From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
The Democratic Leadership's New Oath of Office:
I, [State your name], do solemnly swear, that I will faithfully warm my chair in Congress. And will, to the best of my ability, remember to put my coat on the correct peg in the cloakroom, flush after I go pee or poopies, show up to work fully clothed, brush my teeth twice a day, hold hands when crossing the street, use the plastic safety scissors instead of the sharp ones that the grownups keep in the high-up drawer, give the President all my lunch money, and use my indoor voice at all times.
I promise to collapse, cave and kowtow in the name of political calculation, even when soldiers are dying daily in a war I have the power to stop,
To convince Americans that I lack courage, conviction and common sense in the pursuit of a brass ring that can't be grabbed for another year,
To do everything in my power to meet the needs of my Republican friends and colleagues across the aisle, lest they get upset with me and give me wedgies. So help me god.
The Republican Leadership's New Oath of Office:
I, [State your name], do solemnly swear, that I will faithfully do whatever the hell I feel like and get away with it. Goddamn this is great. Oh look! There's a Democrat! Wedgie squad...Go!!!
Thank ya, Jesus!
Well, at least it's Friday. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 14, 2007
Note: Our regular note is in the shop for repairs. It is being replaced with a rental note.
Rental Note: I have no idea what I'm doing here.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Super Tuesday, Feb. 5: 53
Days 'til the annual Snodeo in Rangeley: 41
Median price of a new home in October: $217,800
Percent drop from October, 2006: -13%
(Source: CNNMoney via The Week)
Number of media stories about the baseball scandal that contain the phrase "Say it ain't so!": 4,329
Length of time our neighbor next door has left an apple to ripen on the ledge outside her kitchen window: 5 months
Number of monkeys currently using Jonah Goldberg's ass as an efficiency apartment: 3
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,103
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Mangy Mutt Montage
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CHEERS to bat boys. Because, apparently, they're the only people working for major league baseball who aren't hopped up on steroids. George Mitchell opened the can of worms yesterday by releasing a 409-page report that "describes a game in which performance-enhancing drugs have been used at a stunning depth---abuse that was ignored by people throughout baseball." The press conference was briefly interrupted when the former senator had to politely ask Roger Clemens to stop bench-pressing him.
JEERS to good bills gone bad. The energy bill that passed in the Senate was supposed to give tax breaks to clean energy industries while rolling back taxes on oil companies. Instead, tax breaks will still go to oil companies, while clean energy industries are still on their own. It's one more slap in the face of the moderate middle, and leads me to believe that the Republicans have been right all along: it really is the Democrat party. The next unlucky soul from India to call our house soliciting money for the DSCC will hang up the phone deaf in one ear.
CHEERS to Dorothy Sandbrook. The Iowa resident draws blood in a letter to USA Today:
In a recent speech, Mitt Romney said, "Freedom requires religion, just as religion requires freedom." Not only is this insulting to atheists, it also isn't true. Saudi Arabia is one of the most religious countries in the world. Under Saudi Arabia's rule of law, lawbreakers can be punished severely, including getting their hands cut off. Women are required to remain segregated from all males who are not members of their household. Women cannot get driver's licenses, and they aren't allowed to be in a car with men who are not family members. In Saudi courts, a woman's testimony is worth half that of a man's, and a woman must obtain the written consent of a male guardian to receive medical treatment.
If this is freedom, I'm moving to Canada.
Romney will face Timmah for an hour on Meet the Press Sunday. As good a test as any to find out of his "sacred underpants" are really fire-proof. (Rumor has it Russert will clench a bucket of water between his knees---a little lesson he learned after Rudy's flameout last week...)
JEERS to the black, black Republican soul. Not that you'll find this surprising, but just for the record: Bush's advisors are having a good belly-laugh over his second veto of a bill renewing and expanding the SCHIP program, which would help prevent kids from falling through cracks in the U.S. health care "system":
President Bush's veto of the SCHIP children's healthcare bill yesterday---for the second time in recent weeks---has White House advisers delighted. That's because Bush's aides say the administration is back on the offensive, blocking the majority Democrats in Congress and working Bush's will.
Bush himself was in fine form yesterday, asking cabinet members if they'd "...heard the one about the kid with leukemia, the baby with neuroblastoma and the teenager with lymphoma who walk into a juvenile cancer center." The punchline had the White House cleaning crew sopping up spewed coffee for hours.
CHEERS to a Maine politician who makes Susan Collins look like a cockroach in heels. Happy 110th birthday to Maine's own Margaret Chase Smith. She was the first woman to serve in both the U.S. House and Senate, and the first Senator to call Joseph McCarthy a douchebag (or something like it). Get a load of these words from 1950:
I don't want to see the Republican Party ride to political victory on the Four Horsemen of Calumny---Fear, Ignorance, Bigotry and Smear.
