From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
A Break
Two wild primaries are behind us. President Cuckoo Bananas is overseas. Congress is safely locked in the basement. Nice quiet time of the day. Perfect opportunity to switch off politics for a moment and dive into the awful goodness of the 2007 Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest, "a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels." From the crap of the crop:
Children's Literature runner-up
Mary had a little lamb; its fleece was Polartec 200 (thanks to gene splicing, a diet of force-fed petrochemical supplements, and regular dips in an advanced surface fusion polymer), which had the fortunate side effect of rendering it inedible, unlike that other Mary's organic lamb which misbehaved at school and wound up in a lovely Moroccan stew with dried apricots and couscous.
---Julie Jensen/Lodi, CA
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Vile Puns winner
I was in a back alley in Fiji, fighting desperately and silently for my life, fighting desperately for oxygen, clawing at the calm and almost gentle pressure of the fabric held over my face by implacable, ebony thighs when I realized -- he was killing me softly with his sarong.
---Karl Scott/Brisbane, Australia
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Miscellaneous dishonorable mention
"I'll have a pack of cigarettes please, no, Marlboro 100's . . . lights please, in a box, yeah, no, wait, give me a soft pack, no, not those, the ones right above them, no, no, right next to those, yeah, wait, make it two packs, no wait, how much are they . . . no, one pack will do me, and a lighter please, no the other one, yeah, that one will be fine," he said quickly.
---Shane Spears/Blytheville, AR
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Grand Prize
Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee.
---Jim Gleeson/Madison, WI
That was fun. Now back to the savagery. Troll ratings for everyone.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 11, 2008
Note: Instead of another debate, I think the remaining Democratic candidates should play a game of Operation. 'Cause, man, that's pressure.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Fat Tuesday: 25
Days 'til the Chinese New Year (Year of Joe Lieberman the rat): 27
Percent of board seats occupied by women at Norway's top 500 companies: 35%
Percent of board seats occupied by women in the top 500 U.S. firms: 15%
(Source: Wall Street Journal via The Week)
Number of 12-25 year-olds who used cough syrup to get high in 2006: 3.1 million
(Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration)
New vehicles sold in 2007: 16.1 million (down 2.5% from 2006)
The last year during which sales were that low: 1998
(Source: Autodata)
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,131
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The real Phantom of the Opera revealed.
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CHEERS to a new passenger on the bus (via Kossack NonnyO). Maine Congressman Mike Michaud has climbed aboard the impeachment bandwagon. Well, mostly. He's giving Bush a pass but he still wants Cheney's head on a platter:
Michaud, who represents Maine’s 2nd District, expressed his position in a letter to House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers of Michigan last month. In it, Michaud charged that there was "no doubt" that the Bush administration had "dangerously expanded the scope of executive authority" and flouted "the constitutionally defined separation of powers."
Michaud said that serious allegations had been raised against the vice president regarding his role in providing "mischaracterizing information" in the run-up to the invasion of Iraq five years ago as well as the nuclear weapons capabilities of Iran. He also cited the political retaliation against former CIA officer Valerie Plame, the abuse of detainees in contravention of the Geneva Convention and the illegal wiretapping of American citizens as other reasons for moving forward with hearings.
To view Michaud's entire list of transgressions, see pages 2 through 400.
JEERS to one less wrestler in the ring. Governor Bill Richardson officially bowed out of the presidential race yesterday. But he still plans to do sleepovers with every Democrat in America. Be warned: he yodels in his sleep.
CHEERS to clearing the smoke. Forty three years ago today, U.S. Surgeon General Luther Terry issued the first government report saying smoking may be hazardous to your health (which was quite a shock to some of tobacco's most fervent supporters back then: doctors). The result:
The landmark Surgeon General's report on smoking and health stimulated a greatly increased concern about tobacco on the part of the American public and government policymakers and led to a broad-based anti-smoking campaign. ... The report was also responsible for the passage of the Cigarette Labeling and Advertising Act of 1965, which, among other things, mandated the familiar Surgeon General's health warnings on cigarette packages.
