I don't know about you, but I'm in a rut.
Time was, some forty or fifty thousand UIDs ago, that one could log onto dKos and find several good pie recipes posted on a daily basis. "Old-timers honored the unspoken dictum that if a poll did not have a "pie" option, pie must be provided in the comments!
How did "pie" come about? Too many kossacks don't seem to know the answer to that, but, as is often the case, dkosopedia is our friend and provides the answer.
Unfortunately, the Great Partisan War of '07-'08 has changed everything. All-too-often there is, alas, no pie. Even worse, I've begun to discover that, when I address a comment in a diary with a poll that has no pie, I'm finding myself using the same three or four recipes over and over, to make my point: "Transparent Pie", "Water Pie" and "Hypocrite Pie", most especially. Put another way, I'm in a rut, folks, and I need some help expanding my Pie Recipe Box!
And so, on the other side, I present to you a beginning Pie Recipe File, using some of my old standbys, with usage guidelines:
A brief word on guidelines for use, before we begin: I use the word "slung" as in "slinging hash" because not only is it a euphemism for "serving up", but the more literal definition is pretty much all we do around here these days: sling stuff at one another.
TRANSPARENT PIE
Transparent Pie is, really, is one of the two easiest pies to sling, because there's so much transparent hackery going on in the diaries and comments. One example: people who pretend to to be neutral but who are so transparently anti-(candidate's name). Sling Transparent Pie at will, but be warned that if your use of Transparent Pie is, well, transparent, you'll likely be getting it slung back at you.
Transparent Pie
Preheat oven to 450 F.
Prepare a 9" pie crust
Cream:
1 1/3 c. sugar
3 Tbs. melted butter
1 c. corn syrup
4 eggs
1/2 t. salt
For Flavor add: EITHER 1 tsp. vanilla, 1 Tbs. Lemon Juice OR 2 Tbs. tart jelly (currant works well)
Pour mixture into unbaked pie shell. Bake at 450 for 5 mins. Then reduce heat to 375 and bake for 30-35 more minutes, or until knife inserted between edge and center comes out clean. Be careful not to over-bake.
HYPOCRITE PIE
The other "easy to sling" pie in our Recipe File, Hypocrite Pie may be slung at hypocrites. Easy enough, but inquiring minds will want to know
"Why is it called Hypocrite Pie?" Well, It makes you think it's a custard pie, but it is really something else. Kinda like those "I'm pretending to be neutral, but any simple search of my diaries and comments logs will expose my bias" facades. Use Hypocrite Pie at will, but beware lest you end up eating Humble Pie someday.
Hypocrite Pie
You'll need:
9" unbaked deep dish crust
Cover about 3 cups dried apples with water cook in covered pot until apples are tender and water is absorbed, stirring. (add more water as needed)
Add:
1/2 cup sugar
3/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp cloves
Mix well and spoon into bottom of crust
Make egg custard topping, in a saucepan combine:
2 beaten eggs +
½ cup sugar +
1 tsp cornstarch
1 cup milk +
1 tsp vanilla +
1 tsp butter
Heat on LOW heat until mixture is just warm. Pour over apples and bake On lower rack 325° 30 minutes (or until custard is done)
IMPOSSIBLE PIE
Impossible Pie is one of those utilitarian pies, best slung when outrageous claims are made by a candidate's partisans. An example: XXXXX will get us out of Iraq, by January 23rd! S/he said so and I absolutely believe it because s/he is a person of the utmost integrity and would never lie or mislead, simply to gain a partisan voter advantage!" In such instances, sling Impossible Pie at will.
Impossible Pie
Impossible b/c it's a type of pie that makes it’s own crust! so here is that perfect pie recipe to try for all you crust-o-phobes out there. So what happens is that while it’s baking, a crust-like layer bakes out where it’s touching the pie pan. Then you can serve up slices that look like crust, filing and topping... voila! magic!
You need:
one greased 9" pie pan
½ C flour
½ tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
½ C sugar
7 TB margarine
4 eggs
1 C coconut
2 C milk
1 T vanilla
Blend all ingredients in blender until mixed well. Pour into the greased pie pan. bake at 400° For 30 minutes, or until custard is set.
WATER PIE
Not dissimilar from Impossible Pie, Water Pie is best slung when making a point that some claim or position simply doesn't "carry water". HOWEVER! Water Pie is definitely not a one-sling pie; the beauty of Water Pie is that it can also be slug to great advantage when a candidate or a candidate's partisan is attempting to "make something out of nothing". As an example: "*My* candidate is the best candidate for proving that Dems are strong on terra and strong on defense, because my candidate played with toy guns when a child! So neener, neener, neener!" Sling that Water Pie at those nothings!
Water Pie
you need a 9" pie shell
1 c sugar
½ c flour
1 ½ c boiling water (yeah, really)
pinch of salt
2 TB butter or margarine
nutmeg to taste
Mix sugar, flour and salt. Add boiling water slowly, stirring constantly. Pour in the pie shell and dot with butter, sprinkle generously with nutmeg. Bake in preheated 375 degree oven for about 40 minutes. Cool before serving.