I doubt if the Republican Party could---simply because I don't believe the American people will uphold any political party that puts political exploitation above national interest. Surely we Republicans aren't that desperate for victory.
I don't want to see the Republican Party win that way. While it might be a fleeting victory for the Republican Party, it would be a more lasting defeat for the American people. Surely it would ultimately be suicide for the Republican Party and the two-party system that has protected our American liberties from the dictatorship of a one party system.
Yeah. They'd be crazy to try that.
CHEERS to cleaning up after Senator Cockroach-in-heels. Susan Collins was considered the perfect chairperson for the Homeland Security committee because Bush and Cheney knew she'd sit there like a pile of wet laundry and let war-profiteering swirl around her unimpeded. (Her replacement, Joe Lieberman, is just as bad.) Her rival in next year's senate race, Rep. Tom Allen, is so fed up he's taken matters into his own hands, establishing an independent Commission on Wartime Contracting:
"Our legislation reasserts the accountability that previous Congresses failed to demand from the Bush Administration for six years. In the midst of World War II, the greatest armed struggle in history, Harry Truman rooted out corruption by defense contractors that saved billions of dollars and revealed equipment deficiencies that might have cost thousands of American military their lives. We owe the American people the same level of scrutiny and care today over the hundreds of billions of dollars our government pays to private contractors."
It passed Wednesday night. Score one for the good guys.
P.S. Just a suggestion, Congressman, but you might want to start with the $32 million contract that was given to a Florida company to not build a military base in Iraq. I'm sure they'd enjoy giving you back all that loot---plus fines and interest---to not see the inside of a jail cell.
CHEERS to freedom's Kevlar vest. On tomorrow's date in 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect. To mark the occasion, today President Bush promised that, once he leaves office, he'll take five minutes to sit down and read it. Y’know, just to see what all the hubbub's about.
JEERS to policies of convenience (via Pam's House Blend). Sunday night on 60 Minutes, Leslie Stahl reports on the military's habit of looking the other way during wartime when it comes to gay service members (I know...big shocker). Among those featured is Army Sergeant Darren Manzella, who was told that gay is OK:
He turned over pictures of him and his boyfriend, including video of a passionate kiss, to aid the investigation. But to his surprise, "I was told to go back to work. There was no evidence of homosexuality," says Manzella. "'You're not gay,'" he says his superiors told him. This response confused him and, he says, the closest a superior officer came to addressing his sexuality was to say "I don't care if you're gay or not."
Translation: "I don’t care if you're gay or not until the shooting stops. Then your pansy ass is gone." So predictable you can set your watch to it.
CHEERS to the messenger attacking the messenger-attackers. Al Gore to critics who said his home wasn't energy-efficient enough: Fuck off. In so many words.
JEERS to losing my movie mojo. The Golden Globe nominations were announced yesterday and, like the L.A. Critics' and N.Y. Critics' noms, I can't give a crap about this year's crop. Next year the Hollywood Foreign Press Association should just ditch the pretense and nominate People Magazine's Sexiest People Alive. But there is a silver lining: at least the damn awards show ends on time.
CHEERS to Alabammy! The "Banjo On My Knee State" celebrates its 188th birthday today. The list of famous people who sprung from the state's loins is fairly long, including Martin Luther King Jr., Jimmy Buffett, Rosa Parks, Hank Aaron, Nat King Cole, and Helen Keller (who graces Alabama's 2003 state quarter). And then there's Judge Roy Moore. Oh well...we all have our crazy uncles.
JEERS to getting sucker-punched under the mistletoe. Guess what, gang? Bill O'Reilly says we secular progressives lost the war on Christmas. Hey! I said, we lost the war on Christmas!!! Man, I hate it when you yawn while I'm talking.
CHEERS to good fortunes. Four hundred and fifty two years ago today, Nostradamus predicted that December 14, 2007 would mark his 504th birthday. Scary.
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One Year Ago in C&J: December 14, 2006...
GET WELL SOON to Tim Johnson. The Democratic Senator from South Dakota suffered strange symptoms yesterday that rendered him unable to function. It’s our hope that he’s simply pulling a joke by imitating the 109th Congress. (But you can cut it out now...we get it.)
JEERS to the North Pool. Climate scientists suggest that the top of the world could be ice-free in 30 years. Nice knowin’ ya, Santa.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to new discoveries. One of the real joys in life for a blogger is to stumble on a new website and instantly fall in love. Yesterday I had that experience when I found nakedmenchanginglightbulbs.com. Since that's not everyone's cup of tea, here's another one that's pretty good, too: a blog chock-full of visual snark called Dependable Renegade. Bookmark it, baby...and be kewl.
P.S. Actually, I just Googled "Naked men changing light bulbs" and I appear to be the first inhabitant of that island. Trademark dibs! Trademark dibs!
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Have a great weekend. Run through the streets in a diaper screaming "I'm a misfit toy! I'm a misfit toy!" Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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