To the average smoker, of course, the warnings read like this: "Blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah. Blah blah." I say we do what Canada does and put graphic photos of diseased gums on their packs. Better yet, a photo of Mitch McConnell.
CHEERS to carnage reduction. If these numbers are to be believed (who knows?), the civilian death toll in the three years after Bush launched his petty war-to-avenge-Daddy was only 151,000, contradicting other surveys that put the toll higher. What a relief. For a while there I thought the death toll would be shocking and tragic and senseless.
CHEERS to the right hand not knowing what the other right hand is doing. I read this morning, via David Brooks's column, that "continual tax cuts can no longer be the centerpiece of Republican economic policy," and that "Republican candidates are shifting focus right now." Perhaps, David dear, you should've told that to the candidates before last night's debate. AP:
GOP rivals back tax, spending cuts in SC
Republican presidential rivals backed a blend of tax and spending cuts Thursday night to head off an election-year recession they generally agreed is avoidable.
Look on the bright side, Bobo: you get the sandbox all to yourself.
JEERS to bailouts that should've never been necessary. Bank of America is buying America's largest and least gravity-proof mortgage lender, Countrywide Financial, for six billion dollars. No, wait...five billion dollars. No, wait...four billion dollars. No, wait...five dollars and a ham sandwich. Quick---somebody sign the goddam papers!!
CHEERS to the not-so-artful dodger. Happy 253rd birthday to Alexander Hamilton. He was one of our country's youngest Founding Fathers, but he wasn't very good at avoiding controversy (adultery, over-scheming in the 1800 election) or ye olde musket ball. Pay your respects here. Or you can just pull out a ten-spot and give it a pat.
CHEERS to the adventurer who peaked early. Sir Edmund Hillary has died at 88. Fifty five years ago he and his Sherpa guide Tenzing Norgay---dressed in nothing but shorts and burlap earmuffs---became the first non-mountain goats to reach the top of Mount Everest. (Today the route has become so well-worn---just follow the trail of discarded trash and oxygen tanks---that they're building a banquet hall at the top for birthday parties and wedding receptions.) I hope they remember to bury him with a rope and an ice pick---he'll no doubt want to forgo the escalator and take the long way up to the hereafter.
JEERS to too much information. Glenn Beck had surgery on his ass the other day. Sadly, doctors weren't able to remove his head, so crap will continue to spew out of his mouth. Sorry...were you eating?
CHEERS to Texans with Teeth. Happy birthday to progressive watchdog Jim Hightower, who turns 65 today. One of his book titles ought to be the mantra of the Democratic party: "There's Nothing in the Middle of the Road but Yellow Stripes and Dead Armadillos." His web site is chock-full of righteous rants against the hypocritical and the power-mad. Since you're in Austin, sir, you will come see us in July, right? (Don't make us have to come and get ya...it's not pretty.)
CHEERS to the heat of the moment. Our landlord, in a shocking move, sprung for a new furnace for our apartment building, and it was installed on Wednesday. We love it. It's smaller and quieter than the old one, and it'll save a ton of money on heating-oil bills. Mainly because it runs on kittens.
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Two Years Ago in C&J: January 11, 2006...
JEERS to Samuel Alito. Let's see if I can sum up his strategy for winning confirmation: "I won't answer any easy questions because they might lead to hard ones." Brilliant. Now I see why Bush likes him so much.
JEERS to Journalingus 101. Pay attention...this is how things apparently work now in the cubicles at the Washington Post:
...If the Post reports that Bush says "the earth is flat, the sky is red, and the moon is made of green cheese," the Post is under no obligation to include information rebutting each of these false claims, as long as it includes mention of someone disagreeing with one of them.
Are you sure about the moon? Really???
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And just one more...
CHEERS to one helluva welcome. This find from Kossack PBen, posted in yesterday's C&J comments, deserves an encore:
HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam. Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands. HEMA also has stores in Belgium, Luxemburg, and Germany.
In June of last year, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital. Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch, but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.
Click and enjoy. It is very cool. It reminds me of how Congress operates. Minus the careful planning, coordination and innovation.
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Have a weekend full of sin and debauchery. And if you want to keep your children out of therapy, DON'T take them here. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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