TRASH PIE
Trash Pie? Well, there's certainly a lot of garbage being thrown around out there, so the most eloquent response is simply to sling some Trash Pie. It even has the advantage of being versatile: everyone, whether gay/straight, atheist/believer, vegan/carnivore, produces his/her share of garbage, so everyone can receive a pie made of their own trash.
Trash Pie
(vegetarian style; add a pound of browned ground beef, if you want..
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
These go in:
2 2/3 cups of vegetables.
(potatoes o'brien, spinach, onion, bell pepper, etc: basically, just a mix of whatever you have in the freezer or fridge...
1 cup grated cheese. Cheddar, Swiss - again, your choice...
1 cup milk (or soy)
2 eggs (or egg substitute)
1/2 cup Bisquick
Just dump the entire mess into a bowl, stir it around a bit, pour it into a (non-stick or greased) pie pan, and stuff it in the oven until the top starts to brown -- about 40 minutes.
XXXXXGATE PIE
Adapted, of course, from the mid-70s "Watergate" series of desserts - Watergate Cake (complete with "cover-up" frosting), Watergate Salad and Watergate Pie - often found at picnics and potlucks, this recipe is rumored to have been so named because, it's full of nuts, just like the Watergate scandal was comprised of a bunch of nutcases.
In this case, "Xxxxxgate Pie may be slung whenever partisans of one or another candidate attempt to create a "-gate" out of anything and everything.
XXXXXGATE PIE
FOR THE CRUST
• 1 cup walnuts
• 8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
FOR THE FIRST FILLING
• 1 1/2 cups heavy cream
• 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
• 1 large marshmallow
• 1/2 pound cream cheese, room temperature
• 1 cup confectioners' sugar, sifted
• 2 to 3 tablespoons sugar, or to taste
FOR THE SECOND FILLING
• 2 (3-ounce) packages instant pistachio pudding mix
• 2 1/2 cups milk
• 2 tablespoons slivered unsalted pistachios, for garnish
Directions
Preheat the oven to 350°F
To make the crust add the walnuts to the bowl of a food processor and pulse several times to chop finely. Add the butter and flour, process to combine and form a dough. Press into a deep dish pie plate. Bake until the crust is golden brown, 25 to 20 minutes. Set aside to cool completely.
Meanwhile, to make the first filling, use a free-standing or handheld electric mixer to whip the cream and vanilla until soft peaks form. In a microwave oven, cook the marshmallow until soft, about 10 seconds Beat the softened marshmallow into the whipped cream, to stabilize.
Using an electric mixer, mix together 1 cup of the whipped cream, the softened cream cheese and the confectioners' sugar Spread the mixture over the bottom of the crust. Mix the remaining whipped cream with the granulated sugar and set aside.
To make the second filling, in a medium bowl, whisk together the pudding mix and the milk until smooth and thickened, 3 to 4 minutes. Pour the pudding over the cream cheese layer. Top with the remaining whipped cream and sprinkle with silvered pistachios Refrigerate for several hours and serve chilled.
GRAVEL PIE
Ok, I admit it - I only threw this pie in the Pie Recipe File because Mike Gravel does still have one or two partisans out there. If you can find a reason to sling Gravel Pie, go for it.
Gravel Pie
Preheat oven to 325 F.
Use a prebaked 9" pie shell
Sprinkle bottom with:
1/2 c. raisins
Combine and cook in a double boiler:
1 c. brown sugar OR molasses OR honey
1/2 c. hot water
3 beaten eggs
Cool and Pour into a pie shell
Sprinkle the following alternately over pie
1 c. cookie or cake crumbs (save some for last)
1/3 c. flour cut with 1/3 c. soft butter
1/2-1 t. cinnamon
1/4 t. nutmeg
1/8 t. ginger
Bake 20-30 minutes.
THANKSGIVING PIE
The Thanksgiving Pie recipe may be slung in any "anti-(candidate's name) diary as a way to express our thanks that we have a wealth of viable candidates, any one of whom will stand head-and-shoulders above any of the Repug candidates. It is strictly forbidden that the Thanksgiving Pie recipe be used post-priamary against the partisans of losing candidates. Once the final Dem candidate is chosen via the primary process, the Thanksgiving Pie recipe may be used as a unifying force to praise our candidate in any diary which predicts his/her loss (as in, "I'm giving thanks that s/he is our candidate; s/he will fight the good fight against the Repug candidate). Warning: abuse of the Thanksgiving Pie recipe will be a ban-able offense! (C'mon, Kos, give me the f***ing power!)
Thanksgiving Pie
Crust:
1 (9- or 10-inch) pie crust, prepared or made from scratch.
Filling:
3 apples (use a soft, sweet variety like McIntosh or other sauce variety)
1 (12-ounce) package fresh whole cranberries
1 cup light brown sugar
Topping:
3/4 cup walnuts
1/4 cup light brown sugar
1/4 cup white flour
3 tablespoons butter, softened or cut into bits
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon salt
• Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.
• Prepare the piecrust and fit into a 9- or 10-inch pie pan.
