Driving home from a shooting spree tonight i saw something that has become common in america. Looking for photographic opportunities in rainy overcast weather isnt easy. You tend to wrack your brain for places long forgotten. For ideas that arent commonly done. Coming up the offramp to go home it would have been easy to miss the man and woman on the side with a sign. In the growing cold they were huddled by the railing, covered in multiple layers of dark clothes to fight the oncoming winter.
They are the people we ignore. The people we put effort into making disappear. They have signs usually. Stranded. Hungry. Will work for food. The right wing media teaches us carefully about them. That they are all lazy. Alchoholics. Drug dependant. That helping them hurts them. They'll just use it to get more drugs.. More alchohol.. more whatever. They are poor and homeless. That proves they are inferior. Beyond help. Its' all their fault.
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But i try to help. I've been there, or close you see. I spent time in the place of my dreams, the florida coast. Desperately hungry with no prospects. A tiny place to live that cost money i didnt have. The roads teaming with transients begging for help. I could never be one of them. Too much pride.. or more accurately vanity. Never asking for help.. a foolish personal motto based on distrust. So now i usually stop.
They sure look hungry.
You get funny looks from people when you help. We preach about christian values. About leftist values. But we all look at people who help through strange eyes. They must be from some christian group. Out to make converts. To grow cultists. Or maybe a drug deal. Somethings going on there. Surely noone could just stop to help without some motive. We sit self-satisfied in our car. I'll just mail a check. To the united way or goodwill. Yes after all i gave that couch/chair/washer/thing to goodwill three months ago. I have the deduction to prove it. Yes i'm a good person. They should go to a shelter after all. Oh not a shelter in my neighborhood. My neighborhood is nice and we dont want just anyone around the children. But surely there is one in the city. Yes there must be. We convince ourselves.
They sure look hungry.
So i put the $1000 camera in the passenger seat into the $100 bag with the other $2000 worth of gear. Nagging feelings of guilt.
They surely look hungry.
Its not like i dont help people. I try to give my sister 100 a week. Sometimes every two. And my mom. Its not like i'm rich. Ive wanted that jeep rubicon forever. But the vehicle is an old van. Theres that land im searching for. To build that house designed in $100 software on my second $1000 laptop of the year. How am i supposed to do that if i just toss money away? After all they'll probably use it to buy beer. And the land alone will cost $40k minimum. The house $50k just in materials. Theres the other stuff too. Being on the road all the time.. ive wanted a 25" lcd tv in my truck forever. Do i have that? No. And the idea of owning a used truck and going o/o. $25 - $60k there. Dont i deserve that? I work hard. Seventy to a hundred hours a week. Never home. Why should i give away my money?
They sure look cold.
I stopped last week. Gave them $10. Same people i think. Well there you go. They must just be drunks. The womans eyes are bloodshot. The guy looks very healthy. Clear eyes and skin. They dont look like what homeless people are supposed too. Passed one in the city today on a bench. Old. Wrinkled. Shopping cart full of junk. Thats how they're supposed to look. Him i would have given a five if he hadnt been passed out. But he's got shelters to go to right? And soup kitchens are something. Dont they still have those??
They look so hungry.
So i pull over. Side of the road at a major intersection. People are probably looking at me strangely. A guy in a cowboy hat pulled onto the median approaching those scary homeless people by the railing. Walk over.. give them a $10. The woman smiles and starts uttering bright words of thanks. I smile not hearing her words. Tip my hat and get back in the van to go home. They might buy beer or crack or who knows what. They might buy a 40 at the convenience store.. then again they might do that and use the rest for a sweater at good will. Or a couple cans of soup. Or maybe some crackers to survive the night and hoarding the rest dreaming of having good lives again. Of having an address. A job. Dignity. Friends.
It isnt about them you see. It is purely selfish. I go home and type on my laptop while watching my 32" tv. Download the pictures on one of the multiple usb drives laying about. And feel good about myself. Because you see it isnt about them. It is about me. About being a good person. Feeling like a good person. So it doesnt matter if they buy beer. Or food. Or a blanket. Theres only one thing that really matters..
They wont be hungry tonight.