I've finally struck upon
the way to make Social Security solvent for all eternity (or until Bush touches off a nuclear war that leads to the total annihilation of Earth, in which case, we won't care anyway):
Reduce our life expectancy!
I know what you're thinking...
"That's brilliant, Bob!"
Well, shucks... Thanks!
(And if you're not thinking that, go f*** yourself.)
So how will this new plan work?
(more)
Well, at the risk of being redundant...
We die sooner!
Simple as that. And we don't just want those at highest risk dying sooner. Those folks are already bowing out before they collect. If you're an African-American male living in a high-crime urban area, chances are you're already doing your part.
It's the rest of who need to contribute to the cause!
A larger percentage of us need to kick the bucket before we reach age 65.
Why?
Look at this chart. Back in the good, old days of the Great Depression, our national average life expectancy was 59.7 years. By 2001, that had soared to 77.2!
(Of course, that was before our Fearless Leader® really cranked up his perpetual war machine. Every new day in Iraq brings a lower life expectancy for all Americans! So thanks for helping out, Mr. President!)
But that phenomenal growth in our national longevity has put the future of Social Security in serious jeopardy.
So how can we accomplish the worthwhile goal of lowering our life expectancy?
My simple Bob Johnson Five-Point Plan to Save Social Security:
1. Drink more alcohol.
Every damn day. If you're not knocking back a bottle of gin or a sixer (or maybe a twelver, for the bigger folks out there) daily, you're slacking off. Get with the program! Live a little (while you still can). [NOTE: For those who enjoy drugs -- legal or illegal -- please help out by doing more of those drugs.]
2. Eat more fast food.
If you haven't seen Supersize Me!, rent it. And then follow Morgan Spurlock's example and eat yourself to death on the bounty of America!
3. Drive faster... Much faster!
Pretend you're the late Dale Earnhardt. (No disrespect intended.) Dale did his bit for the future of Social Security. And driving really, really fast can be a helluva' lot of fun! Pedal to the metal, folks!
4. Enjoy more risky sexual behavior.
Not only is it fun picking up street hustlers, the sheer danger only adds more "kick" to the end result. (I'm not speaking from personal experience, but it's a thrilling way to contract any number of serious, degenerative diseases.)
5. Stop wearing clothes.
Go naked... everywhere. Winter, summer, whatever. True, you may get arrested. But then, you can do your part by becoming a player in Alberto Gonzales' latest experiment in democracy: torture chambers. And if you manage to avoid arrest, at some point you'll probably catch one hell of a cold that will lead to pneumonia. Those of us who are white (and I'm Irish... as about as white as they come) will face melanoma, too!
So that's it folks. Our chance to help save Social Security begins today. Right here. Right now. I'm pouring myself a stiff drink.
And remember our new motto:
Live fast. Die young. And leave a good-looking corpse.
Crisis solved.
[Cross-posted from Liberal Street Fight.]