Many valiant electrons have been sacrificed trying to convince us to get behind one of the 3 remaining viable candidates for our party's nomination for the 2008 presidential race (sorry Mr. Gravel). But how to choose among such worthy alternatives? Who deserves the task of cleaning out the Augean Stables that Bush has made of our once shining nation? Emotions are running higher than GWB at a Yale frat party around here, and it's time we apply cool reason and logic to solve this conundrum. Venture below the fold, where I apply my butterknife-sharp tools of reason to help you decide!

The best way to demonstrate my acumen, and avoid giving the impression that I don't have any idea what I'm blathering about here, is to pretend to consider the potential nominees dispassionately, using logic and science and stuff. As you may have noticed, all your smartest sciencey types like to use letters to talk about real things, like "let X be the IQ of the average American, and 1/X the IQ of the President". Sprinkling your conversation with these so-called "variables" instantly makes what you're saying sound much more profound. Observe:

If you are with your friend Bea, and you happen to see some puppies, say the following to your friend:

"A B, C D puppies?"

Your friend, who is naturally skeptical, should reply, "L! M N O puppies!"

And you close with "Y S D R!"

Your clever use of the above variables should have convinced your recalcitrant friend that, indeed, it was puppies that you had seen.

OK, enough with the examples, now lets get down to business. Let's call our potential contestants "Candidate A", "Candidate B", and "Candidate C" (not their real names!) OK, let's assume I like "A" a whole lot. Candidate "B", I could take or leave, and "C", eh, whatever. Well, what if the supporters of Candidate "C" tell me I'm a moron for supporting "A", and will only help "B" to get elected. Well, if I vote for "A", I'll get "B" who I could take or leave. So I better vote for "C", where I won't get "A", but at least I won't get "B", and the people who support "C" will stop calling me a moron, which after all is the most important thing. Instead, I'll get "C", eh, whatever, and not "A", who I wanted, and not "B", who I could take or leave.

But wait. The supporters of take or leave tell me that if I vote for eh, whatever, I'm a moron, because I'm actually guaranteeing the election of "Candidate XYY" from the other party, a raving loon who I violently loathe (actually, this pretty much encapsulates Candidates Q through Z from the other side, in case you haven't been paying attention). So if I vote for "B", I don't get "C", or "A", or even "B" maybe, but "XYY", and the "C" people all think I'm a moron, and we have another loon President. OK, this isn't helping at all.

Wait, let's try this. I should probably forget "Candidate A" right off the bat, because everyone knows "A" types are aggressive and pushy. And weren't the "C" Peoples the ones who brought down Classical Minoan civilization? That's no good. I guess we better vote for "B", because I read somewhere that all the "B"s are missing and it's somehow a problem. See! Applied math and logic solve another weighty dilemna!

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#### Comment Preferences

• ##### Tip Jar(5+ / 0-)

This is just stupid, I know, but I'm stupid too, so there.

Uh, yeah.

• ##### I voted FU(1+ / 0-)
Recommended by:
sunbro

because I have a head cold and all this ABCXYZ is just a ringing in my ears.  And that's what I feel like in the Michigan election today.

• ##### Morlock FU(0+ / 0-)

is by far the best choice.

just sayin'

;~)

• ##### YSDR ... CMPN(0+ / 0-)

forgot the last part to the tale.

• ##### Respect.(2+ / 0-)
Recommended by:
cwaltz, LaEscapee

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care, TCB

Oh (sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me)
A little respect (sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me)
Whoa, babe (just a little bit)
A little respect (just a little bit)
I get tired (just a little bit)
Keep on tryin' (just a little bit)
You're runnin' out of foolin' (just a little bit)
And I ain't lyin' (just a little bit)
(re, re, re, re) 'spect
When you come home (re, re, re ,re)
Or you might walk in (respect, just a little bit)
And find out I'm gone (just a little bit)
I got to have (just a little bit)
A little respect (just a little bit)

-4.75, -5.33 Cheney 10/05/04: "I have not suggested there is a connection between Iraq and 9/11."

• ##### I'd triple tip if I could(1+ / 0-)
Recommended by:
sunbro

One of the greatest songs EVER.

• ##### Bad Poll(0+ / 0-)

You forgot pi. Very sciency, pi.

"Sir, you are giving a reason for it; but that will not make it right." Samuel Johnson