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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
We wrote this in C&J one year ago today:
"All Ears Alert! You probably know this, but it's worth repeating: `The O'Franken Factor' airs at noon today on Air America. Man, I hope this network succeeds. There's no reason why the right-wing wackos should have the full run of our radio waves. Speaking as a former program director, there's only one rule they need to follow, in my opinion: HAVE FUN. IT'S CONTAGIOUS."
One year later---despite a rocky start---Air America boasts 51 affiliates, including stations in most of the top 10 markets. Their web site is vastly improved, with blogs galore. And isn't it funny how Bill O'Reilly and the rest of the right-wing poopoo machine have gone strangely silent. Funny indeed.
So Happy Birthday, Al, Katherine, Janeane, Randi and everyone at Air America. You're having fun...and it's contagious.
Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended Entry section... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, March 31, 2005...
NOTE: C&J enters a new era today. Our links now conform to the strict standards of the Brussels Blogger Code established in Versailles in 1925. Oh...and we've stopped testing our punch lines on animals. Most of `em, anyway. Here, kitty kitty...
By the Numbers:
Days til we turn our clocks ahead one hour: 3
Days `til "Play ball!": 3
Days til the start of the Masters golf tourney: 7
Number of times the F-word was used in season one of `Deadwood': 831
(Source: C&J'er Mentaldebris. Did you personally count them all??)
Percent of Americans who don't test their fire alarms regularly: 80%
Percent of U.S. families who keep bleach and other household chemicals where small children can easily reach them: 69%
(Source: Home Safety Council survey)
Pounds of Maine lobster caught in 2004: 63.2 million (A record)
Number of lobsters that escaped in the "Great October Breakout": 212
Your Puppy Pic of the Day "Three more days...three more days...three more days..." WagWagWag
CHEERS to timely departures. Today is the last day of March, a month frought with snow, rain, wind, Schiavo-fixated ghouls (rest in peace, Terri. Sorry for all the fuss) and, on a personal note, car trouble and sciatica. Years from now we hope to look back on this month with great...amnesia.
JEERS to missing the mark. The Commission on Weapons of Mass Destruction releases its report today. The verdict, which a 5 year-old could have figured out: "The U.S. was dead wrong." The commission's remedy (link): Presidential Medals of Freedom for everybody. C&J's remedy: Fire somebody already!!!! Aw, rats...anyone know how to reinsert a vein back into a brain stem?
CHEERS to the Campaign for America's Future. In their new TV ad---which starts running in selected cities today---they make Tom Delay look mighty reckless: link That's right, kids...he's goin' down for not using an antimicrobial hand soap. Fool.
CHEERS to true-blue Democrats. America's 43rd President, Al Gore, turns 57 today. And Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy is 65. We sent them each a present they'll love: A George Bush piñata (for Gore) and a Dick Cheney piñata (for Leahy). And two really big sticks.
JEERS to Business as usual. Message to cubicle dwellers: "We're cutting benefits, downsizing and outsourcing (oh, and you'll be training your New Delhi replacement)." Message to CEOs: "Partyyyyy! Median salary rises 25% to $14 million! Whoop Whoop!!" (link) Message from us to them: "May you choke on your caviar at the farthest green from the clubhouse."
CHEERS to donkey balls. My morning paper tells me that the Democrats on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee are going to vote in lock-step against the nomination of John "Dick" Bolton as U.N. Ambassador next week. You'll forgive my cynicism, but...I'll believe it when I see it.
JEERS to the awful truth. Over 1,300 scientists from around the world say we've used up two-thirds of all the world's natural resources: link. Says the Guardian: "In effect, one species is now a hazard to the other 10 million or so on the planet, and to itself." In other words, gang, we have met the Earth's true parasites...and they is us.
CHEERS to champions of the little guy. Happy 78th birthday to the late Cesar Chavez. He founded the National Farm Workers Association, which gave a voice to migrant farm workers. Pay your respects here. No snarky punchline from us...just this thought: Man, do we need more people like him today.
JEERS to coming late to the party. Maine Governor John Baldacci will sign a statewide gay rights bill into law today, making ours the last state in New England to have one on the books. (Click here and take the Press Herald's poll.) Now the head of the Christian Civic League, Michael "There should be an `en' at the end of my name" Heath, will gather signatures for a citizens referendum to overturn it. But only if he escapes from our basement.
CHEERS to the miracle of audio. Oh, this is lovely. Click here to hear Sean Hannity---secretly recorded---call a U.S. Congressman a bad name (yeah, really bad). Moms across America: if you don't want your kid to turn out like this creep, give `em a hug...Now.
JEERS to taking care of each other...or not. The benefits consulting firm The Hay Group (via The Week magazine) reports that the percentage of U.S. companies who kick in for health insurance is dropping like a rock. Only 17 percent paid 100% of benefits in 2004 (down from 29% in 2000). Says one consultant: " If you want a Cadillac plan, go work for the government." The way things are going, most of us would settle for a beat-up Chevy plan.
CHEERS to burgers for burglars. New Scientist magazine says that people who break into homes will often stop and eat a snack while they're ransacking. Police often nab these dummies because they leave DNA on the food scraps they leave behind. C&J's method of ID'ing burglars who break into our house is a little more reliable---it's called an autopsy.
CHEERS to the Sale of the Sith. Saturday the first `Star Wars: Episode III' collectibles go on sale at Target, Wal-Mart and Toys-BackwardR-Us. Click here for a preview, my Jedi apprentice. Memo to small children: calmly step aside for Darth Bill and no one gets vaporized.
JEERS to having to think about this stuff. Got a living will? If not, this week's Newsweek is a good place to start: link. For the record, C&J does not want to be kept alive with a creamed corn feeding tube if our brain turns to mush. Just stick a funnel directly into our cerebral cortex and fill `er up with Bacardi and Coke. And fer God's sake, quit lookin' at your watches while we're---hic!---lingering.
C&J Flashback: March 31, 2004...
CHEERS to Meteor Blades. Pens the most important health column of the week---from personal experience, no less: Click here. Over 100,000 people will drop dead from a sudden death heart attack this year. C&J is relieved Meteor wasn't one of them (but did you have to come so darn close?). Message: if you do nothing else...take your fish oil. [3/31/05 Update: One year and one Koufax Award later, MB remains the Indiana Jones of the blogosphere. And I'm glad I'm not on the receiving end of his bullwhip.]
And just one more...
JEERS to animal cruelty. "I don't know how. I don't know when. But I do know this. One day I am going to kill them's that did this. All of them."
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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