• Peel, core and dice the apples.
• Place the apple pieces in a large bowl with the cranberries and 1 cup of light brown sugar; mix well and place into the pie shell.
• Place the walnuts in the bowl of a food processor fitted with the steel blade; pulse for 5 seconds.
• Add the remaining ingredients and pulse until blended but still crumbly. (If you don't have a food processor, chop the nuts by hand and blend them with the rest of ingredients with the back of a large spoon.)
• Spoon the topping all over the pie.
• Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes, then lower the temperature to 350 degrees for 30 more minutes; cover with foil to prevent the topping from darkening too much.
And here we come to it - the two pie recipes we've all been waiting for -
The real question is, however, which candidate's dKos partisans will have the privilege of using the first of these recipes?
I'm speaking, of course, of Crow Pie
Crow Pie can not be slung in dKos until after one of the candidates has wrapped up the nomination. Waring As with Thanksgiving Pie, the misuse of Crow Pie will be a ban-able offense! (c'mon Kos, gimme the f***ing power already!).
CROW PIE
Crow Pie
1 crow
stuffing of your choice
salt and pepper
shortening
flour
2 Pie crust mixes
2-3 hard-boiled eggs
Stuff the crow. Loosen joints with a knife but do not cut through.
Simmer the crow in a stew-pan, with enough water to cover, until nearly tender, then season with salt and pepper. Remove meat from bones and set aside.
Prepare pie crusts as directed. (Do not bake)
Make a medium thick gravy with flour, shortening, and juices in which the crow has cooked and let cool.
Line a pie plate with pie crust and line with slices of hard-boiled egg. Place crow meat on top. Layer gravy over the crow. Place second pie dough crust over top.
Bake at 450 degrees for 1/2 hour.
And finally, Crow's fellow pie, Humble.
HUMBLE PIE
The oh-so-humble pie. Whose partisans, when their candidate finally loses or pulls out, will eat it, and will unreservedly give their sweat, blood and treasure to the party nominee? Waring: Humble Pie is not to be slung by the victors. Humble Pie is to be offered freely, accepted graciously and dined upon in a spirit of reconciliation. Any abuse of the use of Humble Pie will be a ban-able offense! (Dammit Kos, where's my f***ing power, already!?)
Humble Pie
- 2 lbs round steak, cut into bite-sized pieces
- one large onion, peeled, chopped
- two carrots, peeled and sliced
- one large parsnip, peeled and sliced
- one red or yellow bell pepper, minced
- 1 cup beef stock
- one cup tomato juice
- 1 tsp minced garlic
- 3 tbsp cornstarch
Spices: 2 tsp paprika, 1 tsp pepper, 1 tsp salt, 1 bay leaf
One package prepared pie pastry (or make your own)
One egg, beaten, to glaze crust
Directions:
Season the pieces of steak with pepper, then brown the meat in a large skillet using a small amount of vegetable oil. Set the browned meat aside. Place the vegetables and garlic in the skillet and cook until softened. Return the browned meat to the skillet, add the beefstock, bay leaf, salt, remaining pepper, and tomato juice, and tomato juice and stir until hot. Season with salt and pepper. Cover and place in the oven for 1 – 1¼ hours or until the meat is tender. Mix the cornflour with ¼ cup cold water and stir into casserole to thicken. Add the chopped pepper and simmer for 5 minutes. Cool well. (Note: pastry put onto hot meat will have a soggy layer underneath when cooked.) Place the cold meat mixture in a pie dish. Cover with rolled pastry. Brush with beaten egg or milk. Bake at 2000 for about 30 minutes, until pastry is crisp and golden. Cook’s Tip Add chopped herbs such as parsley or thyme to the casserole if wished. Serves 6 1 lb round steak, cubed 1/4 c all-purpose flour 1/2 ts salt 1/8 ts pepper 1 c regular strength beef broth 1 ea medium potato 2 ea medium carrots 1 ea small onion, minced 1 ea egg optional
Peel and cut potato in 1/2 inch dice. Peel and slice carrots. If using egg, beat with 1 Tbsp water. Mix flour, salt and pepper. Put in plastic bag with cubed steak. Shake until meat is coated. Save any remaining flour. Heat large skillet or Dutch oven with a little butter. Add meat. Cook, stirring frequently until browned. Stir in reserved flour. Drain mushroom liquid into a measuring cup. Add broth to measure 1 cup. Add to meat. Bring to a boil. Cover. Simmer, stirring frequently for 1 hour or until meat is tender. Add more broth if beef becomes dry. Turn into a 9- inch pie plate. Distribute mushrooms, potato, carrots and onion evenly over meat. Add 1/2 cup broth. Roll 2/3 of pastry in circle 1/2-inch larger than pie plate. Put on top of filling. Cut steam vents. Brush with water-egg mixture. Roll out remaining pastry and cut decorative shapes to arrange on pie. Bake at 400F for 35 - 40 minutes or until browned.
This recipe and a history of Humble Pie can be found here.
You got your own pie recipe to add to the Pie Recipe File? Feel free: