of service to others. Without that service I have no purpose.
I believe
that this community can be a wonderful place in which to explore - people may support you, others may challenge you. Like the larger world of which we are a microcosmic reflection, we have our bad actors, our impatient people and moments, our full panoply of human strengths and weaknesses. have grown from my participation in this community.
I believe
that it is time for me now to listen more than I speak. I will not be silent, but just as in Meeting for Worship not every thought that arises rises to the point that it should spoken from the silence of the worship, not every insight I believe I have nor every piece of good or interesting writing I encounter needs to be posted.
I believe
that there are now other good voices writing on education, so I need not feel so responsible to keep that issue before this community.
I believe
that most of those who have read what I have written will understand that I am not saying goodbye. I will not leave. But I may speak far less frequently.
I am not primarily verbal, or as Howard Gardner would put it, Verbal-Linguistic. The non-verbal expression of music is of greater importance to me, with or without words being sung.
I believe
that I need to listen to music with full attention, understanding the role that silence plays in music.
I believe
that the most important thing anyone can do is listen to their own heart.
I believe
that I am listening to mine.
Peace.